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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need Advice...Leaving Town with DS
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I broke my 180 but I'm glad I did. WS has no intention of coming home. All of the calmness and civility has just been that. I stupidly thought he was going to wise up and come back. He isn't. I broke my 180 and confronted him on Monday morning after another long weekend of me and DS being alone.

He was very defensive...like I was pestering him. My basic message was, it's been almost 6 months..you aren't coming back are you? He acted hostile towards me and eventually it came down to him saying, "Get Smart, we aren't going to be together!"

Truthfully, I had wanted to leave in March right after DDay. I had the moving boxes ready, a Uhaul truck, and a storage unit. My parents live 3 hours away. I was on maternity leave at the time. I panicked at the last minute and ended up staying. I went back to work full time. I drop the baby off at my MIL's (who we pay to babysit) and WS brings him home every night. This has made my healing and moving on very difficult and I've been stuck in this place...trying to move on, do my 180, and somehow believing that WS was coming back.

Apparently I was just making his life more convenient. He had no intention of coming back. So I guess I just needed to hear or see that for myself one last time. So I'm glad I broke 180. He just wasn't ever going to have the balls to divorce me which is the kind thing to do. Why keep me and baby in Limbo like that?

Anyway, I'm fueled by anger now. I want to get an attorney, but more importantly I want to move in October when my lease is up. I want to move in with my parents who are retired. They will watch DS for free while I get my divorce and start a new life.

What is your advice? How do I proceed? I'm going to start by going see a couple of attorneys on Friday.

I did tell WS that I have no reason to stay in town. He immediately started to scramble...even though his main interaction with our son is just picking him up and dropping him off during the week, he is panicking that I'm going to try and take his son away from him. I don't have that desire. I realize that leaving will make things harder for him, but I don't care. Staying has made things harder for me and convenient for him.

So...any advice. If I quit my job and move will that be an issue? Also, I I plan on getting a job as soon as I can, but this is really a relocation plan for me to save my mental health. I think Florida is a no fault state, but will his A factor into any of this. I've also never kept his son away from him. I haven't documented anything, but I have always been very gracious towards him about seeing his son.

I have no interest in keeping them apart, I just need to do what is right for me. He is panicking and has even said, "I'll come back, just don't take my son." I replied, "I'm not strong arming you into coming back. That's silly. I just need to go be around people who love me and care about me."

Anyway...I should have left in March right after DDay. At least I can tell my son I tried everything possible under the sun to reconcile.

If I stay here, I'm surrounded by his family and dependent on his family. We spend every night home alone. That isn't the life I wanted for me and my son. I didn't sign up to be someone's baby mama. I'm a college educated woman with a lot going for me. There is no reason for me to struggle so hard and do everything on my own when I have a family that cares for me and can help me.

Any advice folks?

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:51 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice is consult an attorney before you make plans to leave. They can tell you what the legal ramifications are.

Protect yourself financially, physically, and emotionally.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4818 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely talk to a lawyer first. Is your parents and where you are now in the same state? I know from others here that moving states can be a problem in the custody agreement, which leads me to believe if nothing is filed yet, you might be better off moving first, then waiting the required amount of time to make it your legal residence before filing. Speak to a lawyer.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5359 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will speak to a lawyer on Friday. My family lives 3 hours away in the same state.

Now he is panicking and asked me, wait for it.....

"What would you do to make this marriage work because it wasn't working before?"

I replied that he has it all wrong. He is the one who screwed it up. I know he is just throwing me another crumb. Now he says he doesn't necessarily want a divorce. It's really ridiculous. He just wants us to live in a house and be there for him when he wants us.

I told him that he would have to go see a counselor at least 6 times and start coming up with reasons why he had his A that don't have to do with blaming me. I said I doubt he would do it anyway.

I'm still making my plans and going to see a Lawyer. It's been almost 6 months. It's a joke at this point. I wish he were the type that would snap out of it...but it's ridiculous. Yesterday he was saying, "Get smart, we aren't going to be together."

Well I'm taking his advice and getting smart about my future.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 11:26 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now is the time to go back to the 180. See a lawyer, send that info to your STBX, and tell him that other than child care arrangements and financials, you have nothing further to say to him except through your lawyer.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4547 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He may very well be able to stop you from moving. Move first, then file for D where you move. MY XWH#1 made it where I could not move except over one county away. It is also a no fault state and they could have cared less about what he was doing. I had to give him half of everything and almost had to pay SS becuase he was lazy and didn't work. See an attorney as soon as possible and go NC with your WS. Hopefully he remains an idiot until you have already moved.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
doggiemom12
Member
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See a lawyer ASAP. Take half the money and put it into an account only you can access. Get him off any joint credit cards. Change the locks if you can and kick him to the curb. Everything goes through your lawyer. Get temporary visitation and support orders.

You need to take care of business now. He is only throwing you these crumbs because he wants to cake eat. Close the bakery.

His life as he knows it is over.


White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you! We have spent the day going back and forth in text. I swear we are having the same conversation we've had a million times in a million ways.

He says: he tried, we can't get along, he should have done X, Y, Z but he didn't and now he cannot undo what has been done. He cares for us more than I know. He was selfish and he should have said yes more when I asked him to do stuff with me and the baby. He did not try to replace me with OW and he hasn't seen or spoken to her in months. My favorite: it's not that there is something wrong with just you..it's us. We just can't get along.

