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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When sorry just isn't enough.
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Question  Posted: 5:57 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been struggling with something. Most posts on here seem to be about 'how to get your WS to feel remorse.' Well my WH seems very remorseful, but I just can't imagine ever trusting him again. I'm not sure I even want to try.

Our story in a nutshell: WH got picked up by cops on his way to meet a 15 yo he met through Craig's List, and had been sexting with (no pictures). Turns out, this was his 6th ad on CL looking for sex, and he has met at least one OW for a PA through CL. Also, he had a PA with my best friend of 30+ year around the same time. I would have known none of this if not for the police incident.

He says he loves me and is very sorry. He's starting IC and going to SA meetings. I'm sure he would give me all his account numbers and passwords if it would mean letting him come back home. But what's the point? He could just make more?

I feel like he ripped my heart out and stomped on it a few times. I don't trust him. I don't even really know him anymore. Do I have to give him another chance? I'm feeling very confused.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 5:58 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

I am actually split from my WNPDEX, and this is something that I have been thinking about lately, whether I would stay or go if I were in this situation again.

The remorse he is showing is a positive sign, but is it because he is remorseful about the damage he has caused, or the fact that he got caught? You should have a better idea of that than me.

I see your DDays are very recent, so rather than make any decisions right now, you can opt to take some time for yourself to work out what YOU want.

It was a lot to find out about in one go. Did he know that the girl he was going to meet was just 15 years old? If so, then this would bother me the most and I'm not sure it is something I could get over but that is just me.

You don't 'have' to give him another chance at all. You have to do what is right for you, if that means leaving him, then so be it. But first take some time to really work out what you want. I would also request a period of NC with him for a little while to give you some breathing space which should help you to see things more clearly.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gemini71,
First, you do not have to do anything. The decision to attempt to reconcile is yours...it is a gift you can chose to give or not. Sometimes things are a dealbreaker and that is ok.

You joined not long ago, I would tend to guess dday was pretty recent. If that is the case, I think it would be early to see true remorse yet, regret yes, but to me remorse is much longer term.

Building trust can be next to impossible once broken down. But it is possible, I would guess one of the most difficult things to do. It takes a long time and is not a quick fix.

Take care of yourself. Remember to make decisions in your own time. What ever you decide is the right thing to do for you.



Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
AStar
♀ Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gemini71 it hard to know what is up or down so early on out.
It's even harder to want to build trust nevermind build trust with someone who betrayed you.
Take your time and think things through: only you know what you are feeling, what you want and what you can do.
R is a gift you can choose to give if you want. If you don't want to its your choice.
You can't make someone feel remorse or get them to feel it.
I can relate to some if what you say in that less than one month out, my H is remorseful, doing all the right things, but its not enough. His EA is a deal breaker that I can't fix and I don't want to- not even his tears and begging seem to change my heart.
If you are confused, wait to get some clarity. Dont do anything unless you are sure.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
AStar
♀ Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*double post - sorry.

[This message edited by AStar at 1:58 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this stage it's hard to imagine a lot of things. It's new, it's raw and you are on a roller coaster of emotions. If you go back you will see that from day to day, depending on what TT you got or what you discovered, you want to R, then you want a LS, then a D.

Give it time. It's impossible to know how you will feel down the road. If you know you are going to be going through these wild swings, and can accept them as part of the process, it will be a little easier to live through them.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8099 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
blindsided03
♀ Member
Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UGH i totally know how you're feeling. my ex-assh*le H did the CL thing, too. He made me get a tattooed wedding ring with his name only for him to cover his up when I was out of town. He hid all of my things; he tried to say he cleaned, but he didn't bother sweeping the floor. He just put my stuff in closets so he could have some fling with a prostitute online. I hate that guy. I wish he'd "Get it." Like yours, he feels badly. He's in counseling. He's borderline PD. WTF EVER. I get that he feels bad, but where was he for the past 7m when I was feeling bad? I hate this guy. I hate him. When he touches me, my skin crawls. When he cries and pleads and lies, I laugh inside. I know that he's just putting on some stupid act. If I were to take him back, it would only be a matter of time before things got back to this point. Some people never change. BPDs are some of them. I took months of abuse at his hands, mostly mental and emotional, but there were times he got physical with my things and did a lot of destruction. He is truly a psycho and truly doesn't see why looking for CL hookers is wrong. He thinks it isn't cheating. I think he's delusional and using his disease as a crutch so he doesn't have to take full responsibility for his actions. Our spouses hate themselves and tried to fill that void with women. Mine wishes he'd thought about the fact that he didn't like being without me for a weekend, so he wouldn't like being without me for the rest of his life. He's still a stupid dumbass and I'm enjoying his pain...not because I'm a sadist, but because it's nice to see him show some emotion that isn't anger for once in his life. Even though he'll never listen to me and I'll never have the guy I thought he was, I'm glad he'll be better on his own. I'm just glad I have my own life going on and I'm not going to give anymore of my best years to this loser. We can both do better than guys who seek validation from prostitutes....I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT: these guys think so lowly of themselves that they think HOOKERS, society's bottom of the barrel trash, have what it takes to validate their feelings of self-worth. I don't know about you, but I dont give an F what hookers think about me....and I DAMN sure won't be seeking reassurance from people who are OBV beneath me. In the minds of these broken men, they're lower than hookers...they are never going to not need ANY kind of validation. Better we both get out and only hurt this one last time instead of for a lifetime. We both dodged huge bullets--there's no fixing pathetic.

