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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: seeking clarity
Taurus517
♂ Member
Member # 37958
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello SI, it has been a while since I have posted something. Its been a roller coaster ride since the last time I have been on. I have been trying to make changes, in my eyes I am but BS doesnt see it, I know its anger and not believing in me anymore.
Ive had several self realizations lately by myself and the help of my BS. I have come realized I portrayed a good guy role due to my childhood issues. I showed the world what a good guy I am but when it came to my BS, I didnt. She got the anger, the frustration and all the negative stuff. I have realized what a selfish inconsiderate jackass I was and recent months I have been trying to get rid of that part of me.
Is it just me that seems like change cant come over night or is it just in the mind ?? I really want to fix the shit storm I created and I just keep thinking no matter what I do I keep messing it up or making it worst. I tell her what she wants to know she gets angry or I dont say anything she gets angry, so I do my usual thing I over think and that makes it worst too.
I see the hurt and I understand the emotions but its hard to see her this way because of what I did. I just want to know is how do I not mess up anymore. I try to take control of the situation and its not the best solution. I need help, I will try my best to get on more because I have been reading other WS situations and it helps. Getting back into the swing of things here on SI, so if this post doesnt make sense I'll do better next time.


Me: WS 31
A : 17 months
Her : BS/WS 26 (ShockedErica11)
A: 3 months
DD : 3
Relationship : 4
Married : 2
DDay : November 2012
Her DDay : June 2013

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chamblee
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see the hurt and I understand the emotions but its hard to see her this way because of what I did. I just want to know is how do I not mess up anymore.

You have to drop your defenses with her. Easier said than done, I know, but it's absolutely necessary.


Posts: 11605 | Registered: Mar 2008
MCJLM
♀ New Member
Member # 40283
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is actually my very first post on SI, although I've been reading on it for many many months. I, too, can relate to you, Taurus517. My full story is in my profile. I feel like I have come a long way, but in my spouse's eyes, its not enough. I can't say I blame him, as I still have recently made some poor decisions in regards to him and his safety where I thought I was making a sound one at the time. These are not affair related per se, social stuff, but in my world, everything is affair related because of this mess I've put us in.. It causes major setbacks and my spouse communicates that he does not feel safe with me and does not trust my decision making. So I do the same thing you do, start overthinking, and that takes me to places like putting too much of a focus on what I think my spouse should see in me that I've done, because in my eyes, I've done a hell of a lot. What I fail to see is that I stripped every sense of trust, self worth, confidence, security from this man who has never done a thing wrong. He still sees many parts of that evil person who did this to him. What I've done is ingrained in him forever and I have to remember the trauma I have brought to him and our lives can't just be wished away. I can't take his pain for him, but I can make sure that with every move I make, he is the first person I think of. I tend to take safety for granted because I'm comfortable in my boundaries and actions, NOW. But I have to remeber that for a long time, I did not respect boundaries whatsoever. So of course he isnt comfortable with me yet and his healing is ultimately the most important. So I have to operate in that way, and many times, I have failed.And I have to continue to work on myself. He said last night that I should take an inventory of myself. I appreciate that advice, I found it to be relevant. Anyways, I work at this every day and sometimes I succeed and others, I fail. I'm thankful my spouse is patient with me but fear one day enough will be enough. So I guess I'm writing this to say, I relate and am interested to see what kind of responses there are. The drop the defenses comment is interesting to me from ThoughtIKnewYa. Care to elaborate on that any more?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there....I am hoping you all would like a honest take from a RBS on this one. Just so you know, I am not stalking this forum. I have actually decided it was time for me to help my RWH unload some of the huge guilt, pain and shame he has for his action. I am not your typical BS.....I am a Long term affair and long term marriage BS. I have been recovering from the knowledge of my H's 4 year A.

I am not sure how far out some of you may be from Dday but I am almost at 1 year. I was horribly hurt by my H's A and the spiral I found my self in was uncontrollable. I suffered from 10 different PTSD symptoms, the worst being never ending movies in my brain, severe panic attacks and horribly life like nightmares. I was almost admitted to the psyc ward just for my own protection for a while but a massive dose of Anti D meds finally levelled out my depression and many of my PTSD symptoms.

I am sympathizing with all of your plights. The number one hardest thing for me to overcome was not the trust issue but the fact that I was not sure how to believe anything my husband said to me. In my discovery I found hundreds of texts and emails, pictures, receipts, dates and graphic details of most of the last 2 years of hubby's A . This is not from a man who has a sexual deviancy problem, this from a loving caring individual.

