My WH and I had some wonderful times during his A's. We went to Hawaii, had a blast, he cried after our DS1 was born...on and on. Turns out, two weeks after we got back from Hawaii, he was in Thailand and had sex with at least 3 hookers. Six months after DS1 was born, yep, back in Thailand with at least 4 hookers. It blows my mind.
I also have a need to understand everything. I just keep thinking if I can figure out why and how he did this then everything will be better. Unfortunately there are no answers.
"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington
I think we are trying to make sense of something that defeats logic... But yet we need to understand it, we are driven to keep scratching, hoping that somehow it will suddenly all make sense...it's a hideous situation to be in.
I asked him again tonight. He doesn't understand it either.
This has been one of the hardest things for me. WH told me early on, "Look, if you are trying to make sense of this, you never will. None of it made any sense." And since then there are times when we talk about things that he will just shake his head at himself. Sounds like a blow off, but at this point I believe him. He was a mess and behaved irrationally. And there's probably no explaining something that had it's basis in irrationality.
But still sometimes I try. Humans want the world to make sense. And this was just senseless. Blah.
Dameia - the birh of our first child, our engagement and all our wedding planning happened while he was involved in multiple affairs. So many, many happy moments that I now question the authenticity of.
Itsa - this. So much this.
I think we are trying to make sense of something that defeats logic