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User Topic: I don't know what to think or do!!!
nestlee
♀ Member
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This past 2 weeks has been hell for me. For some odd reason my H has been checking my texts. Taking my cell away...giving it back before he goes to work. Calling me from work 3 to 5 times a day to check up on me( no kidding). My brother wants my children and I to join his family for a 4 day camping trip. My husband won't let me go. I know what your thinking that I should of went anyways. But I can't, ever since I confronted him about cheating 2 months ago. He took all control over the finances. Its' gotten so bad. That if I need something then he'll take me to buy it.

The weird thing is. Every week for the past 3 months he has taken me out on a date night. Taking us on little family holidays. Telling me what a good woman I am. He quit working out . So if he's not working he's home. Which is nice but also sucks. Because if I have a girlfriend over for coffee. When they leave he'll go on about me being a lizbo. All my friends are happily married . But he still calls us lizbos. I know he's a little controlling... But does he sound normal to you!


Sorry for any typos...hard to type on this dam cell.



A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO! This is NOT normal. Nor is it a "little" controlling. This is totally controlling and scary as HELL!

Get out. Go with your brother. Have him come and pick you up. You are being kept prisoner in your own home. This is NOT OK. It is NOT normal. This is abuse.

I am frightened of where this is going.

((((((Nestlee))))))


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 915 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is abuse nestlee. It is one thing to check texts. It's all together different to have him take the phone away.

He has cut you off from the finances. He is dictating what you can and can not do. That is abuse.

He cheated. Not you. He is reversing roles on you and taking it to the extreme. You are being punished to deflect your attention away from his behavior.

I highly suspect he is still cheating.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree he's trying to deflect your attention off of what he did. This way he can keep you going in circles and under his control. You were on the offensive and he's put you on the defensive.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9614 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are being punished to deflect your attention away from his behavior.

Exactly. This is abuse, and a major mind fuck to boot. HE is acting like YOU cheated? Accusing YOU of being with/liking other woman? And now you are feeling like you have to defend yourself, when the real issue is HIS behaviors?? I believe you could call it a red herring.

Find your bitch boots girl. You should be dictating things right now to make you feel safe in this relationship, and he's not "letting" you go somewhere with your brother?? You can't have friends over without him hassling you?? F that. Do NOT stand for this kind of treatment.

You shouldn't be too afraid to stand up for yourself to your H. IMO, you should be calling all the shots right now. You should have access to finances, and I would be searching through statements with a fine-tooth comb at this point if I were you. With all this deflection, my bet would be that he is still cheating too..

He's isolating you so he can play twisted mind games. And if you really don't see what is wrong with this picture, then perhaps some IC will help you realize you deserve better.


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1369 | Registered: Feb 2013
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me like he is attempting to isolate you from family and friends. Couple that with him taking over everything financial and he has effectively cut off all your support systems. He will then be able to do anything he wants and you will have no one to go to. This is very dangerous to you. It can lead to far worse abuse because he will have isolated you from getting help.

Get out now while you still can.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.


Posts: 3774 | Registered: Sep 2005
nestlee
♀ Member
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, I told my brother everything. He said my H is overly possessive and insecure. He's worried for my well being. I'm more worried about what's going to happen when I come back from camping. But my brother isn't taking no for a answer. He's picking me up in the morning. He wants to bring my 2 other brothers so they can beat the crap out of him. I cried and said that violence is never the solution. He promised not to make matters any worse. My H just left for night shift. I will finish the packing. I'm totally worried. But there's no backing out now.


A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
PurpleBirch
♀ Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((nestlee)) I'm so glad you told your brother! In my case, my WH questioned me about whether I was cheating on him after DDay. However, he didn't do all the things your husband has done. I was scared for you after reading your original post. So glad you're getting help!


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants to bring my 2 other brothers so they can beat the crap out of him.

I agree - but only because I would hate to see your 2 brothers get arrested.

nestlee, in my very humble opinion, you need to not go back - is there somewhere you can stay? I would demand that he get into counseling if there is any chance of you returning...and that would be after an extended period of IC. You should see an IC as well - this is really tough stuff to deal with.

I read your post and got a horrible feeling. I don't want to scare you, yet I don't want to hold back because I fear if I say nothing, the outcome will be awful.