Please bring on the 2x4's because he really had me again. I was apologizing again for the mistakes I made in the marriage prior to his A. Can you believe that? I've been on this site for months and even talked to other people and given them advice about this very same thing, but here I was today...apologizing. Trying to rationalize things so he could come back. What is wrong with me?

I'm just so upset that we bring this baby into the world and the best he can do is to be an every other weekend dad and he is ok with that. I shouldn't have broken 180 but I did and I got to say a lot of things I needed to say...even though none of it matters. I've essentially said that his "every other weekend" custody schedule is not why I brought this child into the world and that I had made everything so convenient for him and I'm done doing that. I asked him how he turned out like this when his brothers are all family men. I've told him again and again and again that he has turned his back on us, emotionally abandoned us, and I'm not going to stay in town so he can saunter in and out every other weekend like we don't matter to him. I know I'm hurt, but it's the truth. Can anyone blame me? Who up and leaves a new mother and new baby and then acts like they are father of the year because you pick him up and drop him off? Every other weekend is so ridiculous...who dreams of a life like this for their newborn?

It's disgusting is what it is. You guys are right and I'm glad I posted here today. I wasn't entirely sure that I should leave my job and leave town, but I can see myself here doing this forever. He isn't coming back and his texts are just manipulations to get me to calm down and not leave. Yesterday he could care less that I was upset...as soon as I said today that I'm moving back to my parents when the lease is up...oh boy did he take notice. Gone was the angry asshole of yesterday and all of a sudden he was Mr. Nice guy. Mr I've tried everything but we just end up screaming at each other.

Thank you...please bring on the 2x4's. If I've ever needed them, I need them now.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:41 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad you are consulting with L on Friday. You definitely want to consult before doing anything. You do not have any court order preventing you from moving now and you are a legal parent so you can legally move now. But you have to take into consideration how the courts in your jurisdiction will react to that. The L's in your area will know that. Some courts may take offense and award him more custody or force you to do all of the traveling for visitation, some courts may not care. and if WH gets a L and files for temp orders then you may get in trouble with the court if your move. So consult first.

Definitely go NC with WH again. Let him think that you said that you plan to move out of anger and frustration. Play him, just like he played you during his A. Deny, deflect, and confuse. Consult the L and make your plans, then execute the plans, and THEN inform him what is what.

Good luck and (((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just stop talking to him. It confuses you, because you want to believe the best of him.

Focus inward, and take care of yourself.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7409 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Definitely go NC with WH again. Let him think that you said that you plan to move out of anger and frustration. Play him, just like he played you during his A. Deny, deflect, and confuse. Consult the L and make your plans, then execute the plans, and THEN inform him what is what.

^^^ This.

Please please please NC and stop texting him back. As you say, there is no new info being exchanged here. You're getting a rise out of him and, to some extent, that must make you feel good as if you have some control... But it's all false. He just doesn't want his life to change. It doesn't have to do with his feelings for you.

Didn't you post a few days ago that he says "love you guys" when he drops DS off and you didn't understand why? Well, now look. You break 180 and what do you get? "Get smart... It ain't happening."

That response tells me two things:

1) he is seeing you as vulnerable and needy... And his hostility says he doesn't want you clinging to him

2) all things being equal, he still doesn't want to change anything about himself in the relationship.

He only suggests R when he faces loss (of DS). He doesn't care about your loss.

((Hugs))


BS / D

Posts: 857 | Registered: Jun 2013
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! You are correct. I went nuts for two days. Completely insane. I have lived and breathed this communication for two days. I just went on and on and on. I didn't just break 180...I broke a fucking texting record. My God....I went bat shit on him. Just pummeled him!

I guess if I'm going to go out I went out like a bang. But the good news is I'm getting a divorce. It's just the only thing that is going to help me "get smart!"

About the Love you guy's thing...I told him to stop saying it. I told him a plethora of things that made me feel good but just solidified his saying that we don't get along. I just need to get back on 180/NC and take the necessary steps for me and my son. In a way I'm sad that I gave him so many chances, but I also did what I had to do for my DS.

Every time something like this happens it pushes me further down the road I need to go. Maybe I'm just different. I've always given people chances and have felt like a doormat at times. But in actuality I've ended up being stronger than I ever knew I could be. To see what I've gone through and where I've come from in the last six months. I can't say I have any regrets. I probably should have moved in March but with a newborn, I did what was right for me.

Well folks, that right there is how you move out of limbo to good ole fashioned Divorce. Me and baby will just have to figure our way through it. We've done fine so far.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And let me reiterate..... NC, NC, NC!!!! That was just a note to myself.

And how bout a big FTG!!! For reals!! Who walks out on a gorgeous wife and beautiful baby? A big stupid loser. I must have really pumped up his ego in the last two days. I gave him so much power! Ugh!


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

Has he been solely an EOW dad? Documented?

Having to move home to family support is a consequence of being abandoned by a husband/new father. Present it that way. Moving allows you to be independent.

Are you willing to meet him halfway for drop offs? That might be a consequence. A consult with a lawyer will really help here.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5569 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Topic Posts: 14

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