[This message edited by DeMinxed at 2:56 PM, August 16th (Friday)]
Have you read this? Might help.
[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 10:57 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
Keep yourself busy. Gardening, puzzles, baking, whatever. Someone also mentioned a rubber band around the wrist. When your mind goes to AP, snap that sucker on your wrist. Your mind shifts to the pain of the band and not the AP. When your mind goes to AP, picture a big stop sign. Then do something else.
For a while, it's moment by moment. You get thru 5 minutes. Then get thru 5 minutes more. Then a couple hours. Then days. Then months. Takes time.
I do have a question for you though. I read your previous posts. Your husband has no idea you've continued your A the past two years. Also read that you have no intention to tell your husband. Then on my thread you said, "His unconditional love". Are you serious? He has no clue about your continual lies and betrayal. Do you think he doesn't deserve to know what you've been up to the past 2 years? That he doesn't deserve to know you have continually put his health at risk by playing around with your boy toy?
I get the NC battle. But why the continual lying to your husband?
[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 11:18 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]
You stated that his love is unconditional. But you wont tell him about your continual lies and deceit. Well if his love is so unconditional, confessing shouldn't be a big deal. Right? He loves you unconditionally because you're lying and he has no idea. That's an unfair disadvantage. Don't you think?
You say that confessing would be to "relieve your guilt". That's not what confessing is about. I could have lived the rest of my life and not told my husband about my last A. He never would have known. He could have lived in ignorant bliss. But I confessed. Because I had promised to him 10 years ago to love, honor, cherish, and cling only to HIM. I broke that vow. And he had a right to know about the third party in our marriage. He had a right to know so he could decide how to maneuver the rest of his life.
You have zero integrity, your word means nothing, you are a liar, till you tell the truth. You cannot live a truly authentic, honest life, till you come clean. That's all I'm saying.
If you can live a lie, lucky you. But you should beware that this could come back and bite you in the butt hard, at any moment. You will live life, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Are you really prepared for that?
Have you read the Dry Adultery thread? Might wanna check that one out.
^^^sounds judg-y to me
You're gonna do what you're gonna do. I'm not judging. Just stating fact from personal experience.
Good luck to you too.
Your still burning flame for your AP, NC or not, is coming through your words, IMHO, loud and clear.
You have no right, IMHO, to choose for your BS whether or not to put him through any more devastation. Especially when that choice is essentially a way for you to protect yourself (and, yes, your AP) from revealing additional lies and deceit.
Sorry, that's my IMHO take.
You had an affair that, once busted the first time, took it underground another 2 year yes? Can't tell you how many times I've seen BSs post in JFO and General "Well, the A never stopped." Tell me again how that fits in the "integrity" category?
If you don't want to confess that's your choice.
So what are you going to do to ensure that you're not going to cheat again? Are you going to look internally at your broken bits? Or are you going to white knuckle this?
I'm not picking on you. I'm not judging you. I'm asking you honest, grown up, real life questions. Why are you defensive?
But the truth is I did not join this forum to be judged or criticized about my decisions. I joined it so I could have someone to relate to and I joined it for confirmation that I'm not the only one in the whole world going thought this right now.
I had a secret from 13 years before my d-day. It came out after d-day. It sucked. I wish I would have told my BH years ago, and I certainly wish I would have told him the whole truth on d-day instead of torturing him with trickle truth.
Sometimes a message that gets us defensive, is exactly the message we need to hear.
This all takes time. Take the time you need to process, but it will help you to drop the defenses. Being defensive will shut you out from all kinds of good advice.
Good job on the NC. But truly, you need to dig deep and get some real tools going for the long haul.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:27 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
I am grateful for the people who early on told me what I needed to hear. There was a BS who came down so hard on me every day and I hated it (thanks, Bethany). I almost left, but I stayed and after awhile I realized that it was what I needed to hear all along.
Go or stay, it's your choice, but like I said up above, dropping the defenses will only help you.
We understand and we are here for you if you're ready to do this.
You have a pm.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:08 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]
I can offer you support if you decide to return to SI. Feel free to PM me if you'd rather talk privately.
Continued best of luck with NC. Congrats on making it through the first week.
Stay positive. You can do this!