Hugs to you...


Me - 48; FWH - 50
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
4yo GS & 14 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4802 | Registered: May 2007
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah please don't just go camping for a few days and come back and hope all is well. By you going he will be mad and also you don't know what he might do when people are not looking.

I hope you listen to the other people on this post and keep checking in.


Posts: 5522 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad you are getting help too! Just that you are nervous about his reaction, I think you know that the situation is obviously messed up right now for you.. And I see you almost making your brother the scapegoat if he does come down too hard on you. He should not come down too hard on you for this!!

Guys this controlling do NOT do well with perceived loss of control. I guess I'd like to offer some possible reactions I can foresee him having. One would be getting furious and lashing out on you (OBVIOUSLY not okay). Another would be him trying to "hoover" you, as in being extra nice to get you back under his control. I guess I'm most worried about the third one I can think of, which is him cutting you off, emotionally, financially, physically. He may start being very distant and cruel, and this would be a "consequence" of you trying to be assertive. Then you may get back in the mind fuck of defending your actions to the guy that obviously has the issues. You may wonder why he is being so mean and be sad that he can detach from you so easily. (I don't think it's really that hard for cheaters to detach as they must have done quite a bit of that to be cheating in the first place. But it's hell for the BS when they are still holding onto hope for the relationship and doing anything they can to save it and try to "fix" it.)

I guess my best advice would be to trust your gut. Don't let him manipulate you into thinking that these overly controlling and possessive behaviors are somehow "okay." They are not healthy or "okay." And I don't think there is any quick fix for this. He would have to demonstrate some serious remorse for this and actively be taking steps to get you to trust him again, dependably and reliably over a long period of time. I think transparency is one of the things REQUIRED to reconcile, and he won't even show you bank statements. I don't think he's anywhere close to sorry for what he has done, and I think he will continue to push back at you if you were to start listing some demands for R..

I hope you have a great time with your brother and really think about what you want out of your marriage. I would try to think of some requirements for you sticking around, and how you will pull off the consequences if he doesn't live up to your requirements..

Hugs to you..


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1369 | Registered: Feb 2013
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nestlee it sounds like you have some awesome brothers who love you dearly.

They will be there to support you. Let them.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi nestlee! I hope you are somewhere far away without cell phone service and enjoying a great time with your brothers and kids!!

Been thinking about you and look forward to an update.


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1369 | Registered: Feb 2013
nestlee
♀ Member
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I left yes I finally did..I took as much stuff that I could and left. I'm 3 hours away from home. I'm at my brothers house . Him and his wife took my kids with them camping they will be gone till Monday. I'm now located where all my brothers and dad live. I honestly don't think I'm going back.


My H has called me over and over to Tell me he wants to come down and talk. He said he'll bring his mother a long. If it makes me feel more comfortable. All of a sudden he wants me to take his Viza to make sure the kids and I have everything for camping. I never told him..I'm at my brothers house ...and the kids are the ones camping. I told him..that I don't want to try no more. I changed my # today. Cried ..cried. H is now emailing me saying if I come home he'll go to mc. He promised things will change. I haven't bothered responding. I honestly don't think I ever will.


A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be safe and make sure you have someone with you just in case your H knows about SI and reads what you posted.

Hugs. I sense this is the best thing for you.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 5957 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nestlee, give yourself credit for being brave! Telling your brothers and leaving like that may have saved you and your children from more than you know. I'm so glad for you.

Please give yourself some time. He's going to "hoover" you, just like Butterfly Girl said, and make all kinds of promises that things will turn into a faerie tale. Please don't give him the benefit of the doubt right now. His words don't mean anything after what his actions have shown.

Please stay safe with your family. If there is anything to salvage from the relationship, it's not going to happen soon, it's going to take TIME. And a heck of a lot of therapy for him.

Be safe. Be strong. Be aware that how he treated you won't magically go away. He has to earn back - if that's even possible - the opportunity to interact with you.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Apr 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very brave nestlee! Good for you. Keep those bitch boots on. Will keep thinking of you, and please keep us updated. We are all here for you.


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1369 | Registered: Feb 2013
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, you are incredibly brave! And awesome! ::hugs::


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 18

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