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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: telling parents
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents know that WS cheated, and that I ended the relationship when I found out. We decided to R after that, and I never told my parents that I was back with him. They are the only people in my life that don't know.

Before Dday, I used to talk to my mom on the phone at least once a week. I think I've spoken to her maybe 3 times since Dday. I don't know how to talk to her about my decision to R. I know she won't support the decision, and unlike my friends, she never keeps her opinions to herself or even attempts to be respectful of my decisions.

My whole family is in town this week, and they usually only visit once a year. My WS wants to do dinner with my family this weekend. I have mixed feelings on it. I think it's important to include him since he's part of my life, but I also have zero desire to talk to my parents about him or my decision to R. And I know that dinner will be incredibly awkward, and that they probably won't talk to him. I'm predicting that dinner will cause a fight with WS if he goes, because they'll offend him probably. But it's also bad for me to exclude him. I'm really stuck on what to do.

I wish I had never told them about the A. It'd make things easier now.

Has anyone here told your parents about a split following Dday, and then how did you handle telling them that you decided to R?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well..your parents have a right to be upset..the best thing your WB could do is to go to dinner will all of you..and give them a heartfelt apology for hurting their daughter..and tell them exactly what work he is doing on himself to change whatever it was that made cheating an acceptable choice..and exactly how he is working to repair the damage he has caused you.

Basically..he needs to own his shit. You were right ti reach out to your mom for support and love after dday. Avoiding her now will only hurt cause hurt feelings between the two of you.

You do need to tell them before you all go to dinner and tell them you are trying to R..and ask that they please respect your decision. But I also think it is ok for your parents to express their disappointment in your WB;s actions. And it is absolutely ok for your WB to hear them out.


He would be offended? Because they are upset that he caused their DD great pain and devastation? If that's the case,then he needs to put on his big boy pants and accept the consequences of his actions.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7136 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He would be offended? Because they are upset that he caused their DD great pain and devastation? If that's the case,then he needs to put on his big boy pants and accept the consequences of his actions.

Under normal circumstances, I agree. But my parents are not your average parents. I think they maybe spoke five words to him when I was happily with him and planning marriage. I think he was offended back then, and I tried to explain that's just the way my parents are. They very rarely even talk to me. My sister and niece are here too, and they just focus on my niece. They rarely ask questions about my life. They don't ask questions or try to talk to any of the guys I've dated. They are just very focused on my niece, and their visits usually cause me headaches.

He has said that he would want to apologize to them. I just picture the whole thing being very, very awkward.

I also think I'm more worried about their disappointment in me, rather than their opinion of him. They were never overly supportive of my career choice, and all they want is for me to get married and have kids. They think that when one relationship starts to go bad, you should move on quickly so you can find the husband. It's very frustrating.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 3:53 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Jul 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonelygirl - Sounds like there is a lot more going on there with your parents than the infidelity issue. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

There definitely comes a time in life where we have to do what we feel is right for us, whether it pleases our parents, our family of origin, or friends, whomever.

Still, I can feel the pain in your post.

((hugs))

Hang in there...


Posts: 6216 | Registered: Dec 2010
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I know she won't support the decision, and unlike my friends, she never keeps her opinions to herself or even attempts to be respectful of my decisions. "

Just a word of caution with this statement. You MIGHT be assuming something that is not correct.

My wife did some assuming of me when she decided to have an affair. She was deciding what I could and could not handle based on what she assumed.

Knowing that, I am become very alert to assumptions.

Add to this what I see my own self doing and working on pre-A. My assumptions of myself were that I would not tolerate nor would I work through being cheated on...and here I am.

Ironically, my very post to you ASSUMES that your parents at least have a 50 50 shot of reacting one way or the other...so some assumptions are part of life.

Seems like at the end of the day, if you really want to R with your husband you will have to tell your parents (they will find out).

I assumed my Mom would react poorly to my wifes affair...since my Dad committed adultery...thus their divorce. And she did...kind of. She was pretty pro-separation at the begining...not pushing me, but definately telling me things that were not pro-marriage.

But she was not 100% that way...there were discussions that followed.

At one point I asked her "Mom, I know you will support me if I get divorced....but are you prepared to support me if I rebuild?". This caused her to pause.

She answered...."Yes". In an almost...I can't beleive I ruled this out until my son asked me this question...sort of tone. Make sense?

God be with you as you decide what your course of action to be regarding this very difficult decision.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:13 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LG10, your decision to R was a choice you did not make lightly and was, I am guessing, the hardest decision you have likely had to make in your young life (and you are young compared to me!) If you were my daughter I would be very proud of you for taking this on.

