Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: leftfordust (44208)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: self indulgence post 101
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’m kind of new to reading the NB posts so I may be wrong but there seems to be an ongoing obsession with dating. I’m not casting aspersions but just don’t understand why this is…especially considering how we all found our way here. I mean if they had a forum called “dating is hell and why do I go out”, I would understand. Especially since everyone seems so…well down about the whole thing. There seems to me to be so much more to new beginnings then whether or not my Friday night date will call back or text to discuss possible reception dinner flatware. Hey, downer crapola…enough already. However, the subject is interesting so let me dive on into the abyss and become a part of …drum roll…the dating discussion. It certainly seems to be the entrée and God knows I need to be accepted into the sisterhood, so I want to talk dating, I need to talk dating, oh my God dating …Pleeeeeaaaaase (insert stupid smiley icon)

I do like the company of women and have always enjoyed the difference. My only real purpose in dating at this point is just that, to have a date to meet and enjoy the energy of female company. For me, the fact that it is someone new makes it even more interesting. New energy, new perspectives, new stimulation…I am single now after all. However, I’m not looking for a mate, I’m not looking for easy sex, I’m just looking to enjoy the company of a female and have some interesting conversation and some fun. You know, sort of like when you were young and weren't worrying about “my God I hope this is the one cause I may be alone the rest of my life and die in some homeless shelter surrounded by cats.” Really not that complicated, or is it? Since men sometimes are generalized as everything useless and evil around here, I will risk going on with my nonsense with the hopes I am not misunderstood or worse, damned to playing some word game in F and G…not there is anything wrong with that.

The good news: I have not done the online dating but have had numerous dates in the 6 months since I have begun the “dating thing”. I have met some incredibly lovely and interesting women. They have their own lives and respect the fact that I have mine and it’s nice. You know, two adults having a fun evening getting to know one another without the expectation that eventually we will be doing joint underwear shopping. Overall, this has been just great and believe it or not…these lovely women who know that my underwear is sacred which makes the joint shopping thing …well, a real long shot at best…actually want to go out with me again. Good Lord, what the hell is wrong with them.

The bad news: Then there have been dates that…well… although interesting and memorable…I will save for another post as this may be too wordy and quite frankly I’m going to perhaps move into perhaps sensitive areas and I’m not prepared for the “unscramble the dirty word game” banishment at this time.
But whatever,…we are only here for a short time so for God’s sake...lighten the F up…it’s not all that serious…well at least I don’t think it is..but, what the hell do I know. TBC

PS not to worry, I promise not to keep posting every minute but I just arrived at a resort by myself…and it is fabulous and I have nothing else to do at the moment and it is just the way I wanted it to be. Life is good. Tomorrow I will be nowhere near SI or anything resembling technology. Gee, what will I do if she texts me…just kidding. ..sort of.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 495 | Registered: Jun 2011
meaniemouse
♀ Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think the obsession is with dating or with finding a new relationship? I totally get what you're talking about--at least I think I do. I have lots of female friends, married, widowed, single and divorced and we have lots of fun. But I'd also like a night out every so often just to have a male to talk to. Not to take a deposition as to whether he might make the list of possible long-term partners but just to go out and do something fun with no pressure.I like to listen to what they have to say about their work and sports and families and what they do for fun. This has been my attitude since I started this dating thing and I usually had to end it because the guy got too invested too early and simply wanted more than I was willing to bring to the table. Then people get their feelings hurt and that isn't fun for anyone.
I'm all for dating--not so much for a relationship--just a nice evening out, having fun where neither the guy or the woman gets stuck paying all the time. And maybe something comes out of it or maybe the two people are out and meet other people and that works out.

I'm all for people dating and having relationships if it works for them. The rest of us who are just looking for a fun night out so we can get back into some semblance of social life, well, heck--we belong in new beginnings too. Ours may not be as organized but they are real! RIGHT???

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 11:56 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2093 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't date. My NB consists of resuming and hopefully finishing a history degree.

