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User Topic: Was telling WS I loved him "mean"?
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The very last thing I ever said to WS on DDay#2 was that I loved him and couldn't picture loving someone more, that the he made me very happy over the years and that I would miss him every second we were apart. He started to sob and then we hung up Skype. I haven't heard from him since.

In IC yesterday we started talking about how I've been doing fairly well over the last couple of weeks. I had an incident at work and stood up for myself and it felt good to feel strong and in control-- it was nice to see that deep down I still have confidence in myself. I'm not crying as much, I'm eating, sleeping, etc. I think NC is 99% of the reason. It's given me space to focus on myself, as it's designed to do. For the first time this week I started to think I might actually make it out of this hell.

I've been firm in not wanting to know anything about my WS. No New Hurts is my mantra.

But in the next few months there are a few hurdles I have to face: two anniversaries (wedding and first date), my friend who works for WS is quitting and coming home (she hasn't been allowed to talk to me about WS while she's out there) and there is an annual conference coming up that he always attends. (I have to be there because I'll be giving papers and running a panel).

I told IC that I'm terrified that NC will be broken either because of these milestones or just because WS decides to touch base. I fear that if he does I'll find it traumatizing. I fear that with those last words to him, I left the door open on some level. IC says that if WS calls and I hear his voice, I should just slam down the phone. I told him I could never be that "mean." I would have to say something to him about how I can't deal with speaking to him yet (or maybe ever) and to please stick to email as we agreed... then I would hang up.

Then we began to discuss those last words to him. Reflecting on how I felt in that moment, I told IC that what I said was true of our past together, but I also knew on some level that I was saying something to WS that would upset him. I wanted to drill into his head that he was throwing away someone who genuinely loved him and this whole breakup was a waste. Frankly, if that moment was the last time we ever spoke to each other, I wanted to leave him with the potential for as much regret as possible. I wanted him to know he was WRONG about everything (the A, that I would ever leave him, that not R was the right choice).

IC told me that what I said to him wasn't actually loving and nice. It was mean, bordering on aggressive. I was trying to wound him as deeply and as permanently as possible with those words.

Our session was already over, so we had to leave it there.

Do you guys have any thoughts on this? Again, I still feel that all of the things I said are true. But, yeah, I'll admit it. When I said it, it was a little strategic. I want him to be 70 years old, looking back on his life, realizing that he really screwed up. During the DDays he kept saying things about how he always knew *I* would leave him someday... It was pretty clear that he was making his fear of abandonment a reality-- so I wanted to leave him with the knowledge that he was forcing me to NC him against my will.

But I'm wrestling with the idea that maybe sometimes my "nice" isn't nice. Maybe in that moment my nice was a little bit evil?

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 11:07 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what!

Did you feel better? Yes! Why? Because you weren't letting yourself be a vicitm anymore!
Was it passive aggressive? Possibly, but was it all true? Definitely.

You were hurting and you were dealt a shitty hand.

Would you do it again? Hopefully not. Hopefully you have had more healing.
Hopefully you are also learning where your mistakes were and fixing you!
And to clarify...I'll use me as an example.
Everybody is saying it takes two for a relationship to go sour. I used to take it as I did bad things too.
Actually, my faults were I enabled. I was too nice, too easy to make excuses for him, and too afraid to stand up for myself. I should have been firm in transgressions and acts of selfishness before the A ever started.
Maybe it could have been partly mean, sounds like it, but on a different level you were finally starting to fight back and recover your sense of self worth with those words.
Hopefully, now, you know your self worth and wouldn't even bother wasting your breath.

Forgive yourself on that small level that was passive agressive. Learn from it.

You were the victim, you were the one traumatized. Hmmm, sounds like you are a very nice person. But nice doesn't have to mean weak, or victim material any longer!

Hugs! Keep moving forward!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2325 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it was mean. You said what you wanted to say, even if it was to hurt him a little bit. Would it have been better to call him a lying, cheating, bastard?? Who knows?? My XWH#1 still tells me he loves me at the end of every phone call (which is not very often anymore). I don't think he means to hurt me, he says what he feels and wants me to know. I know he regrets what he did. I know he wants me to say it back but I never return the love because I don't feel it. I do pity him, but I no longer love him. I don't wish bad things on him anymore and really wished he could find someone else to love and I would wish him the best if he did. I even let WH#2 know he says it, and a little of that is to let WH#2 know that I do have options besides him. Not that I would ever want XWH#1 back. Is that mean?? I guess it is in a way, but it is how I feel and I have a tendency to say what I want to say.

Don't let your IC put you on a guilt trip for what you said. Even if you said it to be mean, then it's OK. He betrayed you and then abondoned you, so anything you say now you have every right to say as far as I am concerned. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
pregnantandsad
♀ Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it was mean. The last thing I have said to WH since I started NC (other than emails about kids and finances) was similar. I wrote him a letter and basically summed up how I have always felt about him, that I love him and I think us divorcing is the wrong decision. I agree with what you said, partly I want him to always look back on that and see what a mistake he made if he chooses to continue on this path. But I didn't write it for that reason. I wrote it for me, to be able to voice exactly how I am feeling. I also want to be able to said I tried and did everything I could to try and save this relationship. I don't think it was mean at all, we did/said what we had to do for our own sanity and peace of mind.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I don't guess it bothered him enough to write you a long letter. It probably upset him, for about 4 minutes.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 11:36 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was your closure.

I don't see it as mean, yes it caused him pain but it should have, I am sure it caused you pain also. What else were you supposed to say? You wanted your last words to be good, to show that what you had may have broken, but that it had value to it. That what is being lost was worth something.

I see it as your trying to sum up everything you felt to know that you had communicated to him the end result of your relationship.
Maybe I am wrong but it seems to be your gathering together all the scattered moments of you life and succintly stating what you felt at the end of the journey. That despite all the end result is still this feeling of love for him. BS are dense and sometimes need to be forced to recognize the whole picture as they live in the moment. Hugs to you.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But in the next few months there are a few hurdles I have to face: two anniversaries (wedding and first date),

The sooner you find your way out of the ambivalence of limbo, the better you will feel. Cause I'm pretty sure Hallmark doesn't sell "Happy 11th anniversary dude whom I haven't spoken to in 5 months and broke up our marriage over Skype" cards.

Has Divorce been filed?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC told me that what I said to him wasn't actually loving and nice. It was mean, bordering on aggressive. I was trying to wound him as deeply and as permanently as possible with those words.

....and his point would be...?


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1804 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want him to be 70 years old, looking back on his life, realizing that he really screwed up.

You can't control his future. You cannot control his memories of past events.

You can only control yourself, and enjoy living in the moment!

[This message edited by ladies_first at 12:42 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it was mean either. I told my husband things like that. It was how I felt and it was my way of saying "I love you enough to let you go".

My H told me on the phone about a month after he moved out that he was in love with #4. The next day he came to see the boys. I took him to the bedroom, told him that if we were going to end, we would end the way we started 20 yrs prior - with a kiss. We kissed for a few minutes and when I pulled away, I whispered in his ear that I would always love him and would treasure the memories of the time we had together. He squeezed me tight and then walked away. It was our closer. We were both crying a bit.

"MEAN" was me telling him a month later - after they finally consumated their EA long distance lurve - that he wasn't worth the paper I wipe my ass with!

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 12:43 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 10

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