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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Hope
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else have any moments to share from their BS, when you had a glimpse of a moment, no matter how fleeting, that it made you feel that you might actually make it.

It has been 3.5 years since DDay, and a long road. Last night at MC my BH said this.

He said:

I (about himself) AM MUCH STRONGER THEN I WAS THREE YEARS AGO. I WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH TO LEAVE THEN. NOW SOMETIMES I HAVE SO MANY REASONS TO LEAVE, BUT I AM FINDING SO MANY MORE REASONS TO WANT TO STAY.

I just wanted to share, because it does happen in baby steps. As long as we are committed to healing the hurt we have put our BS through, and we CONSISTANTLY keep NC, transparency, honesty and remain trustworthy...then these small glimpses of light do come.

It is still a long road, and I know that by next week my BH will probably pull away again, but I will hold on to this moment to get me through to the next "moment".

[This message edited by RSEB at 7:01 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


ME - FWW


Posts: 265 | Registered: Feb 2012
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4118 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the glimpses have been when my BW refers to me again as "Her Steve". In that brief moment, I almost broke into tears at being "Her Steve" again. We are only 2 months out from DDay and I live for moments like this.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH would tell you that one of his best moments over the last few months was when I was able to sit across from him after one of my triggers, reach out my hand to his and say...." I know this has been so incredibly hard on me but I also now realize just how horrible it has been for you too. It is my turn to be your rock and help you forgive yourself and your shame". The tears that came to his eyes showed me that this was one of those moments you speak about as a WS.

Sorry, I wanted to post that even though I am a BS.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone, thank you for your replies...hearing your examples made me choke up. I know you "get it"...when my BH said "I love you" a few weeks ago my world pretty much stopped. I cried uncontrollably like a baby, and he did as well. He couldn't get himself to say it since DDay, the few times he did, it was at my urging. He told me he couldn't get himself to say it because it hurt to much that someone he loved SO much could do this to him.

Yesterday afternoon we were having our cup of coffee after he got home from work, like we always do and he told me that he thinks he can forgive me. He knows I am a good person and no one else would take as good care of him as I do. I cannot put into words how ecstatic I am. I am almost afraid because I am afraid this isn't real and I am dreaming. My BH also told me that he knows he will have bad days in the future, but we will deal with it.

He also showed me a quote he found about love and this is how he thought of US so I thought I would share with SI

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”

I wish this for all of us remorseful WSs who now have realuzed the destruction our selfish broken choices have caused, that regret every minute of our affairs and want to put our BS's hearts back together one piece at a time, no matter how long it takes


ME - FWW


Posts: 265 | Registered: Feb 2012
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those little glimpses of a moment, the little "us" only things we share, are when we know we're going to be okay. The intimacies we feel both alone, and in a crowded room, give us a little glow inside. We think of them as making sure our pilot light is well tended. And when we put the gas on full...presto...our burners are igniting with ease.

The other night, I grabbed our kids and headed to a chain where you stand in line, get your food, and then sit. My wife was meeting us, and arrived later, after we were in line for about 10 minutes. We were still a few parties back from ordering when she showed up. Glancing back here and there, I saw her pop in. She came up to us, and I gave her a nice little cheek/ear kiss and then whispered something to her. She smiled, and with our hands we did a little finger squeeze to finish off our "hello". Later at the table with our food, my wife said the woman in the couple behind us/at our side (the line snakes back and forth) kind of gave her a combo sour/jealous look as she stood there with her smart phone viewing execu-husband and kids. That little moment, unplanned and which felt so good, is exactly what I had lost sight of when I...was so very lost.

Big and grand moments, and gestures, are mostly for movies and news feeds.

Our little gestures, many unspoken, are when we know the magic we found when we first met is still in play. It's been changed, challenged, temporarily lost (and worse...due to my selfish actions), but it never disappeared completely. And neither of us has ever said "it's no longer is enough to keep me here, with you".

We both feel our "us" is worth it, and together we're going to keep vigilant to never stray, for any reason, from that core belief. There's work involved, for us both, but for those little connected, "us only" moments which are so meaningful and powerful, as they say in poker "we're all in".


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
kroma
♂ Member
Member # 39964
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After 10 months from D-Day and 8 months from R-day my BW has told me she needs her space. That she is getting angrier and angrier, unhappy and miserable. As great as I'm being and the strides I have made that she just can't get past what I did. She says she doesn't know the future of our marriage. I will be moving out Sept 1st despite how I feel.
That being said the other night we had a rare emotional connection laying in bed talking and crying and we both said we were tired. Tired of what happened and tired from all the roller coaster emotions. That was a 1st night in a long time we both went to bed ok.
Since, we have been back n forth with emotions but last night she told me that that moment we shared a few nights ago gave her a very slight hope that we can R again and be happy.
As bleak of a situation I feel like I am in, that one comment will keep me holding on and continue my drive to save our marriage. Maybe not today, tomorrow or next month. But hopefully someday.