My biggest squee of the past year has been getting top marks on my honours thesis about the state of the sewer system in England in the 1800s.

I love to talk shit. I have yet to find a man who can keep up. *yawn*

[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:58 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17103 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love to talk shit. I have yet to find a man who can keep up.

Amen to that!

If you read this forum regularly, you'll see that there are all kinds of new beginnings, many that don't include dating. (Case in point...)

It's great that you're out there dating and having fun, but don't disparage others who do want to meet a mate again. To each his own.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19768 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Overall, this has been just great and believe it or not…these lovely women who know that my underwear is sacred which makes the joint shopping thing …well, a real long shot at best…actually want to go out with me again. Good Lord, what the hell is wrong with them

Because they are in a different place than you. You are projecting onto them (I just want some fun! Why are you so serious???) , and they are projecting onto you (Maybe he can be changed and want a relationship!).

Bad combination.

Well, I am not new to NB's. I have no one else to discuss the pitfalls of dating IRL, so I come here for camaraderie and understanding.

My NB's has already consisted of moving to a new city, buying a house and a dog, making new friends, putting myself and kids into therapy, started school for myself and applied to graduate school, started my hobbies back up and doing new volunteer work.

Now I"m ready to date.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My NB initially consisted of getting a new job, learning a new language, and moving to a new country, and making new friends both IRL and on SI.

My current NB consists of navigating this new job, still learning this new language ha ha, a new partner of whom I'm rather enamored at the moment, and getting yelled at and threatened by US Customs and Border Protection on a regular basis. I wish that last clause was a joke, but sadly, no; thus, part of my NB is figuring out how to handle that.

My whole NB has been characterized by not only rebuilding my life, but reclaiming ME. Feeling good about who I am, my choices, not beating up on myself for my mistakes, address aspects of my personality that have dogged me, and proactively deal with stressors (like having a CBP officer threaten to pull his gun on me and shoot me).

It's true we talk about dating a lot. But much of it is blowing off steam b/c there are some rather interesting people in this world. I have noticed that people who post about dating *a lot* tend to start getting a lot of comments about focusing more on themselves and not so much on dating, so in that sense I rather disagree with your perspective.

I myself am generally suspect of people who date "just for fun". Unless you're either 20 or a politician who finds their energy from shaking a million hands a day, I can't imagine what's fun about multiple people/multiple dates a week. It's almost like you're being a bit defensive, trying to prove something to yourself or us or maybe even to your xWS. Idk what. Maybe it's "see, people do like me! Women do enjoy my company!" But fwiw, as a general rule, a laissez faire no strings attached attitude isn't necessarily going to attract loyalty minded women. It's going to attract the stupid ones who still think rising to challenge to convince a man that yes, he wants a commitment *now* AND with me. So my advice to you? Be careful Ask yourself why the wall and keeping people emotionally at arms length. And focus on other aspects of your NB too (and tell us about them, we're interested!).


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 2999 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got some PM's so I had to look...why did I look. Why oh why...I'm on vacation for God's sake... Ok, here we go.

It's almost like you're being a bit defensive, trying to prove something to yourself or us or maybe even to your xWS. Idk what. Maybe it's "see, people do like me! Women do enjoy my company!"

How true...this is why I bought the big fancy car and fancy clothes, so I could make up for all my deficiencies...if you know what I mean.

Maybe it's "see, people do like me! Women do enjoy my company!"

You got me there...my goal is to be the Sally Fields of NB

It's going to attract the stupid ones

Exactly...if they were smart why the hell would they go out with me.

I myself am generally suspect of people who date "just for fun".

Oh I don't know...I think I may have some other motivations but I can't think of any at the moment. I may be nonredeemable.

Because they are in a different place than you. You are projecting onto them (I just want some fun! Why are you so serious???) , and they are projecting onto you (Maybe he can be changed and want a relationship!).

I thought girls just wanted to have fun. Just a little joke there

t's great that you're out there dating and having fun, but don't disparage others who do want to meet a mate again.

