Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Cire (44742)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Still texting her
Alexa
♀ New Member
Member # 40324
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so he went up north(we live in Michigan) to help his friend pack up the vacation home, boat, etc for the season. I actually believe him. He didn't even call or text to let me know he made it safe. I had to call him so I decided to check his/our cell phone account and he's been texting her. Why should I care if he made it up there safely? Am I that stupid? He kissed me before he left and says he loves me. I don't believe him. I don't believe anything he says any more. Don't know if I ever will. We went to one counseling session yesterday and the counselor said if he doesn't dump the OW then there's no point in us meeting with her. He says he will but I've been hearing that for weeks. I'm so confused because he continues to betray me. How long should I give him to leave her before I leave him?


Me: BS 45
Him: POS 51
D-day #1 Aug 5, 2013 (2 years) clueless the 1st yr, suspicious the 2nd
D-day #2 Aug 19, 2013 (there were many more)
D-day #3 10 years worth of A/ONS
Married 21 years (not sure if we'll make 22)
2 kids, 16 and 13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Michigan
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been where you are and the feelings are awful. You don't have to put up with this AT ALL... and it's really best that you don't.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 860 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in exactly this situation... giving him time, pleading with him in therapy to give her up. Eventually he did for a while. I had the worst year of my life then he left. Honestly, I believe that if I had kicked him out on the lawn on day 1 we'd be more likely to still be together now. And I'd have saved myself a serious depression, a nearly career-ending year of crying in the toilet... Everything in us cries out to protect them from themselves, save the family, be there faithfully waiting, but this is a monstrous thing he's doing to you. He doesn't belong in your life while he's doing it. Please save yourself.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 860 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
AppleBlossom
♀ Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so very sorry.

The question isn't how long you give him, but how long you are prepared to be lied to and betrayed. He should be prepared to end his relationship with her immediately if your marriage has any chance.

I hope you are able to come to a decision in a way that gives you peace.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, wouldn't it be interesting if he came back to the locks changed, his crap in trash bags on the porch...better yet in front of her house...all after his cell phone is cut off.

Basically, what is your line in the sand? He's not going to stop if he doesn't have some consequences. Is the A been outed? Has he had to deal with anything besides you being sad, angry, betrayed?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11134 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Alexa
♀ New Member
Member # 40324
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your comments. Here is where my confused head is.

I have given him an ultimatum to choose between me and OW. I am prepared to divorce him and I have told him to leave. He won't. I'm not sure why but he refuses. Maybe because leaving is harder than staying and he's lazy. In fact, I suggested and prefer that he leave until he decides what to do with his life. I will be prepared regardless his decision. If he decides not to decide, I will do it for him because he can't have us both. I'm getting my finances in order in preparation for a divorce if/when that day comes because I'm not sure I love him enough to stay anymore. We've had many problems for the last few years and I'm not sure if he's worth keeping. Some days he's very attentive and other days he's a real jerk. The sincerity of his actions are in question as well as his truthfulness which will always be questioned. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again and that alone will stress me and him out and create yet another relationship issue. I guess time will tell and he's on limited time. I just want this resolved so I can move on. I can't take the limbo state. Sometimes, I think I want to go out and have some fun and see what other men are like. I think I need to sow some oats regardless if we stay together or not. I also think I'm just as confused as he is. Has anyone else felt like this?


Me: BS 45
Him: POS 51
D-day #1 Aug 5, 2013 (2 years) clueless the 1st yr, suspicious the 2nd
D-day #2 Aug 19, 2013 (there were many more)
D-day #3 10 years worth of A/ONS
Married 21 years (not sure if we'll make 22)
2 kids, 16 and 13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Michigan
2long
♂ New Member
Member # 10570
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're going 2 make ultimatums, you need 2 follow through, or he'll know you don't mean them.

If you don't have kids, and you're young, why stay married 2 such a person? At the least, talk 2 a lawyer and get the ball rolling. If either of you are inclined 2 truly want 2 save the marriage, how the 2 of you respond 2 your filing could be very telling.

And it's a lot better than limbo, which isn't really an option at all.

Don't date until you're not married, ok?

-ol' 2long


Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2006 | From: So. Cal
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the suggestion of changing the locks. I wish I had done this when I discovered affair 5 months ago. It was followed by another 2 weeks of seeing the AP before he admitted to having an affair. The AP decided they should "take a break." WTF? By that time we were in counseling. The next month he did not see her but he texted with her (to what extent I don't know...he probably downplays this). Finally, the next month, he ended it and we changed to a better MC and it has slowly been getting better, especially with the addition of a CSAT in the mix of therapists (WH is SAWH).

I say pack him a bag, change the locks before his return from up north. Tell him he can get the rest of his stuff at a mutually convenient time (when the kids are not in the house). You will want to make sure he doesn't take anything other than his clothes and personal belongings.

Talk with a lawyer about your options. Whatever you do, don't leave the house yourself.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alexa,

How old are your children? If they have moved out already. Could you stay with one of them for a while? File for divorce. Tell him you have contacted a lawyer to see what you can do about the house.

If your kids still live there it could be harder, but contact the lawyer, see what rights you have. Definitely, 180 his ass. Don't let him kiss you good-bye or anything of the sort.

It could bring him out of this selfish roller coaster he has put the two of you on.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do not abandon the house. He could use this against you in a divorce.

The disrespect stops when you say it stops.

Hefty bag his crap and bring it over to the OW's house. Change the locks.

Shock and Awe will knock Mr. Alexa off the cake-eating fence.

Don't tell him you are doing this. Let the OW do that. Because you already know they are in communique.

Hell he might have texted her to join him up north...

Find your inner strength. Wipe the doormat sign off of your chest. Don't let your WH and the OW stomp your heart.

You can do this. Reach down deep and pull the smart and strong Alexa to the fore...She is in there waiting for you find her bitch boots!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By choosing to remain in contact with OW he has already communicated his decision to you.

You want to show him that you mean business?
File for divorce and request temporary orders that grant you exclusive use of the marital home. That way he HAS to leave.

He's cheating on you. He doesn't have the 'luxury' of ever acting like a jerk, IMO.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.