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User Topic: Did I over-react?
BrowneyesTurnBlu
♀ Member
Member # 25218
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is also on SI. He is new to it (actually he was on it years ago but couldn't remember his login so created a new profile). I am fine with him being on here. I told him that I will not read anything he posts unless he wants or asks me to and I expect the same from him.
This morning he was typing on here and then he turned to me and said "Can I reply to this girl?" I asked if he meant in a "private message" and he said "yes". I was so upset. I asked him why it had to be a PM and he said he doesn't really know how these forums work. I told him that he could just "reply" to her without it being private. I was so upset that he even thought about PMing someone especially since this last affair was a "sexting" affair for the most part. I do realize that he stopped himself and asked me how I would feel about it and for that I am grateful. We got into a disagreement about it with him saying that I should look at the positive and the fact that he stopped and asked me. I feel he should look at it as how fast he thought about PMing a girl (wayward...BTW). I told him that it could be a very slippery slope.
So do you think I was over-reacting?


Me (BW) 42
Him (WH)46
DDay #1 - 9/9/06 - internet and met 4 times - no sex but kissing and touching
DDay #2 - 7/24/09 - chatted online with a couple of girls for about 1-2 weeks
DDay #3 - 7/26/13 - found out he was sexting and met up with someone

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2009
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The short answer is yes and no.

For some people PMing is just better for them. They may not want to have their responses picked over by everyone, and so they quietly answer in a PM.

However, your WH's MO is private messages and therefore, i believe that these should be off the table. If he wants to reply to anything, it needs to be in an open forum format, nothing hidden.

Also, I agree that his "at least I told you" is a step in the right direction, it would be like rewarding someone for putting the dishes in the sink when they are done. That's what you are SUPPOSED to do in the first place, being rewarded for it is a little much.

Just let him know that PMing is not comfortable to you and that you would like all his answers to be in public forum from now on.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1684 | Registered: Sep 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Depends on why he was PMing her. I know there are times when I PM someone because I don't want to ask a question in the forums. It could have been he wanted to discuss a topic that may have triggered you if you came across it. So in that case PMing someone with a question or response would be reasonable to me. if I am reading this wrong let me know but your post reads as if someone PM'd him and he told you about it and asked you if you were okay with responding.

At the end of the day you can discuss it and decide how you want to interact or not interact with each other on the site. You are both here for support so figure out together how you want to interact with each other on the site if at all. I never could get my STBXW to join the site so IMHO, the fact that he is here is a good thing.

Just my 2 cents...

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:12 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1824 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7.... Great answer!

I am also of the mind that open and honest communication about something is now the only way to make sure everything is understood.

I never now bring up a bad point unless I

1) let him know how his action, or non action has hurt me or made me feel

2) acknowledge in some way his point of view on the issue

3) explain how he could have reacted in a different way and how the different way would have made me feel better.

You have to voice how his action of PMing makes you feel uncomfortable and triggers your distrust because of what he did. On the same hand agreeing with him that, yes in deed he did stop and ask you was a step in the right direction will diffuse his feelings of " hey, I am trying to change". You could follow up by telling how his PMing makes you feel and then open up the discussion and say...." How can we both feel safe on this site, understand each others goals, and get the support we both need without feeling hurt or worried?

You both need to say everything you feel on each side of this situation BUT, then you need to find a way to work together. That's what was missing before. You had these same conversations in your head but but what needs to happen now is you have to verbalized all of the "in your head" conversations out loud and in a productive manner.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
BrowneyesTurnBlu
♀ Member
Member # 25218
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for replying.
No, no one PM'd him, she just posted a regular topic. He said that he thought most people PM'd to reply to topics. I told him that if he wants to reply to someone, just hit the reply button not the PM button.
I know that we have to discuss what we both want from this site and the marriage and set boundaries. I know that the boundaries we set right now might change down the road and we will have to discuss that. At this point because his last affair started as texting innocently but quickly led to more, I feel that he needs to NOT be PM, texting, etc some girl (especially someone that is in the same type of position as him...needing validation or attention).


Me (BW) 42
Him (WH)46
DDay #1 - 9/9/06 - internet and met 4 times - no sex but kissing and touching
DDay #2 - 7/24/09 - chatted online with a couple of girls for about 1-2 weeks
DDay #3 - 7/26/13 - found out he was sexting and met up with someone

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2009
carnelian
♀ Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have reacted the same way. Knowing how WH's mind works and what he's actually done in the past, he would have used my 'permission' for two things. 1, so he could try to start something with the woman, then turn it against me when he got found out. "You said I could talk to her!" And/or 2, as some bizarre-o twisted example of how I'm so controlling that he needs to ask permission just to even talk to people.

You know how your WH works. Could be innocent.


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 564 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him you are not comfortable with him PMing any female members. He has shown he has poor boundaries,and while he may be working on them,this makes you uncomfortable,and you would rather he not PM any women.

I know there are other SI couples who have the same rule..no PMing members of the opposite sex.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7139 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, no one PM'd him, she just posted a regular topic.
thanks for the clarification. I was indeed reading your post wrong. in that case, I echo what confused615 said. If it's a boundary for you then it's a boundary.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1824 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
BrowneyesTurnBlu
♀ Member
Member # 25218
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just called me and to let me know that someone PMd his post. He has agreed not to PM this person back. He is unclear if it is male or female. The person asked him a question. He said he will just reply in the regular forum instead of PMing them. He has agreed to let me see the PM.
I see that he is trying but he says that it is hard to learn the right things to do. We are going to have a very serious conversation tonight about boundaries. I want to learn to trust him again. I do not want to live the rest of my life checking his phone and computer. I just know that right now it is hard, as I am sure many of you (both BS and WS) know.


Me (BW) 42
Him (WH)46
DDay #1 - 9/9/06 - internet and met 4 times - no sex but kissing and touching
DDay #2 - 7/24/09 - chatted online with a couple of girls for about 1-2 weeks
DDay #3 - 7/26/13 - found out he was sexting and met up with someone

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2009
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ewww. Ok, I have PMd a personal thank you to two responses for insighte they have provided when I first joined.
I never looked to see if it was a WS or a BS.
I'm not PMing anybody anymore.
Browneyes, thank you for bringing this point up to me.
I do NOT think you over reacted. I do not know who your WS, and if I've ever said a polite "thank you", please do erase it.
No worries for any BSs on here, now that I see this side of it, no more PMing.
Thank you.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 12:23 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you can disable the Pm feature here on SI,so he can't receive PM's at all.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7139 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, I wouldn't say you overreacted. Feelings are feelings, and considering the nature of his affair, I can understand why you would not want him PMing a female.

I would demand that he be transparent on here, as well as any other websites. The fact that he asked you is a very good thing.

If PM is out of your boundaries, say so, and hopefully it is not a question that needs to be asked in the future.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 12

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