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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do you handle P/T conferences
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex and I had a very good co-parenting relationship until he got serious with and eventually married his now wife. She is insanely insecure and convinced that my ex and I are going to get back together. She clearly does not trust him around me. Things have been much more uncomfortable since then.
My daughter starts kindergarten this week and so far new wife has insisted on being there for everything. I don't really want to do separate Parent Teacher Conferences as I feel my ex and I need to be a united front when it comes to our child's education whatever accomplishments and/or issues need addressing. I'm sure new wife will want to be there and I'm ok with that up until the point where she starts talking. Maybe I'm being irrational, but she has not done a great job with her older children (all medicated and under psychiatric care for issues stemming from her first marriage and poor parenting), and I do not think she has a right to say anything about my child's education. Period.
Anybody have advice, ideas, stories? I'm even open to hearing reasons why I shouldn't shut her down the instant she starts to open her mouth.

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Jan 2013
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are ok with her being there then I think that her "input" would be anecdotal. She might observe things in the other household that could be helpful.

As for confidential type scores and testing, grades, you could ask her to step out of the room?

As a teacher, there are all kinds of adults present in the lives of children. If they are interested enough to come to conferences at school, that is usually a good thing.

Perhaps the new wife could take dd on a walk if the conference ran long or she got antsy?

I base all of this on the fact that you stated you weren't against her being there and that the coparenting relationship is described as positive.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5864 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe she comes out of interest. I honestly believe she comes so she can watch my ex and I interact. He is not allowed to come into my house without her permission when he drops off and I am not allowed to walk my daughter to the door at his house (someone meets me at my vehicle). And, though she may have some anectdotal input, my ex is a stay at home. New wife works nights and sleeps days. When she is on shift, dinner before she goes to work is the only time she sees any of their combined 5 children.

My issue, I guess, is that she constantly emanates an air of superiority over everyone in every situation (and has since we were in high school). Since I am the mother and a teacher (currently staying home with my babies, but the education and experience are there), I am really irritated by even the prospect of her taking this attitude. As a quick example, when we were trying to figure out who needed to fill out the free and reduced lunch forms, her response was, 'Oh, well, I am SURE we won't qualify and there's a MUCH better chance she will if YOU fill it out'. (Caps added to show her emphasis)

[This message edited by musiclovingmom at 8:15 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1114 | Registered: Jan 2013
tryingagain74
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Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She can voice her opinions all she wants, but she has no legal role in your child's life. Is there any way that you could discuss this with your ex ahead of time-- like let her talk if she wants to, but ultimately, we're going to decide what's best for our child? Or is your ex really swayed by what she says, and you'd end up arguing with him if he sided with her?

It would help to know that dynamic-- if your ex is assertive around her, and you can count on him to help you with solid decision-making, I'd let her spout her little head off if it makes her feel better. But if you think that he'll just say, "Yeah, what Now-Wife says," then maybe you should have separate conferences to keep things civil.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Oct 2011
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is not assertive with her. He has some pretty severe anger management issues and his way of 'coping' is to cave to her every whim (example - he quit a high paying jobs for his education level to stay home and facilitate her oldest child's home schooling).
I probably will talk to him before. I just need to find something to say that is more productive than 'if your wife opens her fat mouth during conferences, she will find herself eating my size 9's'.
I'd like to de separate conferences only as a last resort. Mainly because I want to make sure he and I agree, face to face, on how to handle certain things.

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Jan 2013
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since this is the start of kindergarten, you are setting the precedent for the rest of her school years. I say you just lay down the law now...her education is your and your XH's business ONLY. You would like to only do one conference to show a united front for your child, but the only ones allowed at her conferences are you and your xh. Put the ball in his court, and address it before the first conference. Once you let her go to one, it would be a lot harder to say she can't come to future ones. Forget that she doesn't trust your XH around you. That's not your problem. You are only doing what you need to do for your child. Since you know she's an opinionated twit that won't be able to to not add her two cents, I say nip it in the bud now, so you don't have to try and change it later.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5541 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New wife works nights and sleeps days

schedule the conferences at the MOST inconvenient time possible.

Failing that, let the twit talk. Thank her for her input, and ignore every word she says.

Talk in the teacher code, of IEP, PEP, NCLB, dibbles, essential standards, word walls, site words, expected growth, and leave her out of the conversation altogether.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5864 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Topic Posts: 7

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