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User Topic: 11 months out...moments of shock...ignorance is gone..
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

11 months out and I still have moments (seconds really...so not long at all) where my mind is still shocked that my wife had an affair.

After much counseling, a weekend retreat and lots of reading and praying it is so crystal clear on how ineffective and unrewarding the affairs are to WS.....really are just band aids over a close-to-fatal wound....wounds that appear to have been inflicted during formative years...7-17 years old seems to be the sensitive years.

I think the shock comes from how very little gain was involved versus just how much pain was generated by it. Add to this the cost (thousands of dollars for us thus far in counseling, retreats, and books) of rebuilding and it sickens me more.

Add to that the fact that our family is at extreme risk and how that will affect our two young girls...and I can see why my mind has these seconds of shock. It almost takes my breath away as I interact with my girls...they have no idea how close they were or are to having their world radically altered.

To be sure...our marriage pre affair was not bullet proof nor fully satisfying...so who knows if we would have had future trouble or not. But I gotta believe our chances of R our marriage without the added extreme stress of adultery would have been exponentially greater. Actually, we probably wouldn't even call it R we would be more like enhancing a marriage...something we really didn't actively do. We were so passive when it came to us...

I think in some ways my ignorance to my wifes holding back from me sustained our marriage for a bit. Since I did not know she was disconnecting from me (and I don't think she was fully aware of it either...FOO issues) I acted as if we were a truly committed couple.

In my ignorance I would fully engage and support her enough to get up the next hill...Many times I would not even see her struggle (FOO again)...so I didn't have opportunities to work on things. also, without seeing her struggle I operated like everything was okay...and I believe she was comforted by that. In many ways I believe it would help us now if I could get back close to the way I operated before.

NOT with my own FOO issues in play, mind you...but if I could regain that everything is going to be okay feeling it could help.

Now, since the affair, I no longer have that same level of engagement...same level of it will be okay....same level that we are in this together.

It pains me to see how not in it together we were the last year before the A. I noticed some disconnect...but assumed it was the passing of a close family member on her side....which that was part of it.

Anyway....seems like it would be helpful if one of us had more we are in this together attitude...but I know this takes time.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:54 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3989 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

seems like it would be helpful if one of us had more we are in this together attitude...but I know this takes time.

Yes, I keep hoping that the more time passes, the more WH will "get it"

But I gotta believe our chances of R our marriage without the added extreme stress of adultery would have been exponentially greater. Actually, we probably wouldn't even call it R we would be more like enhancing a marriage...something we really didn't actively do.

I agree. Sure, now we are working on our marriage, but the fact that WH could do that to me will always be there.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi mchercheur

I get a sense you are putting a lot on your husbands shoulders. To be sure all WS have a large load to handle with regards to how they coped with life and being married....their decision to commit adultery directly relates to their coping mechanism.

The decision to commit adultery does NOT directly relate to the BS....I don't think your husband did this to you. I don't know your husband but unless he is sociopathic you (and most WS are NOT)you, like all BS's, are collateral damage...just like our kids are....just like the WS friends are. We are NOT the intended target.

I still have moments of how dare my wife do this to me. But these moments are becoming more rare each day. I feel like I am close to abandoning this way of thinking all together.

And perhaps that is why this shock is still very much a part of me. After all if my wife didn't do this because of ME, or to ME...why did she do it? If, as she says now (and I believe her), nothing good came of her affair...no fond memories, no wistful feelings, no betterment of our family, no improved stability...then why DID she chose to do it?

The shock comes from no good reasons for the affair.

IF this is the truth, it speaks directly to the brokenness within most, if not all WS...right?

Point is I have read many books and discussed this in IC and MC sessions...adultery is not about the betrayed person it is about the wayward person.

It is still painful, it still hurts like nothing I have ever felt before (tears in eyes as I woke this morning...nothing new happened, just kind of where I am at) BUT I am hopeful that with this new-to-me realization we can work through this.

By working through this I am also hopeful we can move away from condemning and hurting each other into understanding and helping each other.

NOTE: I know this may sound crazy to you...my experience was that we were in MC as my wifes affair matured from EA to full on PA....I told myself repeatedly that this fact proves it was a deliberate act against me...made maliciously and carried out with vengeance. But just because I told myself this lie many times does not make it become true. Her decisions during her affair have 100% to do with her selfish desires...the definition of selfish is caring only about yourself....not your spouse, not your kids...just what you want. Adultery is about as selfish an act as you can commit...how then can our WS decision to commit adultery be about anything but themselves?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:52 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3989 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate with the moments of shock. They are particularly bad when things are going well; It is like a sock to the stomach.

