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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't even know what to title this
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

redacted

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 9:58 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"This is why I didn't tell you how I was feeling earlier; you never support me; it's always all about you!"

So, he knows you saw this post a while ago and thought he was successful at getting you to bury it, but because you aren't willing to bury it indefinitely then he manipulates you and tells you that you don't support HIM and that you need to drop it because it's been a while. He's clearly letting you know that he's into the "rugsweeping" version of getting "over" infidelity, and you are being submissive when he does that by running to him and reassuring him that you love him and support him and look at all these other times you've supported him and pleading your case about being a good partner to him. Why are you doing that? Why are you trying to win him? Why aren't you standing up for yourself and for YOUR needs?


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think dogs are pretty good judges of character...keep the dog.

Um..so the day you read the 8 pages of comments about his stripper fuckfest, he chooses that day to tell you he's been oh-so-depressed. He manipulated you..and it worked.

What is this man giving you? You don't have sex with him..you say you will be with him as long as he loves you.

This isn't love.

Keep the dog.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:52 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7147 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I would be thinking manipulation except I know he was discussing his mental health issue with a friend a few days ago. He was asking for my input as he tried to diagnose himself.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 9:59 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you getting out of this relationship,MP?

Is he really giving you anything?

((((((((MP)))))))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7147 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You just can't let it die, can you?" and "I know you saw that post a while ago, I don't know what you're trying to do by bringing it up now," etc.

This is not true remorse and I am willing to bet that he has not little to nothing to show remorse.

And if it was true full disclosure, then why were the details in that post a suprise to you?

I came over to him on the couch and put my feelings aside and comforted and supported him.

He has quite clearly learned how to get you to relinquish your power in this relationship. Everytime you start getting your back bone, he starts to get emotional so that you back off.

This is manipulation - and he's really good at it. Until you start seeing through his crap, he will be able to play you like a finely tuned violin.

But without WH's support, I can't. I just feel helpless in this situation.

a very co-dependant statment.

We all know that everyone is capable of anything. You dont need this man in your life to live a full happy life with your dog.

I echo everyone here that says keep the dog. Rethink what kind of R that you are actually in (i dont see much of an R here at all) and then stand up for yourself. You deserve better, and you are better then he's letting you think you are.

Do not let him have power over your strength.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What confused615 said.

I know you're hurting - but I can't help believing your thinking needs to be confronted. The way through this pain for you is to be a person in your own right.

Your H can be depressed and support you simultaneously.

You can also support him and seek support simultaneously, but now doesn't seem like the time to do this. Your H is depressed and you need support because your H cheated and broadcast it to the world. He is the problem right now, and you need to use tough love - confront, don't hold him and tell him everything will be OK. The only way for things to get OK for him is for him to do a lot of work.

Yes, the dog is a problem dog. That's a natural result of being abused. Your H is an adult with a brain. Certainly he can teach himself to treat your dog gently, with love and respect, instead of doing things that trigger the dog.

The facts that he wants to get rid of the dog, that he wrote the post bragging about cheating, that he ignores the continued comments, that he accuses you of non-support - that's why people are wondering why you want to stay.

You describe doing a lot to adjust to your H. Let me guess - is his view that the world is usually wrong, and he's usually right? Maybe he's right, but maybe he's so stuck in blameshifting that no one notices it as such....

As a start, can he edit his original post? Can he post again taking responsibility for being a jerk and for entirely screwing up his life and yours?

I hear that you want R, but your H doesn't sound like a good candidate yet. He may never become one, but I fear he'll never become a good candidate for R unless you detach and demand that he step up.

I really hope you keep the dog.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:03 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on my phone so right now I'm just going to address a few simple miscommunications which are my bad

The post on my forum is a repost of his post on another forum. He posted that post in 2012 (fall) and it can't be edited and he says he wouldn't have deleted it anyway because he doesn't want to hide things like that bc it'd be more suspicious.

Edited for weird formatting and typos

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 9:59 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry. Darn phone.

I'm not being willfully codependent.
I will address the rest of your comments asap

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:00 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Mack9512
♀ Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If at all possible keep the dog and rehome the WH.

JMHO.
Mack


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 377 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not being willfully codependent.

I have not met many that are.

But its not about the dog.

He's using things around you, to force you into choices that benefit him, no you.

He knows the buttons to push, the words to say, and the ways to get you to THINK you are making the choices, but in reality, he's guiding you the whole way.

And his actions and his words dont match at all, at least not in this instance.

Remorse is not wanting ot be 'over it' already. Its not gaslighting and its certianly not doing something to an abused dog that would guarantee a negitive reaction from the dog, and then think you need to get rid of her.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012
lovelymrsm
♀ New Member
Member # 40077
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mysticpenguin,
I totally get what you are saying. but I can understand why the other posts are being so direct (and a bit harsh). Often other people can see warning signs way before we can.

My husband used to do very similar things that you are talking about. I only started to see that his behaviour was emotionally abusive (strong words but it gets the point across).

I spent some hours in the healing library and learned ALOT. then I chose a few articles for my fwh to read. of course I had to tell him about this site which "hurt him" but we began to learn so much together. we learned about why we reacted certain ways and lots of stuff.

most importantly he learned that I needed time heal and ask questions.

tell ur wh honestly that the dog is helping you to not become depressed. and you both just need time before making any big decisions(advice from the healing library)

good luck and post us


BS me 38,fWS him 40
Married 2004
4 kids S21,S7,twinsS/D4
DDay1-PA-Nov17,04 ow1 xgf
DDay2-PA-Jan07 ow2 my co-worker
DDay3-PA-Aug11 ow3 5x/2wks hooker
DDay4-E/PA-Aug13 ow4 (Jan-Apr13)
TT Aug13, working on R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all have different things that we feel are intolerable. For me, bragging to the universe, providing graphic sexual details of infidelity.... That is way, way beyond the pale. It seems intentionally designed to humiliate and hurt you. I find it incredibly difficult to fathom how on earth you are not incredibly angry about this, nor how he can play it down and make himself the victim. I cannot imagine the mindset of someone who would write about this and then hit "publish" KNOWING that you are known in the blogosphere and this would inevitably come back to you. I have to stop myself here... But please, please reconsider this relationship.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a dog lover. If my WH wanted to "rehome" my dog I would say the dog stays - you go.
My dog loves me unconditionally, is loyal, trustworthy, has never lied to me nor cheated on me with another dog lover. Can I say the same about my fwh? No.
Tell your WH to spend some time with you and the dog and your dogs comfort level will increase. And let him know he has no idea how depressed you will be if dog goes.
Your WH should be telling YOU that he loves you and will support YOU.
And whatever money and assets your WH has is also yours .
You might want to consult with an attorney to see what your rights are.
Take back your power and let him know that you will be a force to reckon with if you do not get his full
support.
You have done NOTHING wrong -
he has.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 427 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 14

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