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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: to Stop the D for the kids, future comfort? thoughts?
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caregiver, I think you need to follow 9000's suggestion and go back and read all your posts from the beginning. And any journaling you may have done, emails you have done, any applicable divorce-related documents. Like it's been suggested, you may be going through the bargaining phase and looking through rose-colored glasses. That's not to discount any progress your WH may have made...it's to remind you exactly how far he has come...or not, relatively speaking. I know I do this every so often to remind myself where I was, so I can stay focused on where I want to be.

Your kids are teens, right? They are going to be mad at you for something regardless. I would much rather it be for that you had to leave the marital home, which eventually they will find out is actually WH's fault, than because you made choices that compromised yourself. R should be for YOU, not for the kids. Make choices that allow them to be mad at you for making good choices.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1442 | Registered: Jun 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know that if I chose to R that my marriage would be dysfunctional. I haven't lived with him in 2 years.

Purple, my kids know exactly the reason why I loved out. We have been living like divorced people for 2 yrs. We had in house separation before that for about 6 months and before that, he was out of the house for 5 months.

I guess I do need to let go of what happens. I am such a planner and sometimes I just want to know what is going to happen in the future, even if I know there are no guarantees.

I think I will have to continue with the D since I really don't know if this is for the CS or the fact that I get 50 percent everything (the judge already stated this.

If indeed he wants to R, he will want to after we D too.

I wonder if there is something wrong with me that I just don't care to discuss the A any longer. I mean its in the past for me, the rear view mirror for me. I am done with it. So sick of it.

Maybe its because I know what lies ahead. Kids back and forth, increased ins costs, no house anymore, dating. Yuck!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What lies ahead shouldn't be all that different from what you have been doing with two separate households for two years.

If his behavior has anything to do with CS or the settlement then you will see another side quickly when you proceed forward.

As for not wanting to discuss the A, I understand that. But what about the bigger issue of how he treats you, what his default behavior is under stress, his anger. Are those behaviors tied to the A?

If you decide to try to R, then great! If two people want to work together through counseling and hard work to put a relationship together then go for it! But don't talk yourself into something that isn't there because it looks easier than D.

You are the only one who has the whole picture. You will have to decide for you, not justify it to us.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5573 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its a loss of the dream to be married til death. Loss of that family with 2 parents in the house.

Tonite at MC I told him that I can at least say to our kids that I tried all that I could to save our marriage. He wanted to continue MC and sai he was going to ask me on a date last week, but we had kids stuff that nite. He did text me that nite.

I told him I am not getting what I need and I'm not going anymore.

Next is the 4 way meeting with the lawyers to finalize the settlement.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((torn)))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24393 | Registered: Aug 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((t2b))))

Big hugs. Be nice to yourself tonight.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5573 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know he actually said that I am insecure! I mean I really, really needed to take off the rose colored glasses. Ya know what, I actually felt ok last nite. I think it will hit me later.

I didn't cry last nite. I was shocked myself. This is really painful. I told him that we can date after the D since all these money matters will be done.

I ended the session with "I am not getting what I need".

Funny thing, my horoscope today said "you are being cleverly manipulated" and talks about fear being the great paralyzer and not letting fear stand in the way of what I need to be happy. Really bizarre.

All of you have been so kind.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him that we can date after the D since all these money matters will be done.

Why? Why do you want to date him when you are clearly not in a good relationship and are divorcing. Stop with the mixed messages, you are confusing him and yourself with this.

Kids can live wonderful lives with divorced parents. My son is 12, he has a great life, does well in school, has lots of friends, active in sports and volunteer work. He loves his parents, his parents love him. That is all he needs. There is less stress and worry in his life this way.

I think it is all in how you deal with your kids and the Divorce.

((Hugs)) i know this is tough but I bet you will find your way just fine


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know he actually said that I am insecure!
??? I'm not sure I follow. He thinks you're insecure because you are D-ing him?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24393 | Registered: Aug 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just realized my previous post says it is addressed to Caregiver and not Torn. It was supposed to be addressed to Torn in regards to CAregiver's input. I am not sure how that edit happened, LOL. Anyway, it sounds like you are figuring it out Torn. I think it's a good idea to proceed with the D and take a break from all dating/relationships for a while to figure out what it is you DO need and want.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1442 | Registered: Jun 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said dating him after the D, because I would be open to that and I wanted him to know that.

I don't want a D, but I feel that I am being manipulated by him right now and ofcourse the kids situation.

He said I am insecure for accusing him of being with another woman.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually think that is a fine compromise. If he can manage to D civilly and you are protected financially and legally, then the emotional connection that exists AFTER all of that can be evaluated for being genuine ... or not.

But if there is manipulation going on (i hate that tactic being used more than anything!) then by staying the course, you remove that tool. Get what you need. Negotiate the D with a clear head and put the emotional stuff for later. This allows you to accept your feelings as genuine feelings but not allow your feelings to guide the current situation.

I see that you have both done a lot of work on yourselves. Maybe he will be someone you want to date later.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5573 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Topic Posts: 32
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