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Newest Member: madboomer (44576)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife's EA with a teenager... lots of details.
MeanBean
♂ New Member
Member # 36375
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your rugsweeping your wife's pedophilia. There is no justification for it. And now your an accomplice in keeping it secret.


Me BH:36
Ex W:33
Married 7 years/Dated 3 years
DDay1:October 12 2011
DDay2:November 3 2011

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2012
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Taking your kids with you to stay with family or friends for a while, until this situation unfolds, will be one of the best most IMMEDIATE actions you can take to protect yourself legally from being seen as an accomplice..

Lawyer up for advice on how to protect yourself legally because you and the kids being protected needs to be the priority..

Whether or not your WW had a PA with the boy, you should assume that she did and act accordingly..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Nov 2011
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife sounds terribly immature and adolescent-like. Do you have a son with her? She needs lots of therapy. I know there is a lot to be considered, you kneed to protect your kids from the shame and humiliation and hurt this could bring to them. Protect yourself and your kids, mandatory therapy for the wife.
P.S.
If I caught a woman doing that to my son and got a hold of her, . . . , she would think long and hard before doing something like that again.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 584 | Registered: Mar 2003
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally I don't see this 16 year old as the top of the priority list

I agree that seeing a lawyer is of paramount importance. You're not just dealing with infidelity, but also with a potential legal crisis.

This 16-year-old is a victim. The age of consent in Texas is 17, unless it's a "Romeo and Juliet" situation-- one in which boyfriend and girlfriend are teens who are close in age, one above and one younger than 17. In these cases, the age of consent can be lower, if the age differential is less than 3 years. (This law keeps 17-year-olds with 16-year-old girlfriends off sex offender registries.)

Age (and power) differential comes into play HUGELY in Texas, when it comes to legal decisions involving minors and sex offenses. A grown woman in a position of authority having a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old is, indeed, breaking the law.

This needs to be stopped, and not just in a way that protects the offender, her BS, her children, and her reputation.

ALL kids in this woman's midst need to be protected. Things are already starting to come apart at the seams; it's only a matter of time before the truth emerges. When that happens, I personally would want to be able to look the boy's parents in the eyes, knowing I'd done everything I could to protect their son, upon learning of the situation.

INYIM, I am so, so sorry for your pain. That your wife has chosen to behave in this way has turned your life upside down. Learning your spouse has cheated is horrendous. Learning that she has done so with a child must be devastating beyond compare.

But please--do the right thing. Tell the boy's parents the WHOLE truth. Give them copies of the conversations. Tell those in a position of authority at church, so that your wife can be removed from any position that puts her in proximity to kids.

Please. It's more important to protect other kids than to protect her reputation.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8478 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MeanBean,
This is the jfo forum, your comments on scaring the original poster is not needed. Again. This person is here for support.

We should not be judging him on his wife's actions. I honestly IMHO do not understand why we are not showing him as much support as we would in a 'normal' infidelity situation. The standard compassion and advice has not been expressed and I am frankly disappointed. We should be his personal cheerleaders.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't commented on this situation because of it's content and I did not want to say anything that would hurt or insult itsnotyouitsme.

I agree with lauren123. We should be supporting this poor BS. By the way he didn't say he wasn't going to talk to the boys parents he promised the boy he would not talk to them unless he was there and asked our advice.

My advice is to tell the child's parents, get IC for yourself. This is too much to take in at one time so eat as much as you can and get as much sleep as you can. Also, realize this is not your fault. Your wife has a serious problem. She needs council.

Good Luck
((((((((((Hugs)))))))))


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
brainless twit
♀ Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for what you're going through. I recently had the joy of reading thousands and thousands of texts via an iPhone recovery program so I know how traumatic that part must have been for you. It's one thing to hear about it and an entirely different thing to see it for yourself.

I know some of the responses have been very emotion-charged, and as the parent of a 15 year-old boy, I understand it to a degree. However, the fact remains - this is a horrible betrayal on many levels and you deserve support. Your situation is a pretty unique one and I'm sure it's difficult for you to talk about what your wife has done.