The meds really helped me get to a more positive place. What helped more though was my H's constant, never ending pursuit of helping me get better. For me it was the small things he started doing. Unloading the clean dishes from the dishwasher. Helping with dinner without asking. Making reservations for dinner and surprising me...cuddling me in the middle of the night when I awoke from one of my many nightmares. Take a look at the little things.....the things that say I want to help you, I am here for you.

The second most important thing he did for me was read. The best book we shared together was was " After the Affair, healing the pain and rebuilding the trust after a partner has been unfaithful" by Janis Abrahms. This book above all others was incredibly helpful to both of us. It is written to help both partners through this hell. I read it first and highlighted passages that pertained to me and us. I also made notes in the margin and asked questions when appropriate. Then he read it, read my comments and added his own. The fact that we did the reading on our own in private helped us to bridge the gap of hard Those hard to have conversations that hurt both of you in the beginning. At the start my WH's answers were Brief. But as he got into the book and he saw I was not attacking him nor was the book his answers became longer and more descriptive. Eventually we just started openly communicating about each item. It was a huge break through for us. The book is really well written and is not a how to in the usual sense. It is filled with clinical examples from over 30 years of dealing with infidelity.

The last was he stayed in IC.....I even invited him into some of my IC sessions so he could have a better look at what I was dealing with.

I have come far enough I this process to know remorse and true wanting to fix the broken. I saw this is each of your posts. One day I hope your spouses can come to the point I am now at and validate that you too have a huge mountain of pain to deal with and sort through.

Lastly...think of what might make your spouse feel safe and try and provide that. If you travel, give them your schedule, check in A LOT, send pictures so they know you are telling them the truth. If you entertain a lot for business text before you go to dinner, and text when you are done.....these small things start to create safety for your spouse. Right now they don't feel safe at all. They don't know what is real and what isn't.

My husband would also probably add that you should pay attention to triggers. Let them tell you about them immediately when they happen. My mind was so inventive that most of what I thought was real in the A was so far off base. The mind is a terrible thing. It takes your hurt spouses to terrible places without them being able to control it. If you can stop their minds you can slow down the pain.

I sure hope this helps.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 7:24 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The drop the defenses comment is interesting to me from ThoughtIKnewYa. Care to elaborate on that any more

IDK what TIKY meant, but as a wayward I'll say: it's not easy to sit and take it when someone is telling you that you're wrong and you hurt them.

Naturally when someone confronts us, we go on the defensive. It's human nature.

When she needs to vent at you, when she needs to be angry--don't get defensive. Don't take control. Listen, accept, and apologize.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1111 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Taurus517
♂ Member
Member # 37958
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThoughtIKnewYa : Thank You and my W has said that to me before as well. I realized I have my walls up and that has been the issue since the beginning of our relationship, I do agree it is easier said than done. Currently working on breaking it down. Thanks

MCJLM: Thank you for posting and I can also say I relate to how you feel.

These are not affair related per se, social stuff, but in my world, everything is affair related because of this mess I've put us in.. It causes major setbacks and my spouse communicates that he does not feel safe with me and does not trust my decision making.

I have learned that everyday waking up my W is living in a reality of triggers and I myself am the biggest trigger, I beat myself down and I despise myself for it. No matter what I do or say, its all my fault that this has happened.
What I fail to see is that I stripped every sense of trust, self worth, confidence, security from this man who has never done a thing wrong.He still sees many parts of that evil person who did this to him.

I agree as well, didnt realize it till it was to late.
I tend to take safety for granted because I'm comfortable in my boundaries and actions, NOW. But I have to remeber that for a long time, I did not respect boundaries whatsoever.

I never set boundaries for myself and I thought I did, I really messed up everything I did.

TxsT: Thank you for your insight, it does help because reading your response I know that I can do a lot more than what I am. I have started to do the little things as well but not consistence enough. One promise I know I didnt keep doing is reading to my W, started off strong and faded and made excuses when it stopped. I am starting back on it again and this time I will be more consistence on it. Thank You

20WrongsVs1:

When she needs to vent at you, when she needs to be angry--don't get defensive. Don't take control. Listen, accept, and apologize.

Yes I agree and it did take me a long time to get that. I have anger issues and having control of it has been my problem, lately I have been doing what I can to control it and maintain calm, still needs work though .


Me: WS 31
A : 17 months
Her : BS/WS 26 (ShockedErica11)
A: 3 months
DD : 3
Relationship : 4
Married : 2
DDay : November 2012
Her DDay : June 2013

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chamblee
Topic Posts: 6

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