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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm hurting how long does it last
strawblond30
♀ Member
Member # 6263
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ex is moved out something I've dreamed of but now I'm severely depressed. We still love each other but know its for the best to see what's right. We are divorced. I'm sad he is dating but what's new he was a serial cheater. He wrote me a letter to tell me how sorry he was. It's been two months since divorce I'm a wreck. Should I date ??? Should I put myself on a dating website if so what one ??😥


Me 39, EX H 40 married 17 years infidelity on both parts . He a serial cheater. I cheated for revenge and ran home to brag. Or make Him mad. He confessed to more affairs after that. We are now divorced living apart . 3 children

Posts: 957 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: illinois
Thelastknight
♂ Member
Member # 21851
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would take a break and rediscover yourself. I think you will like who you are.


"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Reformed BS 39 xWW 34
Two kids 5 and 2


Posts: 952 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NW
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been two months since divorce I'm a wreck. Should I date ???

Gently, honey - no. Dating is not a cure for what ails you, and if you are a wreck, you stand a very good chance of hurting some innocent person with your issues. Steer clear of dating right now.

Now is the time for self-care and self-discovery. Use self-care to help yourself heal from the D. Focus on you and your kids, establishing a new normal, and feeling out life as a single mom.

The adjustment takes time, but you really have to do it. You have to re-establish YOU before you can even begin to think about dating.

That doesn't mean you can't socialize - spend time with friends, try out new activities and hobbies, indulge your interests... Just please stay clear of all romantic entanglements until YOU are healed and whole, and are well beyond the "wreck" stage, ok? ((((hugs))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25726 | Registered: Aug 2011
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strawblond30, I started online dating the second The Princess and I separated, against the advice of everyone here. It sucked. After every single date, I came home in tears, angry that she had put me in this situation.

Now almost six months down the road, I've had the sense to just stop dating. I'm enjoying my hobbies (musician) and friends (mostly other musicians). I'm still mad that The Princess put me in this situation, but I'm even madder that she didn't do it sooner: Why did she have to wait 17 years before letting me realize what a piece of shit she is? Part of me still loves her, but she doesn't deserve it, so I'm rolling with mad at the moment.

I would love to be in love again, but have been looking back and noticed what my "type" is. All my past girlfriends have been similar to The Princess. I need some time off to figure out how to break type.

It sounds to me like you need this time as well. We're always taught that anger is a bad thing, but it's been helping me move on. I just hope I can let it go some day.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Jan 2013
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((strawblond))) It's so hard at this stage and so easy to slip into trying to fill that hole.

Please be good to yourself and take the time to heal before venturing out into dating.

It will pay off for you.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17493 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
mof2
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take your time and discover who "you" are. Your identity has been attached to this person for so long. It is a long healing process and remember HE did this to you. You are not at fault and deserve better. I know that you don't feel that way right now, but in the future you will realize that. Once a cheater...always a cheater. Let someone else take that on!


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 11:27 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mof2 -

Please review the guidelines and refrain from making generalizations.

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Thank you.


Posts: 35870 | Registered: Mar 2011
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you are hurting. The unfortunate answer is that it lasts as long as it lasts. There is no real time table. Time, yes, is a key element, but no one journey is the same.

As to the depression, we all understand. It comes from the death of the marriage and the hope that you've put into it all these years.

Everyone talks about self discovery and that is true. One of the things I would try to start to discover is why there is still love there from your end. Is it because he said he was sorry, now after the D? Gently, you say he's a serial cheater and is already out there dating so soon after D. Hes not begging or showing he will do whatever it takes to win you back. In fact, he seems quite manipulative and intent on giving you just enough crumbs that you may be a fall back one day. in time and maybe with the help of an IC, you may be able to realize that. It all comes from the knowledge that you deserve much better than a serial cheater.

As far as dating, no. It shouldn't even be a thought in your head right now. Broken cant attract healthy. You're a little broken right now and it's best to use this time to heal. Dating sounds like a decent idea in theory, but it's not a good idea in reality. Its a good bet that people who are hurting and feeling rejected will grab attention from anyone who will give it and ignore all sorts of red flags just to have the feeling of being wanted. Are you strong enough to pick with a rational head and not a broken heart? Are you strong enough to handle another rejection? When you can honestly answer yes to both of those questions, then you may be ready.

Look, I get that there is a strong need in the beginning to fill that awful void and just have life go back to the normal that we once knew. I get it. At the same time, you can't recreate the past and you're not ready to jump into another future, so what do you do? You learn about yourself now. You figure out what you like and need without anyone else's influence. You spend time with good friends and family who lift you up and make you laugh. You help others in their times of need. You find new interests or resurrect old ones. You learn how to be alone and to actually like it. That way, when another person comes along, you are all put back together and way more confident in what you want. Right now, just another body would probably be enough. You need to get to a place where just enough isn't good enough.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2840 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 8

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