I just wanted to let ccw82 know that she's not alone.
In reality, it doesn't really matter what type of A or who the A is with....betrayal of a partner hurts and is devastating. It is easy to rationalize how one is not as painful as another, but I think ultimately, they are all incredibly painful.
Have you and your husband trying to reconcile? Are you going to individual counseling (IC) or marital counseling (MC)? I found IC was very helpful for both of us to move past certain phases. Is your husband remorseful or regretful? That also makes a difference in your reaction and healing.
I am almost at the 4 year mark and it is still hard. The pain gets worse before it gets better. It is normal just painful.
Do you have a support system?
Post here frequently, and I think you will find great support. Hugs to you.
**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson
Thanks for the words of support. My husband and I are in MC and have been actively working towards healing. And you are absolutely correct, it doesn't matter how the betrayal happens, the hurt is devastating, the feelings of pain seem overwhelming and the damage to my self esteem has been, well, immeasurable.
I've avoided forums up until now because everytime I would start reading, I would break down and cry for what seems like hours. I don't have time to cry - we have 2.5 year old twins and they need me to keep my s**t together. But I'm feeling like I need to find some support, besides the wonderful support I have from my family and my friends (although has anyone noticed that after a while, friends start to get tired of hearing about it?)
Anyways, thanks again for replying and letting me know I'm not alone. I feel like since I found out, half my friends have admitted that their spouse has cheated too. WTF? Doesn't anyone believe in integrity anymore?
By the way, I'm a little computer illiterate. How do you get the part on the post that says age, BS age, children etc? I can't find it in my profile.
How do you get the part on the post that says age, BS age, children etc? I can't find it in my profile.
The "My Story" box will show up when people click on your profile.
Welcome to SI.
There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox
I don't have time to cry - we have 2.5 year old twins and they need me to keep my s**t together. But I'm feeling like I need to find some support, besides the wonderful support I have from my family and my friends (although has anyone noticed that after a while, friends start to get tired of hearing about it?)
I am sorry you are going through this, and with the blessing of 2 year old twins.
I am amazed by the strength you have, and your self knowledge that you need support.
It is wonderful that you found us. There is so much wisdom here to help you not rug sweep the betrayal you suffered. welcome
[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:15 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]
NotsosunnyG - I'd like to say that I remember what it was like in the first two weeks but I honestly can't. I don't really remember much of the first month after DDay (January 4, 5:23 pm - I could get it down to the second probably if I tried). It's been 7 months and I still cry every day. I hope you and your WH are going to MC. It's the only thing that got me through. I can't say that you will be in for an easy ride. Just don't do what I did - be obsessed with the hooker's (let's just call them what they are, shall we?) website and reviews - my WH used expensive ones so I could find out A LOT. It's like emotional cutting to read about their "talents" and compare yourself to them. I will never be a sex kitten like they are. I will never look like them (seriously, some of these women are extraordinarily beautiful). And looking into this all the time, which I did for the first 4 months, only rips you apart more. Please don't do this like I did (ok, I still do).
I know people say "isn't that better than him having an emotional attachment to someone?"
The pain of having a partner risk everything---including his and his spouse's physical health---for sex with a stranger who meant NOTHING more than a financial transaction to attain orgasm is an EXQUISITE pain that is unparalleled.
No one who has not experienced it will ever understand. Not even those who have experienced infidelity in their relationships.
(And really, those who haven't experienced it say the stupidest things sometimes. They may be trying to help, but it's kind of like telling the mother of a child who's just died, "At least she's in a better place now. Everything happens for a reason." Um, no. The BETTER PLACE is here in my arms, and there is NO reason for this sort of pain!)
Please try not to let others' reactions color your perceptions or guide the way you feel.
Feel YOUR feelings. They are authentic, and they relate DIRECTLY to the pain inflicted.
You are the ONLY person qualified to assess it.
(And yes, sex with prostitutes is a kind of affair. It's one that lacks emotional intimacy---but that in and of itself raises a million questions and points to potentially very serious problems with intimacy.)
Your husband's remorse is a great start. What is he doing to get to his whys? Has he been evaluated by a psychiatrist? Is in in IC---with the appropriate type of counselor? Is he being transparent? What is he doing to help you feel safe?
This is an arduous process. I wish I'd known what my husband should have been doing to become safer and healthier early on--it would have spared me another two decades of ....well, lack of emotional intimacy and continued infidelity.
Dig deep now. It hurts, but it is the best hope for a happy future.