My worst fear ever since d-day was that this wasn't over. That it would never be over. That with each discovery/ accusation, my WH and his OW would just take the A deeper underground and that the only reason there would stop being d-days is because I simply gave up trying to find out.
Another big fear is that this is, in fact, all over, but my distrust of him won't allow it to be.
Everything in my life is so conflicting and confusing right now. I have a hard time sorting it out by myself, so I post on here a lot, trying to get others' perspectives.
The problem is, I have enough paranoia for the world right now. Add on the insistance by others that my H's behavior continues to be full of "red flags", and I'm going bat-shit crazy over here!
I am in no way trying to defend him, and I can assure you that I don't trust him. Do I wonder still? Sure - but I've seen an improvement in him that I never thought would happen. He's cut way down on his game time, bathroom breaks are shorter (and he takes a book to the potty instead of his phone), he understands why I am tracking his every move, and insists it no longer bothers him. The biggest improvement is in his attitude when I ask questions - he no longers gets angry or hostile. He's accepted this as part of my healing process.
Now, I have read plenty of stories of false R (in fact, I'm not even considering us in R just yet). WS's doing all the right things, and all the while still carrying on the A. I get it. I'm not being naive here.... but is it OK not to buy into everyone else's paranoia? I mean, I've got plenty to cover this! Of course if I'm wondering about something I will probably still come here for advice/ suggestions. And I'm still going to keep tabs on WH - I now have access to his phone, e-mail, and FB, and he doesn't seem to (as he thought he would) hate me for invading his privacy.
Am I being foolish to even think about ignoring the comments of the seasoned veterans here on SI??me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."