Having said that and having told my parents one month ago about D-Day and that we are in R, (because they don't live in the same province as us, we did it all at once) I can make a couple suggestions:

1) If you told your parents about the A, you need to tell them you are trying to R. You simply cannot hide this fact from them.

2) If there is any way the four of you can meet before dinner so that your H can apologize, great.

3) If this truly is not the time for a family dinner then I would suggest you stay home with your H and join your parents for lunch or coffee or whatever some other day. But since you decided to R, he either attends with you, or you stay put with him.

Of course it is going to be awkward to tell them. This is rotten stuff that makes everyone uneasy. But hey, you are trying to R! That is wonderful. You are honouring your vows, woman!
Your parents are quiet, okay. But they are getting wiser with each passing year.

Ask them to follow your lead. And if you are leading with grace and dignity, then why wouldn't they support your decision?

More then anything, you need friends of the marriage and if you are close to your parents as it seems you are, you have to trust they are going to be there for you.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 4:18 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree and I want to say gently, that this is your side of the family and if it is your choice to R then you need to make it clear and its your choice. Your parents also have a right to their feelings on the subject. You are going to have to tell them and I would do it before the dinner.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1591 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a word of caution with this statement. You MIGHT be assuming something that is not correct.

I agree I'm making an assumption... I guess it's just based on prior experiences with them.

If this truly is not the time for a family dinner then I would suggest you stay home with your H and join your parents for lunch or coffee or whatever some other day. But since you decided to R, he either attends with you, or you stay put with him.

Staying home isn't really an option. They only visit one week a year, so I have to see them.

If you told your parents about the A, you need to tell them you are trying to R. You simply cannot hide this fact from them.

I know I have to tell them. I've known it, and I've been avoiding it. But now I feel guilty leaving WS at home, because I know it makes him feel rejected. But I still want to avoid it. Maybe I want to wait until things are better with WS? We are still arguing almost every day, even though we have decided to R. Maybe it will be easier to defend my decision to my parents once I'm happy? Or maybe I'm just avoiding the whole thing out of selfish reasons.

Anyway, was just curious to hear how everyone here told their parents about R.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Jul 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently... See...the thing about waiting LG10 is that they are going to ask you at the dinner how you are. They are going to ask how you are managing since the split. What then?

Trust yourself and like blakesteele says, "don't assume".

The big picture - the long-term plan here is that you want to work on your marriage. Whether your parents approve or not.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently... See...the thing about waiting LG10 is that they are going to ask you at the dinner how you are. They are going to ask how you are managing since the split. What then?

I saw them last night for dinner too. Not a single question about WS, my dating life, how I'm doing, etc. Not a single question about anything dealing with my social life. I guess maybe I'm avoiding telling them because I feel like they don't really care to know anyway.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Jul 2013
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw them last night for dinner too. Not a single question about WS, my dating life,...

LG10 - you're not married right? Isn't this is your boyfriend? Maybe that's why they didn't ask because the last thing they knew was that you ended the relationship - so from their perspective there would be no need to ask about him. A a spouse might be different?

Just an observation.


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right, I am not married. I don't think that really changes that I need to tell them though. Just worried about it.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Jul 2013
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I totally agree, I was simply thinking that maybe they didn't ask about him because you aren't married versus if he was going to be an ex-spouse. Maybe it would make no difference at all.

In any case I agree that you should tell them. I'm sorry, I know it's hard. That's such the two-edged sword of reaching out to friends and family when we're so devastated. We so want and need their support, but they usually do hold on to those negative feelings long after we've decided to move through them.


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS wants to do dinner with my family this weekend. I have mixed feelings on it.

The things you have previously posted about your BF make me think this is somewhat of a power play on his part. Did he suggest this? If he did, why? From the outside looking in, he knows they were less than excited about your relationship with him. Do you think his intentions are to rub a little salt in the wound?


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 646 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The things you have previously posted about your BF make me think this is somewhat of a power play on his part. Did he suggest this? If he did, why? From the outside looking in, he knows they were less than excited about your relationship with him. Do you think his intentions are to rub a little salt in the wound?

No, not at all. He just wants to be included in my life. I think this whole topic makes me look bad, not him. I think it's reasonable for him to want to go to dinner with my family.

I have briefly wondered if he really wants to be with my parents or he just wants to feel included though. We got into an argument last year when they visited because he didn't want to go to dinner and I pretty much forced him to.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 15

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