How are you at handling stress? Not too good I take it...do you tend to forget details you know are important? You're "there" but not? Does your mind wander a lot? These are key. Once again, don't be ashamed at your answers, it's worth investigating.
Also, have you thought about a poly?
ETA: Is your W asking verbatem what was said?
[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 5:15 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]
Look I can't remember crap myself. But I like the other poster stating what meds you on and alchol etc.etc.
I would think if I was sexting and chatting other persons up I would know somewhat what I said. Just my thought on that and I am sure your Bss too..
My BS doesn't expect word for word but can understandably not believe that I can send in excess of 1000 text messages and not be able to give more than the general 'gist' of the messages.
You have raised some interesting questions though and would appreciate thoughts on my answers. Thank you
Heartache101 - couldn't agree more, there are no excuses, I'm at a loss myself as to why I don't know
**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson
The suck part of all of this is no matter what, your W won't be able to trust you for a long time. If ever. I had on more than one occasion my H tell me that I said or did this or that and years later I still can't recall it. Friends have told me the same. I feel like shit for it and it makes it worse when you can't remember the offending act because to the other person you're not fully absorbing the damage you unleashed. However, you DO feel it and you feel even worse for not remembering. Its a fucked game of mental tug-o-war.
I just had to get myself to the point to where no matter how much I wanted to deny the words or act due to faulty memory, I just had to accept it. My H was hurt. Who cares if I was right or wrong? Just because I couldn't remember it happening didn't mean it didn't occur.
I'm not saying the scenario above exactly applies to you, but maybe in some ways it does.
If you aren't in personal therapy, get in there. If you find a good IC, they may be able to help you unlock some of the lost thoughts or understand certain things.
I don't feel from your posts that you're trying to excuse your behaviors and I really do feel that your trying and working. I do. However, if drinking or drugs or FOO trauma were a possible contributing factor than its worth looking into. Its not an excuse but merely a tool to help understand and heal.
Something along those lines. Make sure to acknowledge her pain. Do not give her any more "I don't knows". If you called customer service and asked a question and all you got in return was a bunch of "I don't knows" you'd be a bit pertured, right? However if the person on the other end stated that they didn't have an answer but that they would gladly get back with you as soon as they had one or offer future assistance, you'd give them a chance.
Now don't just leave it at that. Write down what she's wanting. Look through old texts, emails, phone logs, anything you have. Look at calendars. Try to figurr out how to spark your memory. Let her know in advance that if something pops into your head you'll let her know immediately. Sometimes when I would have some clarity and not be under a cloud of stress, sometimes something weird and random would just pop in. Something I completely forgot about so I'd take the opportunity and try to remember as much as I could. I'd then go to my H and tell him.
Anyway, have you thought about if you had any FOO that could play a role in this? Like, during turmoil you'd kinda tune the world out?
Thanks for your replies.
My H has years completely erased from his mind from a traumatic childhood. Once in a while on a rare occasion he'll recall something but that was only after he realized that he had blocked so much out.
Its a process. Your W is going to have to make a decision as to how long she's willing to work on this. She needs to also work on herself and find healthy outlets. She's also going to have to figure out what she will do with the information once (if) it ever surfaces. What will she do if it's never revealed?
Its kind of hard at this point to really suggest anything else since I'm not aware of the full story and what she's wanting exactly. What has the counselor or therapist said in regards to all of this? What do they feel would be the best solution? Also, taking another poly is another suggestion maybe this time have it done by someone else. I think maybe a lot of therapy for the both of you, individually, is vital right now.
I will keep your family in my prayers.
I just posted about this during a sleepless night earlier this morning.
Scuba - these examples don't really relate to me, but I have just done an on line test which, although clearly isn't a diagnosis, shows moderate ADD. This has caught me completely off guard to be honest and is something I need to look into much more. Thanks for your help.
So we move from one day to the next...my questions feel blown off as though they're insignificant...which may not be reality, but that's how it feels. Sometimes I get insight to the information I'm trying to reconcile in my mind. Most of the time I don't.
Please be patient with her. If "I don't remember" really is the answer, recognize how hard that is for her to hear...and recognize that she may ask over and over and over and over (ad nauseum), because part of her will always wonder if the memory will ever recover so she can get the answers she feels she needs.
Best wishes on the road ahead. I hope you're both able to find peace, recovery, and a renewed devotion to each other on the other side.
[This message edited by kickboxer at 11:07 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]