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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why this is so hard
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't normally post on this page. I don't think I'm really ready or made enough progress. But my wife had me read your post and it was amazing. Your words have touched her and me. So much damage done. I know my wife feels the same way. I have taken everything from her and treated it like it was worthless. WS generally put more worth on themselves and their AP. So its no surprise that we take all sense of worth from our BSs. I hope you and your WS can make some strong strides to getting better.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Aug 2012
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I don't think he will ever truly understand the depth of my pain and suffering because it didn't happen to him. And even if it did, I think men process things differently.

He had a RELATIONSHIP with another woman. That feels as if something was stolen from me, given to another, and he was the uncaring thief.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because he gave them so indiscriminately to another woman, they now don't have the value for me that they used to have

This is exactly it.
His actions devalued every single thing he'd ever given you, done for you and had with you.
I get it.
I GET IT!
His response made me want to vomit. His sweetheart? He gave her up? WTF? FTG.
It's a simple equation of value versus cost.
The value of the affair was worth more to him that what it would cost YOU.
I am so sorry that he even replied...no response would have been better than that.
I did edit this and send it to my WS as well.
He said he realized he'd done all that and that he'd been thinking about all those things a lot. He obviously didn't think about them during the affair.
It's so many of the little things that add up.
He's always loved my feet and he told me yesterday when he was looking at my toes "So much of who we are is right here." and he pointed at my toes. I said "I understand that." And I am the ONLY PERSON ON EARTH WHO WOULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND THAT STILL WASNT ENOUGH.
Heartbreaking. Simply and totally avoidable and heartbreaking.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a big part of it for me, also, is that with each little thing he gave her, he was taking that same thing FROM me. So now, I'm empty. I don't have the connection to his love anymore, to his laughter anymore, to his companionship anymore, because he gave it all away and left me with only a void. I don't know if it can be filled back up again but if it can, it feels like it will take forever.

I don't think he will be able to watch my unhappiness for as long as it will be here. After all, his happiness has always come first.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jul 2013
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took your list (hope that is ok, it was just so powerful!) and modified it for our situation. I worked on it for a very long time. I just sent it to him, his response is below. Just proves that nothing they say will help or fix what they have taken from us.

"This is tough to readÖ..You donít think about those things and what youíre doing to your wife when youíre acting like a total piece of sh*t. Iím so sorry"


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oldcow, you are so fortunate to have him get so close to understanding. I wish mine understood better.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jul 2013
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also GAVE her up for my sweetheart. YOU.

I wish he hadn't added this part. I hate that WS's feel like they're giving something up when they stop the A. He's not losing anything he shouldn't have had in the first place.

Sadly, I imagine my WH's response would be similar.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think he will be able to watch my unhappiness for as long as it will be here. After all, his happiness has always come first.

^^This is why I am hesitant to try R again.
Is he strong enough? He wasn't strong enough to not have an affair...


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Twentyplus
♀ New Member
Member # 39593
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, that brought me to my knees and I thought I'd moved out of that position. He's going to read this thread, yep.

Sorry u hurt & I "get" every word.


"But we must supply our own light." - Stanley Kubrick


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Big Blue Sea
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to use some of this for my disclosure statement to my SAWH for MC that I'm currently writing (since SAWH is supposed to be writing one for his treatment, I am going to write one for mine - MC's idea).

Here is what I think has to be part of the story: SAWH is the most lazy, self centered, clueless, tuned out person I know. He always was but used to be so in an innocent, endearing way. Since he found success in his career a few years ago, he's been an internal rage against the world has formed within him. I have to believe the OW saw some of that over the 2.5+ years they were together. And obviously, the OW is pretty self centered as well.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 812 | Registered: Jun 2013
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a big part of it for me, also, is that with each little thing he gave her, he was taking that same thing FROM me. So now, I'm empty. I don't know if it can be filled back up again but if it can, it feels like it will take forever.

I don't think he will be able to watch my unhappiness for as long as it will be here. After all, his happiness has always come first.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Sad, for this. I want to punch your WH and hug you.

Thank you for saying that so well. Like everyone else said, we understand you. We all feel exactly where you're coming from. And we're all mourning the loss with you.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Apr 2013
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so very much for this. I've re-read it four times in the last ten minutes. It is just so simply perfect. I have to go look in the mirror and puke now, but please know that this is a very poignant post for at least one WH. Thank you so much


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
startingover62
♂ New Member
Member # 39804
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for such an amazingly vivid emotional portrait.

This kicked me further down the road of empathy. I have tears rolling down my face, because what I gave away was mostly identical.

As a FWH I recognize the fog and narcissistic acting out of your WH.

I suggest you ask him to work on himself if he is to deserve you. Maybe you can get to a "new day", but he will have to figure out how he got to a place of that kind of sorry ass entitlement first.

You moved me. Thanks.

SO


fWH 63, BS 63 (Twentyplus)

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013
disillusioned12
♀ Member
Member # 37542
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This brought tears to my eyes. Beautifully written and heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing.


BS (Me)
WS (STBXH)
Married 2 yrs; Together 6 yrs

D-Day 11/14/12
EA(PA?)
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold


Posts: 228 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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