Regarding the about me/not me thing. . .it is strange because I find I have to hold some seemingly contridictory throughts at the same time. I both didn't meet some important needs for my husband, but I am not to blame for his actions.

I have tried to get into his mind at that time, and as painful as it is, I do realize there was no room for me in there. In the short, two month affair, my husband's loyalties flipped to the OW- at least on the surface. This to me is terrifying. Now, he couldn't sustain it, it caused him a lot of cognitive dissonance, but I was most certainly not the reason he did it. . . I just had a bit part on the stage of his psychodrama.

Hindus have a concept of 'neti' which is sort of a negation, meaning "not me" or "not thus." So, when faced with something that is not of the nature of God, one can say to oneself "this anger is not me," or "his/her actions are not me." To me, an affair is self-delusion and spiritual bankruptcy at the core--the worst of human nature. As a WS, they have to deal with that. But, to some degree, I think we BS need to separate from it.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:11 AM, August 12th (Monday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2063 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bionicgal...we are very much wrestling with the same issues...my wifes affair was short lived...4 months tops. PA for 3 deeply intimate acts (kissing and making out took place very frequently, but I don't consider that full on sex...at least not the same "bonding" as orasmic type of sex). And yet it was strong enough to exclude any thought of me, our marriage, or our family from my wifes mind.

Thus....the shock...of which my wife does not feel any of it. She is sad, embarrassed, guilty, angry...but shock is not part of it. Perhaps this is because WS have longer to get use their actions? maybe it is because it is THEIR actions? Maybe it is because they have a complete list of all the details?

Spiritually bankrupt...pretty powerful statement. I have a strong grasp of money and its relations (Dave Ramsey disciple here!). I can see this point and why you made it. But I would challenge that, just like there are different types of bankruptcy, there are different types of being spiritually bankrupt. What if our WS actually had two separate spritual accounts...the one with us held jointly, and the one that she secretly opened without my knowledge (her affair). That secret one is where her spiritual bankruptcy happened. But the joint one remained with SOME currency in it. Now the problem is we are still connected...the betrayal a WS has done cause HUGE withdrawals of the only existing currency we have...that in our joint account. Depending on how quickly our WS realize this will determine how quickly they want to stop their "poor spending habits" and stop the outflow of cash...and stop before full spiritual bankruptcy occurs. TT'ing and lack of ownership of the affair are old ways of spending. So now we need to decide how much are we willing to lose during this time....how close to "zero" are we willing to get before we decide to close this, our joint account. This is a new way of thinking about it...welcome thoughts.

Maybe it is the point where our WS fully decide to reverse their cash flow back into our marriage that true R starts in earnest? Having learned that bankruptcy (adultery) is no fun and has the opposite affect of getting their needs met.


So how does a BS separate from that while striving towards a "we are in this together" attitude? My opinion...this attitude will be a part of a healthy marriage. But until I get into a healthy marriage again...how does one transition?

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:04 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3989 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, my fWH has started seeing recently how what started as a huge ego boost (I compared him to a Macy's Day float the way his enormous ego was floating around, but with a tiny, tiny head - ha ha) to a position where he actually feels worse about himself than he ever has -- what he had to give up in terms of self respect to get that "high." It is so crazy. I am lucky that he is starting to see it because damn, I am sure it felt awesome at the time.

I do feel lucky that I do think we are both "all in." I know I am - to me it is the only thing I can do in good conscience. Is it foolish and naiive? I don't know. But, if the house burns down at least I can say I gave 100% and look at myself in the face.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2063 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey blakesteele, always enjoy reading your posts (if I can say that).

So how does a BS separate from that while striving towards a "we are in this together" attitude? My opinion...this attitude will be a part of a healthy marriage. But until I get into a healthy marriage again...how does one transition?

I hear you. I try to do this by remembering what Janis A Spring wrote in After the Affair: If you wait to feel 100% loving before moving forward, you likely never will.

Maybe bc I read this 4 weeks in, it had such an impact on me. But I go back to that often.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The decision to commit adultery does NOT directly relate to the BS....I don't think your husband did this to you

I REALLY REALLY struggle with this, especially since my husband was faithful for 24 years and then had two affairs promptly after I had mine.
Did he do it for himself? Or to punish me? If the latter, it is definitely in the "did it to you" category. He says not. i don't know.
I suppose it doesnt' matter.
I still take it personally.
To do something like this twice takes a whole lot of directive anger OR a completely sick selfish person. i guess both.