I do agree that you need to talk to this kid's parents. It may seem counterintuitive to drag it all out again, but it needs to happen. They deserve to know so they can take appropriate actions on their end - mainly, they can help you in making sure that contact doesn't continue. I also think your wife should step down from the youth program immediately. There's nothing that says she can't hold a leadership position in a church ever again, but I don't think right now is the time.

I know you have a long, hard road ahead and my prayers are with you and your family. I hope you'll keep posting here; this place saved my life.


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
hotcoffee
♂ Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good points BT, Lauren and Josephine,. I hope we see INYIM again.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Red  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MeanBean, this a brand new member. If you can't be supportive, stay off the thread.

Everyone else, we know this is an upsetting and volatile situation. It's very important we remember that we are dealing with an overwhelmed and reeling new member. Let's concentrate on support and not overwhelm him.
I too hope he returns.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44199 | Registered: Sep 2006
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope he returns as well. I believe some of the high emotions are ones we experience as parents when we see vulnerable kids taken advantage of. I realize that he doesn't want to see his WW in this light, but, unfortunately, that is how others, including the child's parents and the church administration, are going to see it.

I have raised teens. They are long on bravado that they "got this" but in so many ways they are still children. This is why laws exist to protect them. And that is why the laws are written to protect them. The law assumes that the adult in the scenario is the responsible, mature party and should not cross that line with a child.

Your WW could be held on criminal charges, and you could also, depending on the laws of your state. Please, for the sake of you and your children, seek legal advice and if you do want to reconcile your marriage, understand that your WW has some serious issues that need quite a lot of therapy to heal. And please also understand that therapy may not heal them.

Many of us, myself includes, have been outspoken and blunt. I realize this causes you pain; however, I believe you also need to realize your precarious legal situation and the full ramifications of her actions. Please consult an attorney. A good one.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 6:00 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29562 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also hope he returns..I could be of some help..I was there to support my best friend, who went thru a similar experience..
She was fortunate (if you can say that) that she didn't know of the behavior or of the infidelity ahead of time..Her D day was when the police stormed their home and arrested the WH...As the next few days unfolded she learned what happened..This crisis happened 3 months after her new baby was born..
The legal issue itself takes years before there is a final disposition..The fallout or the stigma can affect the family for a lifetime..To the original poster, I can PM you and offer you support based on my experience with my best friend..I am not here to judge you..You are in the same position that she was except that you may be in a better position to protect yourself and kiddos than she was..
That was why I suggested that you assume WW was physical and act accordingly /get yourself and the kids out of the home and lawyer up at the same time.

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:14 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Nov 2011
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am posting as a member now. I have finally had time to read your original post and I am so sad for you.
I think though your situation has many unique elements, where you will find the most help here is in the commonalities. Every Betrayed Spouse on this site has felt shock and horror and shame. Every one of us didn't know where to turn, what to do, or how we could possibly even begin to pick up the pieces.
You likely can't eat or sleep, and don't know what to do next.
We can relate, we understand, and we as a community are here for you.
Try to sleep, maybe even talk to your doctor if you can't. Try to eat. If you really can't even some soup or toast. Just a little something. I found Ensure shakes helped for a little while. It's important to take care of these basic needs, because you are in crisis mode, need your wits about you and have hard decisions to make.
I hope you return and that we as a community can show you that we understand, and that we can gently help you navigate this storm.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:39 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44199 | Registered: Sep 2006
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we can gently help you navigate this storm.

Definitely agree


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My brother was 16-17 when an older, was 30+ married woman got involved with him. He is fucked up to this day about women.

He later was 30+ himself with a wife and kids. Didnt trust, couldn't trust, and had an affair himself and left his wife.

Second wife...yeah he doesn't trust her either. Because he learned at an early age that married women can't be trusted.

This really messes with the mind. Report her to church leadership, blow this wide open.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 924 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
ItsNotYouitsMe
♂ New Member
Member # 40325
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your replies did have an effect on me. Not only did I go to the Pastor of our church, I also met with the parents of this teenager, the very night of the post and 20 some replies I received at that time.

