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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS doesn't feel I've done the work
3xloser
♂ Member
Member # 34735
Stop  Posted: 6:20 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all. It's been quite a long time since I've posted anything. For those who don't know my story, I'll give a quick overview: After A #3 my wife kicked me out. At that time I resolved to make changes and get back into my home with my W and 2 kids. I saw both a therapist and a psychiatrist for several months and felt I was making progress. Unfortunately, I was window dressing. All of my changes were cosmetic in that I started abusing drugs while away from home. I think part of it was self-flagellation, part of it was numbing myself from what I had done and part of it was swapping one form of addiction, The A, for another, drugs. After a few months of being out of the house, my wife allowed me to return home. I was thrilled but I couldn't or didn't want to quit using drugs. It didn't take long until I was found out. I quit using without going to rehab and set out to figure out a meaningful way to understand why I kept falling into negative patterns. I read a lot of books ranging in topics from depression, to meditation, to buddhism. I began exercising and meditating and felt better as a result. I even started watching "Super Soul Sunday" on OWN to try to get a better sense of how I might fill the God-sized hole in my spirit in ways that weren't self-destructive. I am on medication for depression and anxiety which seems to help. My wife contends that I haven't done the work as I was supposed to be healing myself prior to returning home. I completely understand her point of view and I wouldn't dispute that she is correct that prior to my return home, the work I had done was at best tainted by drug use and at worst, complete bullspit and an act I put on in order to get back with my family. The problem I have now is convincing her that while she is correct that my efforts to change while away from home were bogus, now that I am back, I have been trying to do things that I know are good for me for my own sake and for the sakes of my loved ones. I don't really know what I want from this post. Maybe some advice. Maybe to have it pointed out to me how I'm full of crap. Maybe both. Thoughts?

Posts: 139 | Registered: Feb 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem I have now is convincing her that while she is correct that my efforts to change while away from home were bogus, now that I am back, I have been trying to do things that I know are good for me for my own sake and for the sakes of my loved ones.
You do realize how bogus that sounds right? She kicked you out, probably hoping that it would be your lowest. Instead you dropped OW and picked up drugs. And now that you've got your foot back in the door, she's just supposed to believe that everything is hunky dory? That you really are changed "this time"?

I think you know the answer to this one 3x. Time. Loooots of it. Time and consistent action that you're "for real this time". She gets to sit and watch you and see if your actions are following what your mouth is saying.

You're a good talker. Shoot, most WS are. I was too. I talked for 8 1/2 years. It's time to put your money where your mouth is. Actions Dude. Actions and time.

How's sobriety going? You back in IC?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6327 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
3xloser
♂ Member
Member # 34735
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah. I realize how full if crap all if this sounds. I've been back home for about a year now. I don't expect things to be hunky dory overnight. I expect my BS to have a very hard time with trust. Still seeing psychiatrist. Sobriety is going well. Actually not that hard to maintain. Difficulty was quitting cold turkey. Just needed the right motivation. Losing my family forever was pretty good incentive. And yes, I am a good talker. I think that only adds to my W's inability to trust me because in the past I've looked her straight in the eye and lied my ass off. I realize it will take a long time and lots of consistency.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Feb 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that only adds to my W's inability to trust me because in the past I've looked her straight in the eye and lied my ass off.

Yep. The lies are a killer. I told some whoppers.

Healing is a long journey. Just keep walkin'.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6327 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really know what I want from this post. Maybe some advice. Maybe to have it pointed out to me how I'm full of crap. Maybe both. Thoughts?

Thoughts. Where to begin. Well, Aubrie did a pretty thorough job of that.

Sobriety is going well. Actually not that hard to maintain.

I've been clean and sober for nearly 19 years now, and I have observed a lot of folks (many now deceased, or just...poof... disappeared) who said things along the lines of your words above. Glad you're sober. Glad you feel its going well. And may I respectfully and imho suggest if the seas of sobriety are dead calm and feeling easy, to grab your telescope and carefully scan the horizon. You WILL find something heading your way...guaran-effing-teed...that IS hard. Very. If not, then you're a lucky one. A one-in-a-million one.

Mini t/j:

I am on medication for depression and anxiety which seems to help.

Early in my sobriety I had meds suggested to me. I found a different IC. As someone who abused illegal substances, and alcohol, I knew I could never NOT abuse prescribed pills. They scared the hell out of me. I mention this just an aside, and am not suggesting anything related to your experience in this regard which is between you and your medical professionals.

After one major surgery a decade ago, I was handed a jar the size of a football, filled with morphine derived pain meds, on the way out of the hospital. My pain was rather acute, so I handed them to my wife, told her to take three out, and destroy the rest. I asked for one in the middle of the first night. And never used the other two. My surgeons KNEW my chemical dependency history, and STILL sent me on my merry way with a near lifetime supply of goodies. After another surgery (oh, I've got scars...) a few years later...same thing. Goodies galore. Took not one of the peanut M&M sized feel good pellets. Because, you know, if ONE makes you feel good...then THREE might really make you feel really good...and washed down with a vodka tonic to activate them...well...definitely the pain stands no chance, at least until it comes back...
End t/j


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
3xloser
♂ Member
Member # 34735
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate the message to proceed with caution. I don't want to seem cavalier about my addiction issue. I'm sure I'll never be out of the woods. The point I was trying to make was that I was highly motivated to get clean. I would be thrilled to get off all medication. For the time being I feel like it helps me keep myself together. At the risk of sounding sorry for myself, I have PTSD as a result of time spent in Iraq. I think a lot of my acting out has stemmed from this. Anger, guilt, shame. I think I just want to run away. Not making excuses. My choices are my own. My mistakes are my own. Just giving background info as to why I'm reluctant to get off psych meds. At least not yet.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 6

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