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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: We had an argument
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Content  Posted: 9:30 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We argued last night and it was ok. I know that may seem insignificant, but if you're in a conflict avoidant marriage, you'll understand why it's not insignificant.

My H and I never argued really- or when we did, he'd just back down to smooth things over. It caused a lot of resentment through the years and left us with unresolved anger. We worked on that stuff after the A- both of us had to learn how to communicate what we were feeling and what we needed. Part of doing that was learning how to disagree without making it personal. The biggest issue I had to overcome was defensiveness and that was hard because I always felt judged and like I was worthless if we disagreed. That was my problem, not his. Once I embraced the communication part of it and engaged with my H in honest discussion, the need to be right diminished.

So the icon for this thread is correct- it's a smile because learning how to fight with each other is a good thing. When the pain of the betrayal is still so new and you're struggling just to deal with that, this might not be something you can think about. But as you heal and if both of you are invested in recovering together, it's important.

Disagreeing in a healthy way and still honoring each other's feelings is necessary for a life-long reconciliation. It's been 10 years since I made the worst decisions of my life. I broke my husband's heart when I cheated. But together we put the pieces of our marriage back together and we're 10 years out, happy and fully reconciled. Just wanted to offer some hope today.

Wishing you peace and healing.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23488 | Registered: May 2004
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Fallen!!

We argued last night and it was ok.


It seems like such an easy concept, but it can be so so hard. You rock my friend.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank You for the hope!!!


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2629 | Registered: Aug 2012
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great!!! That is progress and the start to rebuilding your marriage. In MC today we talked about conflict avoidance and how we used to handle conflict and how now I do not back down or avoid subjects and he is working on listening and it is ok to compromise. Isn't a great feeling to argue, resolve the argument and feel like it is all ok?


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great!!! That is progress and the start to rebuilding your marriage. In MC today we talked about conflict avoidance and how we used to handle conflict and how now I do not back down or avoid subjects and he is working on listening and it is ok to compromise. Isn't a great feeling to argue, resolve the argument and feel like it is all ok?


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great!!! That is progress and the start to rebuilding your marriage. In MC today we talked about conflict avoidance and how we used to handle conflict and how now I do not back down or avoid subjects and he is working on listening and it is ok to compromise. Isn't a great feeling to argue, resolve the argument and feel like it is all ok?


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen,

This was HUGE for us. Our arguments now usually end with a good feeling, because all that communicating leads us to better understanding .

Thanks for sharing the hope!

AN


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38018 | Registered: Sep 2007
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are just learning this with our MC. We used to me just like you.

He is teaching us to 'Mirror' during an argument. Do you use this technique?


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The biggest issue I had to overcome was defensiveness and that was hard because I always felt judged and like I was worthless if we disagreed.

True for my W, too. It's really hard to deal with (for both partners), but, boy, life is better for us, too, when we both speak up for ourselves.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something my FWH and I need to work on, too. We are both very conflict-avoidant. I tend to get defensive when issues do come up, while he tends to stonewall. We're working on better ways of communicating!


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
letitout
♀ Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I never argued really- or when we did, he'd just back down to smooth things over. It caused a lot of resentment through the years and left us with unresolved anger. We worked on that stuff after the A- both of us had to learn how to communicate what we were feeling and what we needed. Part of doing that was learning how to disagree without making it personal. The biggest issue I had to overcome was defensiveness and that was hard because I always felt judged and like I was worthless if we disagreed. That was my problem, not his.

My H and I are just like you and we argued last night and it was a disaster because of it. It was so bad that it ended up with the D word thrown in and that is not what we want.

You give me hope that everything will be ok if we just keep working on it. We are muddling through our M ourselves because we can't afford a can of beans let alone a MC. But we are finally talking and that is a start even though it ends up badly sometimes for now. Other times it's ok. We are very guarded when we talk so not to destroy the fragile lines of communication.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We didn't use the mirror technique, exactly. I was the one who didn't think about what he was saying. He heard me, but I tended to shut down when my H told me how he felt because I had no ability to handle criticism. So we didn't exactly repeat back to each other what the other person said, but I did slow my roll enough to actually process what he was expressing rather than just reacting irrationally.

It's made such a difference to just listen to each other- and if I don't understand something he's said, I ask. He seemed surprised the other night when I didn't react badly to his feelings. And it was a good talk. He was right- I was wrong, and owning it when you're wrong is important too... another hard lesson brought to us by the work we did after my A.

letitout- a lot of the discussion we had in the early days, especially about the A, was text/instant message. It gave me enough space to feel safe talking about things and it made us both think about what we were saying to each other. That doesn't work for everyone but it really helped us.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23488 | Registered: May 2004
brainless twit
♀ Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just posted a thread about something similar - we had an argument that ended well for the first time in 16 years together. Hooray for both of us!!!!! :)


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's something funny that we think arguing is a good thing.

BTW, hi unfound!!


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23488 | Registered: May 2004
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's something funny that we think arguing is a good thing.

My wife was "Standing with fists" and I loved it. It was the weirdest thing. I just wanted to hug her.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Topic Posts: 16

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