I would first like to say thank you to all that replied. Some of you, yes were more gentle in tone than others, but either way, I appreciate the honest opinion of everyone, whether gentle or blunt I'll say. It helps to see that no matter the tone of the response, we all can agree how wrong it was and what should be done. I realize there will have to be some assumption because in dealing with the lies, you almost have to assume the worst is going on. With men I see this easily, myself a man, but with women, well it's all about the emotion, lines crossed, yes,... child predator... nah... I keep thinking Chris Hansen, To catch a predator... no, not her. Well, Thank you again.

I wanted to wait a few days for the situation to settle and feelings to be processed, steps to be taken before coming back and posting a response.

Our pastor came over the next day after I told him and talked with us for over two hours. He expressed the same concerns as everyone here, about everything that happened and the seriousness of it all. After all, they do background checks and have protocols for situations just like this and even training on what is inappropriate conduct with youth. (Wife must of missed or forgot that) He wants to continue meetings and we have another scheduled this week. He also will talk with the parents.

The parents came and yes, my wife only admitted to the mom that she had been texting him secretly, but no context was discussed. So when I was with both the parents, I told them of the seriousness of it, the "I love you" and "Can't wait to see you" talk daily. The mother was of course surprised and her first question was, "is this true?", to which my wife cried and said that her first intentions were only friendship (typical response) because he seemed so depressed and that no-one understood him. My wife did a lot of crying and apologizing. His parents were calm, they listened mostly. I think also they are going to need time after they heard such things. The bigger issue was their son, I have no idea of the closeness they have with him, but He is also going to need someone to open up too, to work through the hurt of it all. It would normally be a little weird to think about the other person this way, but he is just a teen.

I am glad I told them, so that they could help him. As some of you have posted, that could really screw with a 16yo and being able to relate correctly to the opposite sex, leaders, married people, etc.

As I exposed the situation to our pastor and to the parents, I was re-living everything over again. It was foolish to think I could somehow be content in this bubble of secrecy with someone who couldn't be trusted. It seems also to be true that the person who is betrayed can have their judgement clouded and be motivated by just the feelings of it all and not what is truly the right thing to do in the circumstance. That is why it's very helpful to have a safe forum like this, to get the clearer picture of the corrective action. The biggest thing is that bond of betrayal that we unfortunately carry, but it does now gives us the tools to encourage each other and suggest the hard, but corrective things to do.

I will update again. Thank you.

[This message edited by ItsNotYouitsMe at 12:22 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad that you spoke with the pastor, and the boy's parents.

You STILL need to see an attorney, and find out what you should be doing to protect your role as father, and how to move forward. These parents may want to prosecute when they stop reeling. Please protect yourself and your kids. I know you want to protect your wife, or the person you thought your wife was, but she is not that person.

In addition is she seeing an MC? If not, get her into one ASAP. If she hopes to heal, and you hope to save your marriage she has to figure this stuff out. She crossed a boundary that simply isn't crossable unless you are sick.

Please please please protect yourself and your children. If the parents press charges against your wife, DFS is going to be knocking on your door, and you need to be prepared.
Don't disallusion yourself that they won't because they are good church people, or they told you they wouldn't. Prepare for the worst possible outcome, anything less than that will be relief.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8062 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Daysie
♀ Member
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Hugs))))

I am so glad you returned to this forum.

You will get lots of good advice from the kind people here.

You are in my thoughts.


Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????


Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sir, that was real grace under fire.

Stay solid. Make sure you're drinking enough water, eating right and sleeping if you can. Exercise will help also. Good luck.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7407 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMYM, you are handling an incredibly difficult and emotional situation with grace and dignity. Please remember to take care of yourself and your children~emotionally, physically and legally.

Sending you strength.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 356 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a brave and healthy person to seek help in your situation. You've kept trying to see things clearly and take the best possible action despite all the churning emotions of betrayal. Well done, keep it up, and remember to take care of yourself and hug your kids.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 70
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