Me WS 44
Her 42
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
D-Day 09-30-12
R for 10 months
Separated 09-01-13

I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: new york
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kroma,
Hi, I just wanted to reach out to you because I could feel your pain in your post. You are less then a year out from DDay, that is very early on in this journey. Just a few words of advice.
1. You are very close to your 1 year Antiversary mark. That will be the hardest day, right after DDay that your wife will ever go through. If you can, take that day off from work and be there for her to help her through the day in any way you can.

2. Continue working on yourself because IF your BW chooses to R in the M, it will only benefit you both, and if not, you will be a stronger and better man for your children.

3. Let go of the outcome, just live in the moment. If your A was indeed a deal breaker for your BW, there is nothing that can be done. That is her choice to make. You can only be there for her, be consistent, open and honest with her at all times about EVERYTHING...the rest is her decision.

I wish you well.


ME - FWW


Posts: 265 | Registered: Feb 2012
kroma
♂ Member
Member # 39964
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB

Hi, I just wanted to reach out to you because I could feel your pain in your post.

Is it that obvious? My life feels like it's falling apart all over again.

As for your advice.....

1 - My wife has already made it known how hard the day will be. I will def reach out to her but I can almost guarantee she wants to be left alone. I will try and respect what she needs on that day and every day.

2 - I've heard this advice but not the way you put it. I guess if I continue to hope and at the same time continue my IC and relationship with my children something positive will come out of it. I'm hoping it's both.

3 - Ever since "Partial" (A multi week program of intense therapy) that has been a message I try to keep. Live in the moment. I can't change the past but I can work for the future. I fully understand that at this point I cannot do anything to change the way she is feeling right now. She is angry and unhappy and the only thing that can change that is time and space. I get it. And I'm doing it.

Thank God for this site and people like yourself. I have heard so much advice from people that are happily married (Appreciated) but they don't have the slightest idea of how hard my pain and my wife's pain really is. They have no idea the emotional roller coaster we're both on and how we just wish it would stop and go away. This is by far the toughest point in my life. I appreciate your words and anyone else who chimes in. SI is certaintly helping me.


Me WS 44
Her 42
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
D-Day 09-30-12
R for 10 months
Separated 09-01-13

I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: new york
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize my betrayal is very fresh to my BW and that she is still trying to keep her head from spinning and her world from falling apart. It is early on and we have only begun the long road to get through this.

However, after 8 weeks of either no talking to me whatsoever or when she did speak anger beyond my wildest imagination and threats of the demise of our marriage, this morning I got the following text. "I can say...sometimes...although rarely...I want to love you like I used to." I had to leave my desk at work, the tears were flowing like a river.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading this thread made me very emotional. I think it's a good thing. No time to really post but I wanted to say that I'm glad to have read it.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 236 | Registered: Aug 2013
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1bigidiot
your post made me get a lump in my throat. You hang in there. You are indeed very early in your R. Keep doing what you're doing CONSISTANT BEHAVIOR and complete transparancy ALWAYS anout EVERYTHING , not just A related. It is your BWs choice to give you the gift of R...you can only love her.
I can hear your hurt and I felt your chest erupting with uour wife's words in her texts. I am wishing you MANY MANY more moments like those


ME - FWW


Posts: 265 | Registered: Feb 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, a couple of these posts brought tears to my eyes...

TxsT- just wow. I aspire to be this kind of person. We don't love each other like this out loud...we are too stuck in our pride and ego..

RSEB: what a great thread and you are working so hard - hugs!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4785 | Registered: Dec 2010
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RachelC hugs to you too and many thanks for your words...sadly I started this thread a few weeks ago...it seems SO long ago...but I am glad I posted it heree so I can remind myself duringthe hard times.


ME - FWW


Posts: 265 | Registered: Feb 2012
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could remeber when it was but Teach moved over to me in bed and just laid behind me and put her arm around me. It is the little things she does. Sometimes I know I make it hard for her to even do those. So when one does happen it means even more. Mostly when she whispers she loves me. So not worthy. Great post. Great topic.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love telling my hopeful story...

When my husband was a boy he cut his leg on a fence. The scar is big and it's obvious the wound was ugly and deep.

One evening when we were lying in bed talking about recovering our marriage, I was crying and told him again how sorry I was for what I'd done. He took my hand, placed it over the scar and said, "This didn't hurt forever. We'll get through this."

We did get through it- and there will always be a scar, but it reminds me daily of what I almost threw away and how blessed I am to have a man who could see my pain in spite of his own.

It's been 10 years since the A. R is possible. Stay hopeful and DO THE WORK!


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23481 | Registered: May 2004
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow......so wow

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice to hear from you Fallen; I remember you well. I am happy your recovery with your very understanding, mature husband is prospering!

Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, OkNow... we're doing great. It's weird because it all seems so long ago but we've both changed and grown a lot. We take nothing for granted.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23481 | Registered: May 2004
Topic Posts: 19

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