For some people PMing is just better for them. They may not want to have their responses picked over by everyone, and so they quietly answer in a PM.
However, your WH's MO is private messages and therefore, i believe that these should be off the table. If he wants to reply to anything, it needs to be in an open forum format, nothing hidden.
Also, I agree that his "at least I told you" is a step in the right direction, it would be like rewarding someone for putting the dishes in the sink when they are done. That's what you are SUPPOSED to do in the first place, being rewarded for it is a little much.
Just let him know that PMing is not comfortable to you and that you would like all his answers to be in public forum from now on.
At the end of the day you can discuss it and decide how you want to interact or not interact with each other on the site. You are both here for support so figure out together how you want to interact with each other on the site if at all. I never could get my STBXW to join the site so IMHO, the fact that he is here is a good thing.
Just my 2 cents...
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:12 AM, August 16th (Friday)]
I am also of the mind that open and honest communication about something is now the only way to make sure everything is understood.
I never now bring up a bad point unless I
1) let him know how his action, or non action has hurt me or made me feel
2) acknowledge in some way his point of view on the issue
3) explain how he could have reacted in a different way and how the different way would have made me feel better.
You have to voice how his action of PMing makes you feel uncomfortable and triggers your distrust because of what he did. On the same hand agreeing with him that, yes in deed he did stop and ask you was a step in the right direction will diffuse his feelings of " hey, I am trying to change". You could follow up by telling how his PMing makes you feel and then open up the discussion and say...." How can we both feel safe on this site, understand each others goals, and get the support we both need without feeling hurt or worried?
You both need to say everything you feel on each side of this situation BUT, then you need to find a way to work together. That's what was missing before. You had these same conversations in your head but but what needs to happen now is you have to verbalized all of the "in your head" conversations out loud and in a productive manner.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
You know how your WH works. Could be innocent.
I know there are other SI couples who have the same rule..no PMing members of the opposite sex.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
No, no one PM'd him, she just posted a regular topic.
[This message edited by StillLivin at 12:23 PM, August 16th (Friday)]
I would demand that he be transparent on here, as well as any other websites. The fact that he asked you is a very good thing.
If PM is out of your boundaries, say so, and hopefully it is not a question that needs to be asked in the future.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."