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Newest Member: Elizablue (43208)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Telling the parents
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW decided to tell her parents about what she did. I've decided that, since we are in R and the future looks positive, I am NOT going to tell my own parents. I don't want them to turn cold on her. That would affect their relationship with her and by proxy my kids and even me. I'd rather they don't know and continue to think the world of her.

One problem with this is because the OM is me (now ex) best-friend of 30 years. As a result, my parents sometimes refer to things that happened in our childhood together. Sometimes they ask me about him, and recently on 2 or 3 occasions they suggested he come help me with stuff like moving furniture. I find that aspect difficult because I'd rather they don't know but at the same time I have to put up with them talking about him.

So I'm curious, does anyone have any stories of their own as far as telling their parents and how it turned out?


D-Day: 22 Dec 2013
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I don't because we chose not to tell our parents.

I wonder how much detail your parents would require? "Folks, I don't feel comfortable going into detail, but you need to know that Mr. X and I have had a falling out. I no longer consider him a friend and we have no contact with one another. This is a good, healthy choice for me. He isn't the man I thought he was. And I hope out of respect for me, you can honor my desire not to be in contact with him or hear about him."

And just leave it there. ???


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5861 | Registered: Jan 2011
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Folks, I don't feel comfortable going into detail, but you need to know that Mr. X and I have had a falling out. I no longer consider him a friend and we have no contact with one another. This is a good, healthy choice for me. He isn't the man I thought he was. And I hope out of respect for me, you can honor my desire not to be in contact with him or hear about him."

That's pretty much what I might end up doing. I was thinking about being a bit more blunt..."Actually ____ is an asshole and I don't talk to him." If they ask why I'd just say "It's complicated and I'd rather not get into it."

The thing that concerns me is that this then raises red flags and causes speculation. That's why I'd rather just leave it be for now. Another alternative is just, if it ever came up in the future, to say "Look, we really don't hang out. I haven't talked to him in a couple of years." and play it off like we "drifted apart".


D-Day: 22 Dec 2013
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think being direct is better, re: your option 1 and 2 above. I think "drifing apart" calls for intervention on their part in their minds, you know? You'll end up with him invited to dinner or something.

They can speculate til the cows come home. You don't owe anyone an explantion or an apology. This is just The Way It Is Now and stand firm on that boundary.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5861 | Registered: Jan 2011
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recently a couple we know had a situation where a female friend of theirs "offered herself" to the husband. I don't have any details but what we were told is that "she started having feelings for him" so now, as a couple, they went NC with her. A couple of days ago we were all out and our friend suggested I invite my "best friend" to her upcoming party. My wife told her, "Oh...we don't talk to him anymore. We had a situation similar to what happened with you guys and that girl."

Assuming that _I_ know the whole story, my wife basically just told her friend that my "best friend" hit on her and now we are NC with him. Of course it's entirely possible that my wife hasn't told me the whole story and maybe our friends experienced infidelity in their marriage, in which case my wife just alluded to her friend that she cheated on me!

Either way, the idea of telling my parents that "he hit on her" may be a good middle ground IF/WHEN I ever have to explain why I don't talk to him... ie I don't go to his funeral. This would point out what an asshole he is, while allowing them to think my wife rejected his approach. I realize it would be dishonest, and that a lie of omission is still a lie, but I also believe that my parents, if/when they ever found out the truth, would easily forgive me and understand why I didn't tell them the whole truth in the first place.

Either way, I'm still interested in what others may have experienced on here.


D-Day: 22 Dec 2013
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi mrcpu,

We told my parents while visiting this summer. Like you, we felt we had to for difference reasons.

I wrote something for my H to say - he kept to the facts, apologized, and mentioned what we were doing to heal. We asked them if they had any questions and at the time their response was, "no". Since then they have asked me a few and that's okay My parents are forgiving and live in the now (ok...for the most part) but they said they will follow my lead and I am leading as admirably as I can.

But Rebreather is right. You don't owe an explanation.

If they persist and ask why and you WANT to say more you can always say, xbff was inappropriate with mrscpu and bc of that we can no longer be friends. That's really all I am comfortable saying.

Keep us posted.

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:54 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1803 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my parents, with BH's permission. My sister knew during.

BH is adamant about his family never knowing; like your parents mrcpu, his adore me.

I thought my mother would read me the riot act, but she's feeling guilty about my CSA (perpetrated by an employee of the family business) so she pretty much gave me a pass. Very lumpy rugs in my parents' house, if you KWIM.

BH says now he kinda wishes we hadn't told them. One really good thing that came out of it is, I had it out with my dad (in email) over the negative way he always spoke to me as a kid. Which clearly rubbed off. He pseudo-apologized and says he's working to be more positive with my kids. So I chose to forgive my dad and quit resenting him for never recognizing my accomplishments. I felt 20 pounds lighter, it was huge for me.


^^Everything I write, IMHO & YMMV.^^
fWW: 42, amazing H and two elementary-age kids.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing & rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

Posts: 774 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think "drifing apart" calls for intervention on their part in their minds, you know? You'll end up with him invited to dinner

I see your point, but I doubt my parents would intervene like that.

mrscpu

Ha!!! I love it! :-)

Very lumpy rugs in my parents' house, if you KWIM.

I vaguely remember as a kid something to do with my mother visiting a "friend". I don't know for a fact but she MIGHT have been having an affair. I also heard a rumor that my father's termination from his job was because he was messing around with the boss's wife.

When my wife told her family I wasn't too upset. I have some suspicion that her father cheated, possibly revolving around his time away during the war in their country. We also have an inside joke because one of her 2 sisters doesn't look like the others.

I'm not condoning any of these possible behaviors but one thing I've come to realize as I've grown up is that parents are PEOPLE too! They are like the wizard of Oz. When you pull back the curtain you discover they aren't magical super-heroes, just human beings struggling to try and make it through life too.

20WrongsVs1 I'm glad you cleared the air with your dad!


D-Day: 22 Dec 2013
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
Topic Posts: 8

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