I would never do so such a thing and if sounds disparaging I apologize...seriously on that one. My point is...well I forgot what it was so let me move on.

I can't imagine what's fun about multiple people/multiple dates a week.

I don't go around looking to date every woman I see. I don't have the time as I have a 15 year old daughter that is my life. In fact, if it wasn't for my friends fixing me up all the freaking time I would have a hell of a lot more time to watch breaking bad reruns and have a hell of a lot more money in my pocket.

So in summary with less sarcasm...I'm not trying to prove my manhood. I'm not trying to prove anything to my ex wife ...wow, I can't even believe I had to write that.
I'm not some asshole trying to see if I can get every woman I meet to go out and boost the ego of asurvivor.

Here is the deal. I just got out of a relationship as I assume so have many of you. At this point, I'm not feeling the need to be vetting everyone as the next Mrs. asurvivor. For me it just wouldn't be healthy right now and in fact don't know if It ever will. If you feel it's a smart thing for you that is fine. I just read these posts and some of them are so negative about the dating and men that I think having a little shake up where someone says...hey step back a little and take a look at what you are doing. I mean it appears to me to be a lot of the same. Is it working?...that's all. Blessings to all...I'm going back to the beach. The end



I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 495 | Registered: Jun 2011
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to have time to sing in a local choir; that's my NB!

I don't really live in a town where there's a huge singles community. Between my family-oriented homebase and my coupled-up workplace, there just aren't as many opportunities, so I'm just accepting those realities and going with the flow. I feel that if I can accept things as they are, I'll be more likely to relax if I do get the opportunity to date in the future.

I don't really want to "make" it happen; I just want it to happen naturally without any pressure. And if I'm single for the rest of my days, so be it. I've had a much more active social life as a singleton than I ever did as a married person, and I love my alone time. I'm not sure I could find a guy who could fit into that picture even if I did try my hardest!

Anyway, there are plenty of us who are just living life, rediscovering our old talents and/or finding new ones, who aren't waiting on someone's text or worrying about a date's mixed signals.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are a lot of people in NB who are at very different stages in their healing. I have been here 8 years (wow - do I need to get a life or what?)

Many of us have been through that desperation of trying to find another person to make us feel better about ourselves. It's a normal human emotion.

There are lots of different parts to NB - selling/buying homes, moving, new jobs, figuring out how to do the jobs around the house that our XS's used to do, and dating.

There are sometimes runs on dating posts where there will be a lot all at once. Maybe that's what you experienced. If dating isn't your thing, post about something else.

Some of us "oldtimers" hang around to counsel the newly single NBers - whether they like our advice or not!

I've been through the phases of never wanting to date, learning how to turn off my "I'm married" vibe, to being in a doomed rebound relationship with the wrong person, to taking a break from dating, to finding my SO, and now we're moving in together.

In between all the stuff involving the opposite sex I have: sold the marital home, moved 3 times in 8 years, bought my own home, learned to do my own fix-it work around the house, renewed old friendships, made new friendship, rediscovered some passions that had been locked away while raising my family, and found some new passions that I never dreamed I would have.

So it's not all about dating, even though it may sometimes seem that way. Enjoy your vacation and if you feel like sharing any of your NB stuff (dating or not), we welcome you!

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7638 | Registered: Aug 2005
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You got me there...my goal is to be the Sally Fields of NB


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13639 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read these posts and some of them are so negative about the dating and men

Wow. I respectfully disagree. I've not seen posts that indicate negativity towards all men. I've only seen posts that roll their eyes at a specific man with whom they had an unsuccessful date or some sort of disagreeable interaction with.

I also clearly hit a nerve with you and for that I apologize. I guess I was reacting to things like telling people here to lighten the fuck up. It felt like you were lecturing us all a bit ...

But I will admit I laughed out loud at your response when you mentioned Sally Field!

[This message edited by cayc at 6:14 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 2999 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.