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Newest Member: TryingToReform (45458)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I too am broken
lhhell
♀ Member
Member # 40332
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read ccw82's post about feeling more broken every day. I can't even tell you how much I can relate. In fact, I would never have thought to post on a site like this until I read her post.
My husband also cheated with a prostitute - not once but three times. I know people say "isn't that better than him having an emotional attachment to someone?" Maybe, but I think maybe it's just a different kind of hurt. Not more, not less, just different. I think I could understand an affair (I can't even call what he did an affair), even though I wouldn't be able to condone it, but I can't wrap my brain around hiring a hooker. To me, that is actively seeking out an affair. It hurts. It's been 7 months since I found out and I still cry every day. We are trying to work it out. He seems remorseful. But it doesn't stop the hurt and I feel broken.

I just wanted to let ccw82 know that she's not alone.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Dday: Jan 4, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1hhell
First, welcome to SI. There is a lot of support and wisdom here. There are many that are going through many different situations, that there is help with just about every situation.

In reality, it doesn't really matter what type of A or who the A is with....betrayal of a partner hurts and is devastating. It is easy to rationalize how one is not as painful as another, but I think ultimately, they are all incredibly painful.

Have you and your husband trying to reconcile? Are you going to individual counseling (IC) or marital counseling (MC)? I found IC was very helpful for both of us to move past certain phases. Is your husband remorseful or regretful? That also makes a difference in your reaction and healing.

I am almost at the 4 year mark and it is still hard. The pain gets worse before it gets better. It is normal just painful.

Do you have a support system?

Post here frequently, and I think you will find great support. Hugs to you.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1668 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
AStar
♀ Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1hhell.
Sorry for your pain. It doesn't matter what people say: you are the one experiencing the pain, you are the one experiencing the betrayal. And it hurts!!
An affair, cheat, betrayal of any kind is devastating. It is impossible to compare one type to the other as we all have different tolerances and experiences... However we all hurt.
Are you in IC or MC? Your H will need this too.
Please see the Healing Library for some advice and support. And yes, 1hhell you will get through the pain.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
lhhell
♀ Member
Member # 40332
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Thanks for the words of support. My husband and I are in MC and have been actively working towards healing. And you are absolutely correct, it doesn't matter how the betrayal happens, the hurt is devastating, the feelings of pain seem overwhelming and the damage to my self esteem has been, well, immeasurable.

I've avoided forums up until now because everytime I would start reading, I would break down and cry for what seems like hours. I don't have time to cry - we have 2.5 year old twins and they need me to keep my s**t together. But I'm feeling like I need to find some support, besides the wonderful support I have from my family and my friends (although has anyone noticed that after a while, friends start to get tired of hearing about it?)

Anyways, thanks again for replying and letting me know I'm not alone. I feel like since I found out, half my friends have admitted that their spouse has cheated too. WTF? Doesn't anyone believe in integrity anymore?

By the way, I'm a little computer illiterate. How do you get the part on the post that says age, BS age, children etc? I can't find it in my profile.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Dday: Jan 4, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
NotsosunnyG
♀ New Member
Member # 40197
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I kept looking for support and advice for WHs that slept with escorts/hookers and I had to definitely search quite a bit. Dday was two weeks ago for me, and I found out he slept with escorts four times (same one for three of those times) in about a month's time (that's the ones I know about). I am feeling much the same way as you :(

Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you get the part on the post that says age, BS age, children etc? I can't find it in my profile.
Whatever you put in the "Signature" box will appear in your tagline.

The "My Story" box will show up when people click on your profile.

Welcome to SI.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25850 | Registered: Aug 2011
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have time to cry - we have 2.5 year old twins and they need me to keep my s**t together. But I'm feeling like I need to find some support, besides the wonderful support I have from my family and my friends (although has anyone noticed that after a while, friends start to get tired of hearing about it?)

I am sorry you are going through this, and with the blessing of 2 year old twins.

I am amazed by the strength you have, and your self knowledge that you need support.

It is wonderful that you found us. There is so much wisdom here to help you not rug sweep the betrayal you suffered. welcome

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:15 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2727 | Registered: Jan 2010
lhhell
♀ Member
Member # 40332
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh you guys. Thanks again for the kind words.

NotsosunnyG - I'd like to say that I remember what it was like in the first two weeks but I honestly can't. I don't really remember much of the first month after DDay (January 4, 5:23 pm - I could get it down to the second probably if I tried). It's been 7 months and I still cry every day. I hope you and your WH are going to MC. It's the only thing that got me through. I can't say that you will be in for an easy ride. Just don't do what I did - be obsessed with the hooker's (let's just call them what they are, shall we?) website and reviews - my WH used expensive ones so I could find out A LOT. It's like emotional cutting to read about their "talents" and compare yourself to them. I will never be a sex kitten like they are. I will never look like them (seriously, some of these women are extraordinarily beautiful). And looking into this all the time, which I did for the first 4 months, only rips you apart more. Please don't do this like I did (ok, I still do).


Me: BS
Him: WH
Dday: Jan 4, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know people say "isn't that better than him having an emotional attachment to someone?"
As a woman whose husband did both, I can assure you that comparisons are fruitless.

The pain of having a partner risk everything---including his and his spouse's physical health---for sex with a stranger who meant NOTHING more than a financial transaction to attain orgasm is an EXQUISITE pain that is unparalleled.

No one who has not experienced it will ever understand. Not even those who have experienced infidelity in their relationships.

(And really, those who haven't experienced it say the stupidest things sometimes. They may be trying to help, but it's kind of like telling the mother of a child who's just died, "At least she's in a better place now. Everything happens for a reason." Um, no. The BETTER PLACE is here in my arms, and there is NO reason for this sort of pain!)

Please try not to let others' reactions color your perceptions or guide the way you feel.

Feel YOUR feelings. They are authentic, and they relate DIRECTLY to the pain inflicted.

You are the ONLY person qualified to assess it.

(And yes, sex with prostitutes is a kind of affair. It's one that lacks emotional intimacy---but that in and of itself raises a million questions and points to potentially very serious problems with intimacy.)

Your husband's remorse is a great start. What is he doing to get to his whys? Has he been evaluated by a psychiatrist? Is in in IC---with the appropriate type of counselor? Is he being transparent? What is he doing to help you feel safe?

This is an arduous process. I wish I'd known what my husband should have been doing to become safer and healthier early on--it would have spared me another two decades of ....well, lack of emotional intimacy and continued infidelity.

Dig deep now. It hurts, but it is the best hope for a happy future.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8889 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 9

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