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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife's EA with a teenager... lots of details.
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Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we arrive here we are often encouraged do what we can to protect ourselves emotionally(the 180), physically, financially, and in some situations legally.

You've started the process of protecting you and your kids, don't stop just yet. Please visit an attorney to find out how badly this can go IF the parents make the decision to prosecute your wife. Bring your wife with you. You may not need to retain them, but do ask their advice on ways to minimize the damage to your family. If nothing happens great! Your wife has had a warning what continuing this behavior can bring upon her family. Maybe the attorney visit will be an eye opener for her . I said to bring her because if you relay what the attorney said, she will likely not believe anything you say. In her mind you are jaded-so why should she listen to you?

I wish you and your family strength.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5284 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im glad you came back. I know some of the responses were difficult to read. Mine may have been one of the "harsh" ones. Please know,my main concern was helping you keep your kids. the pain of dday is horrific..and I was trying to prevent you from losing your children,on top of this mess.

As tushnurse need to see an attorney. The boy's parents,once the shock has worn off,and once they have talked with their son,may take legal action. Then CPS will be at your house..talking privately with your children.

Someone mentioned that 16 year olds know right from wrong. And while that may be true,they are still very much a child. They don't have the best judgement. They don't have the life experience to know how things play out. A 33 year old woman DOES.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:53 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
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Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

INYIM, I'm glad you are back. I respect your strength and resolve. You have so much to deal with and there really are caring, experienced people here who will give good advice and support. Please stay.

I want to gently disagree with those posters who are calling your wife a pedophile. That is not accurate. A pedophile is attracted to pre-pubescent children. Your wife may be an ephebophile, but she is not a pedophile. That does not excuse her lack of judgment, nor does it diminish the harm this relationship may have caused the boy. But I'm bothered by the quickly applied and unhelpful label some have thrown around.

I wish you continued strength. Keep doing the right things. Take care of yourself. Reach out for help.

[This message edited by hotcoffee at 1:08 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've handled a truly horrible situation with a lot of grace, class, and honor. Please, please take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. And come back often for support.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4949 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
solus sto
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Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow--you handled that with genuine dignity and strength. Kudos.

You have a whole community of people here to bolster you when you need it.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8852 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admire you for your grace and dignity and wish you continued strength in your journey. God bless you and your children and I hope your WW can find peace and remorse. And blessings on that young man. He has a journey of healing to make, too.

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3670 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also echo the sentiments of the other posters---you have definitely handled things much better than I...or many other members here...may have handled things up to this point. You have my admiration.

As brutal as some of the ensuing fallout may be, there is a good possibility that ALL parties can move forward from this point---especially if all parties know what mistakes were made, and how to prevent these in the future. Your wife and the 16y.o. will definitely need some counseling.

I hope that the worst is behind all of you. I hope that, although as terrible as this situation is, that it could have gone much, much worse if more time elapsed. I hope that you know all of the facts, so you can start to rebuild. I believe if your wife puts in the effort, she can earn back your trust in the future.

Good luck.

2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D

Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
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Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I admire the way you handled the situation. You were sensitive and responsible about it. I hope you can now focus on yourself and your children and figuring out what kind of help your wife needs.

It sounds like all parties handled the situation with as much grace as could be mustered under the circumstances. Infidelity is tough enough but your situation is compounded. It's going to be hard but you've already started out by doing the right thing- for both your wife and the boy (and your conscience). I wish I could tell you it's going to get easier but it probably won't for a while. I'm sorry for that.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 4149 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You have been in my thoughts. I'm sorry for your situation. Another case where they don't realize the ramifications of their actions.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
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Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You did the right thing, exposing it...immediately.

I was one of those blunt ones. Not trying to thread jack, but I want you to know where I was coming from.

My H's A was with the daughter of his pastor (he was living away from home at the time.) They kicked him out to keep it a secret, then also told me to not come (I hadn't ever been there anyway.)

My church (our home church for years) handled it much better. H tearfully apologized publicly to the entire congregation (his idea, not theirs), and was welcomed back by good friend of ours would not forgive him for months, and openly avoided him...that was good for WH to experience.

A clandestine pedophilia who had tried to take advantage of our son there while I was dealing with my H's A (H was still living out of town, and the p. offered to take our son biking and camping as a "male mentor and friend".) was formally expelled from our congregation and several other congregations he was attending and "helping" at after we exposed him, because he kept lying about his behavior and would not repent. That meant that he would continue preying on vulnerable kids/families.

We even got the police involved, and hopefully they are keeping tabs on him, so when he crosses the line and evidence can cause him to be arrested and incarcerated, he will finally be arrested. In our case, the police said he got away with was one kid's word against an adult. No other evidence or major laws broken. Just contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and the DA didn't want to bother with it.

Is your pastor going to handle this privately or publicly? Is he going to remove her from her post permanently? He should. She needs to be mentored by older women, not mentoring younger women and men.

In our case, I was told OW/pastor's daughter had an A two years earlier. She got caught, the OM and his entire family (8 children in tow) moved out of town b/c of the pain on his W.) and the church almost split, but didn't.

After her A with my H, they removed her from her post for a few weeks, then she was right back. A couple of years after her A w/my H there was a major split in the church because of other issues, and daughter's A and how the church handled it didn't help things..

Telling you all this, because I can sympathize with you, as we have some similarities: it happened in and to people in our church. (Some) Leaders will be scrambling to do damage control, and you and your children may be victimized further by the efforts of leadership to protect the church's image.

If it is out in the open, there can be no lying gossip. I prefer that.

As for our home church (where we had attended before H moved), the A did not destroy it. No one gossiped because they were told what happened by my H. People were loving to me, and respectful of my H because he came completely clean about the A...not the porn, because it wasn't found out by me until later, after we had moved.

Get ready for a rocky ride in your M and in your church.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
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