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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do I talk to my DS? See my previous topic (separated a week)
overcoming2003
♀ Member
Member # 30862
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


There is actual an UPDATE to this. After work yesterday, DS told me, "I called dad." My response was, good for you!

10yo DS said, "yeah...he told me how sick he is and that he was in the hospital and that he had a stroke from sleeping in his car. He had the stroke the day that he left our house and has been in the hospital since that time."

Me: OK

DS continued...he said that he won't be able to come to any of my Football games until he can find a place to stay and get better.

My response to DS..."you know he's lying right?! He called me that night to see if we got everything moved. He was fine...remember?! He called me the next morning and you talked to him on the phone. He wasn't in the hospital. Remember?!"


I explained to DS that I offered to pay rent and security deposit so that he wouldn't be outside. He chose not to take anything from me. He was hoping that I would just say, come and stay with us, but it isn't good for us.

DS...well he was probably in there but didn't say anything because he didn't want you to think he wanted something from him! He is trying to be a man!

I told DS...OK. I can see you are being defensive about your dad. I don't mean any harm. Let's drop the conversation.

I feel like he is trying to manipulate DS...

What is wrong with this picture?! Is it me?


Posts: 314 | Registered: Jan 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't let DS be in the middle of this. WS put him there with the nonsense he dropped on him, but you need to take him out of that role.

10yo DS said, "yeah...he told me how sick he is and that he was in the hospital and that he had a stroke from sleeping in his car. He had the stroke the day that he left our house and has been in the hospital since that time."

Me: OK

DS continued...he said that he won't be able to come to any of my Football games until he can find a place to stay and get better.

At this point, I would just say, "Ok."

Be really careful about how you present things. He doesn't need to know ANYTHING about what you offered or what WS refused, and he shouldn't hear you calling WS a liar. None of that should be resting on his head. Period.

If he asked about it, you could say, "He called us that night, and he sounded fine, and then he called again the next morning and didn't mention it." But I wouldn't say, "He's lying." I think that puts DS in the awful position of feeling like he has to defend his dad.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25073 | Registered: Aug 2011
overcoming2003
♀ Member
Member # 30862
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nowiknow23...you are 100% correct. Once I realized what I was doing. I stopped the conversation.

However, I don't want him using DS to manipulate the situation either. Him not having a place to stay has nothing to do with Football. He has a car and a job and therefore gas money. What does one have to do with the other?

You are right. I will watch what I say.


Posts: 314 | Registered: Jan 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with NIK, but to hopefully make you feel better, just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one to respond that way as I've caught myself doing it..

I think it's complete bull that they tell the kids a lie, then we are put in the position of correcting the lie (hence involving them further in something they shouldn't be worried about or thinking about in the first place) or letting the lie carry on (hence letting them think WE are doing something wrong).

As I've said many times before, I'm tired of worrying about how I respond to his f*cked up sh*t. Why can't someone just stop him from doing f*cked up sh*t???

I really feel like I'm getting to "meh" when it comes to crap he pulls on me, but man do my claws wanna come out when he involves the kids..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Mandilwen
♀ Member
Member # 27186
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am REALLY big on logic puzzles and use every chance I get to show my kids how we use logic. It also shows me how their logic is working. That convo would have been perfect opportunity!

DS: dad said blah, blah, stroke from sleeping in car, blah, blah the night he left.

Me: so, dad said he had a stroke from sleeping in the car, yet has been in the hospital since the day he left. Doesn't make any sense to me, how do you figure that could happen if he wasn't in the car that long?

Of course I would say things like that in a curious tone, lol. This always leads us to a convo about possible scenarios, the likelihood of a certain scenario happening, etc...In the end, no one has to get defensive cause we were only listing possibilities, I didn't bad talk the dad, and the wheels start turning in the young brain. It's a neat way to see how their brains piece things together. Everyone has their own logic, but there are some basics, lol.

My older son asked me awhile ago how I could tell when his dad was lying. I told him I listen to the words and think. In reality it's whenever his lips are moving, but I didn't think he'd get the joke, lol!


BS-34; WXH-32; DS8; DS3; OC3
DDay: SEPT 2008
Divorced: JUNE 2010

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Indy
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, honey - I hope I didn't come off as chastising you! This shit sucks. Full stop. And it's a moment by moment, sentence by sentence test of our strength and cleverness to stay on the right side for our kids and yet arm them with the skills to watch out for their own selves in these treacherous waters as well.

((((overcoming)))) You are doing JUST FINE.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25073 | Registered: Aug 2011
ideservebetter45
♀ Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious..I know I will probably get blasted for this..But why cant our children know the truth..that our walk away spouses have no morals and yes they lie.I have such a hard time telling my daughter she should respect a man for lying,cheating and leaving us just because he is her father????

Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't let blatant lies from STBX go unchallenged. He told our kids that his present serious health conditions are my fault due to the divorce. I worked with our family counselor to help dispel that poison.

It is vital that we not let outrageous lies & accusations go unchallenged. We must not let our children live in the light of deception. Otherwise we will lose them. It is possible to speak the truth without trash-talking & running down your WS.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ideservebetter45
♀ Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I get that nature girl.. thanks!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree 100% with NG.

It is vital that we not let outrageous lies & accusations go unchallenged. We must not let our children live in the light of deception. Otherwise we will lose them. It is possible to speak the truth without trash-talking & running down your WS.

OP, aside from the "your dad is a liar" bit, I don't think you were wrong to say what you did.

From what I've seen in my own boys, I think sometimes kids are more than willing to accept as gospel truth whatever the absent parent says. I firmly believe it's up to us to guide them towards what's right...and unfortunately, sometimes the truth hurts.

(((overcoming2003 & DS)))


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
overcoming2003
♀ Member
Member # 30862
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These are all very valid points. I don't want my husband to get away with just saying anything to our son. Our son is okay with it. However, I will take your advice and make it more of an inquiry rather than my opinion.

NIK, I didn't think that you were chastising me, but I do welcome the truth. I don't want to be lost in this situation. This is my first time dealing with this type of situation. I want to do it as graciously, correct and positive as I know how. I want my son and I to be healthy individuals despite it all. I accept your advice. Thank you for that.

I am trying to check in with DS every few days to see where his emotions are. He seems to be doing just fine. I asked him this morning, "so how are you doing with the separation?"

His response was, "just fine. Believe it or not, I am happier. I worry about dad, because of the car thing, but I am doing fine. I would rather us just live alone like we are. I love our new place and I love my life now."

I didn't ask any additional questions. But glad to know that he is fine.


Posts: 314 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 11

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