[This message edited by blindsided03 at 5:46 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


BW
M6m
Dday(2)8/13
D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did he know she was 15??


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
thecosmogirl
♀ Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The age thing freaks me out. But did he know how old she was? I would find that out first.

On your trusting him again, you have to look deep inside yourself.
I am having to do that myself as my WH is being the very best a WH can be.....but he was also the very best husband before DDAY so..?...
I have found reading the book "I love you but I don't trust you" is helping me a whole lot.
The one thing it talks about is when they are (or seem) to be very remorseful, is it enough? It quotes one woman who said for her it was like dropping an M&M on the floor...you pick it up quick and pop it in your mouth, the old 5 second rule and all. But, if you dropped a piece of fish, you would not dare eat it no matter how fast you picked it up.
So, is he an M&M or a fish?

I would think about this and don't make rash decisions right now or try not to...easier said than done, I know.
Mine still morphs from M&M to fish, sometimes several times a day, in my mind.

((((Hugs))))


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 165 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the helpful replies.

OW did say in an email that she was 15. He says he didn't believe her, thought she was roleplaying. When I asked why he still kept communicating he said "She sounded like she needed a friend." Of course, I only have his version of events, and they keep changing. I have not seen any of the emails or the CL ad. His lawyer recommended against it.

Given that our DD is 16, I feel that I just can't take the chance. My IC advised that if I let him back in the house while aware of pedo tendencies, I could be liable if anything happens (never mind that I'd have to kill the POS), and my IC would be obligated to report a minor in danger.

It's so much more than his two admitted affairs and seeking a third. Some things 'sorry' just can't fix.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not take him back, nor let him anywhere near my daughter, if I were you. He was heading for sex with a 15 year old. I would see a lawyer immediately to ensure that he cannot come to the house, cannot go anywhere near your children, and to give you full custody (emergency custody? Don't know what it's called, but check with a lawyer).

You might even call child protective services. To be sure that he has not already been abusing your daughter, or grooming her for abuse. Ask a lawyer about that. I myself would do it, to protect my daughter.

I'm so very sorry that you have to be here,


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 866 | Registered: Sep 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW did say in an email that she was 15.

Guilty.
He's also lying about his motivations to see her.

Now what?
This is serious as hell, you really need to know that & take steps to protect.

O man, I'm sooo sorry.
Just dam.


Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not take him back, nor let him anywhere near my daughter, if I were you. He was heading for sex with a 15 year old. I would see a lawyer immediately to ensure that he cannot come to the house, cannot go anywhere near your children, and to give you full custody (emergency custody? Don't know what it's called, but check with a lawyer).

You might even call child protective services. To be sure that he has not already been abusing your daughter, or grooming her for abuse. Ask a lawyer about that. I myself would do it, to protect my daughter.

This^^^^. First and foremost, you have to protect your daughter. All the rest can be figured out as you learn more and have a minute to breathe and make some decisions.

Sometimes this shit is a dealbreaker and that is absolutely okay. I'm so sorry you're here and that your situation is about as ugly as it could get. Keep reading and posting, it really helps. ((Gemini))


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5191 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, but I think divorce would be the safest option for you.

I am so sorry.

((((Gemini))))


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7057 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Topic Posts: 14

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