As I write this post my wife is walking my girls to school. Her AP truck is most likely parked between our house and the school. ...he did all last year...speaks to the type of person he is and where he is at on his life's journey.
You and I share almost identical stories...time frame of DD, length of affair, nature of affair.
I am surprisingly ok with this moment.
I am also drained and tired...but in a peaceful way..not an anxious way.
I am about halfway through a book on forgiveness...it teaches about the various types of forgiveness and the realization that forgiveness may not happen, but that acceptance must happen in place of true forgiveness.
I am gaining some good perspective on how I am working and not working on forgiveness.
Your road block is my road block....forgiveness.
About 3 months ago I worked on forgiving myself for my early decision to sacrifice my self worth and esteem in a feeble attempt at keeping my marriage and family together. That was tough...but I did it. Gives me hope I can find the path to forgive my wife.
I still have strong desires to protect my family...still want to engage my wifes AP in unhealthy ways (pretty brutal, primal ways here...no thought of a letter!). This is why I am NOT with my wife and daughters today...it is by my own lack of distance down this path towards the AP that prohibited me from this memorable experience of first day of school drop off.
I will say that I watched a local t-ball game this summer with a friend of mine (his kid playing)...and her AP was in the bleachers....he knew I was there, I knew he was there. And I did NOT have that primal urge to engage. So I am progressing. The big difference then? It was just me...my family did not attend the game with me. Kind of like when I come across a snake in the woods...it might alert me but it does not rattle me. But if my 6 year old is next to me and is not paying attention I engage the situation more earnestly.
Ultimately, it is through saddness that I will get past my anger towards her AP. He has hurt his family (5 kids) in ways that will affect them for a long time, that saddens me...if it leads to divorce in his family...it will affect them for a lifetime, a horrible consequence brought on by his sad decision. My wife has hurt our family in the identical way.
There is nothing to be jealous of here. Neither my wife or her AP gained anything from their actions and lost much. No justification to be jealous for what they "got" out of their choice. No justification to be jealous of who he is. No need to engage our spouses AP's ever. Even if they re-connect with our spouses, it will simply be time for us to move forward on our lifes journey without them.
His choice to do what he did with my wife, combined with where he continues to park and a compromising position I caught him in with another woman NOT his wife after he broke it off with my wife tells me what type of "man" he is....and this is the type of man my wife chose to committ adultery with. This is the facts...and I fully see and accept this. I think in this regard...although it is really puzzling how my intelligent wife could choose such a sub-par man to so radically and quickly committ to and engage with, I think the benefit will be that it is easier to move past him as a substantial part of this. If he actually possessed quality character traits I could see my wifes choices and justifications better...be harder to take him out of the equation like I am doing. Of course, she DID choose him. So I am probably splitting hairs here......my work is to reconcile who my wife is that this was her choice. I am hopeful that she will continue to share her experience, her steps along her journey to figuring out how she made the choices she made, how her views were then and how they changed now, and the significance of those to her....continue to share where she is changing to mend that which is damaged, both within herself and our marriage.
Closure with regards to the AP's is ours to take...not for anyone (our spouses or their AP's) to give us. Do we have the courage to take this? I am working on that....I see you are too.
Hang in there.
God be with us all.