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Newest Member: whatdoido21 (45321)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Details, details, details
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kickboxer -

The brain has a natural ability to repress unpleasant/negative memories to protect one's psyche. This is probably what is happening. His brain knows he feels shame/fear/anxiety when he goes there.

My H is doing the same thing. I'm a very linear person - I think in terms of dates and places and times. He really dislikes questions like, "On X date, when you did not respond to my texts or calls, what were you thinking?" I know now, that because SAWH was starting his A that he was in fantasy land pretending he was not a 39 yo man with two kids and a wife living in the suburbs. Doesn't make it right, but it explains it. Also, MC made a point of saying that there are going to be things that don't have an answer. Try not to get hung up on those things. She also reminded H that this has been a trauma for me and asking 1000 times is going to be part of the process to get over the trauma.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
RemorsefulWH
♂ Member
Member # 36446
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the key thing for us all to understand as BS's is that we have to react in the right manner and by as honest as possible. I can honestly say I haven't always done that and am still getting it wrong, but I am trying. Thanks for your responses they have really helped me better understand perhaps why I don't remember and have helped me during a very difficult few days. Thank you


Me: WH 33
Wife: BS 32 (love of my life)
DD 4
Dday1: 12/03/12 and a number of others until 15/04/13, disgusted in myself

Posts: 75 | Registered: Aug 2012
ResoluteH
♂ New Member
Member # 39673
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had an extremely difficult time remembering details, and that has not been helpful to our recovery. I also have ADD, but in my case I don't think that has anything to do with it. I've tried to find ways to respond other than "I don't know" or "I don't remember," but I've had the same experience you have had -- no matter what I say, it sounds like "I don't know," especially to a smart person like my wife. I've tried to explain that being in an affair has some similarities to being on drugs (at least what I imagine it would be like to be on drugs -- that's never been one of my vices), which can also affect memory, but that doesn't satisfy her either. (Our counselor has also tried to explain that in some joint sessions, but also to no avail.) Some betrayed spouses want a lot of details, and some don't. My wife is on the far end of the "want to know details" spectrum. To make it worse, over time my perception of the affair has changed dramatically, especially as I've realized that a lot of the good things I thought I saw in my relationship with the other woman were just my own fantasies or imagination.

Bottom line -- I have zero answers for you, but I can tell you you're not alone.

[This message edited by ResoluteH at 4:08 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]


Resolute Husband

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
ResoluteH
♂ New Member
Member # 39673
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post.

[This message edited by ResoluteH at 4:07 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]


Resolute Husband

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
RemorsefulWH
♂ Member
Member # 36446
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks RH


Me: WH 33
Wife: BS 32 (love of my life)
DD 4
Dday1: 12/03/12 and a number of others until 15/04/13, disgusted in myself

Posts: 75 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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