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:09 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5276 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to comment on the notion that....

The decision to commit adultery does NOT directly relate to the BS....I don't think your husband did this to you

I love this and I see this now. I didn't in the early months. I thought it was all about me but the more I read, the more I informed myself, the more I went to IC and MC, I realized, "this has very little if anything at all to do with me."

rachelc, I remember hearing a therapist on TV say that A's are based in anger and that anger could be from a very long time ago. Before the spouse was even in the scene. In our case, while my H did not have the A to punish me, I feel he chose his behavior - justified it - bc he was angry at many people, including me. Angry at his dad and his wife, angry about work, angry at our son who was very difficult. Angry, angry, angry.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:19 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA - I'd like to pm you as to not t/j this but you're at your limit....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5276 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blake.... Before reading my post I want you to scroll to the bottom of it and see my stats on my Husbands A. After 32 years together and discovering a 4 YEAR A, life isn't what it used to be that's for sure.

Your post hit a tender spot for me. We are both at the 11 month past Dday part of this post A crap feat so we are both probably in a similar place roughly in our R. Many of the things you talked about ring true for me too. My story shortened to a few sentences is simple....we moved far away from family and friends, we built a life, went back to school, I became a single mom, he traveled the world. We grew apart because we were apart thanks to the job. The job became bigger then life and someone filled my spot .....all this after 29 years together through thick and thin. I totally agree with your assessment of how all this shit was created in those middle years when we are struggle to make ends meet, launch better careers, take on more debt, cater to the kids needs. We all go through this. I too felt as you did. On the surface we were a super couple, strong, together, mostly happy. Yes we too didn't nurture our marriage, didn't put the effort into us and yes both of us didn't express anything about our fears, displeasure and unhappiness. I have discovered things about myself that I had buried deep within me, resentments about my husbands travel and my sacrifices to keep the family together and moving forward. I was in survival mode most of the time. To learn through IC and MC the simple things, yet hugely important things, that we didn't do for one another kills me to no end. My anger has turned to horrible sadness. The hind site to know that this was totally avoidable is an incredibly sad burden I deal with every day. To know that my husband had the capability to be so utterly selfish and unknowing of the consequences of his actions is beyond words.

I have however forced myself to move from the what ifs to the what it will be. The what ifs were truly killing me physically, mentally and emotionally. I was becoming a horribly angry, uncontrollably raging person who had no idea how to stop spiralling downward. Coming to grips with the fact that I had no more power to control the future then I did to control the past was almost too much to bare. Feeling like collateral damage really sucks, doesn't it????

But, somewhere in all my blackness a small glimmer of hope started to grow. I was one of the lucky ones I guess. Even though I have 4 damn years of A to deal with, the 100's and hundreds of emails, pictures, texts, receipts and date books stand as testament to my misery, I didn't have to live through the hell of walking into an A that was in progress. Thankfully my H's A was for all purposes over. He had run the gamut of what he was ever going to get out of something so selfish, disgusting, immoral and down right cruel. He had come to his own realization he was a class A jerk and had gotten nothing more then the heart ache, hell and pain we now go through on a daily basis. He knows exactly why he did this, we have spoken often about it over the past month. He too has nothing to show for it and that has added to his pain, shame and remorse. Our children's feelings have been voiced loud and clear on their positions about the A. I made him come clean to them because I now fear they can be at risk for doing this themselves. I wanted them to see that even adults they love can screw up big time. I wanted them to know why their mother was turned into an emotional blob, incapable of even taking care of herself in the most basic of ways. I wanted them to see that everyone has to take accountability for their actions and I wanted them to watch that even this too can be over come with the right help, the hard work and the commitment to each other.

Where I differ from you is that I know, without any doubt that, without the A we would still be back in pre A hell. Yes we would have retired to reconnect, re engage, re love, re everything. But I know for sure we would not have had the communication skills or the need to tackle the true issues behind our marriage woes. We would have continued to couch our feelings, worried of hurting the other person, worried that saying too much or expressing too many unsaid past issues would finally derail the marriage once and for all. This is not to say I don't miss our past marriage....oh man do I ever miss feeling accomplished, in control, organized, efficient, someone others want to be. But I do not, nor will I very miss living in silence and hurting quietly.

Both my hubby and I say often....in a sick sort of way we are glad that the A woke both of us up. We have come to realize with the state of our marriage it could have been either one of us that had the A. What he never bargained for was an OW with a hidden agenda, a woman who was looking to replace her sad horrible husband with my dear loving soulmate. He has only found out the true extent of her plan through my continuous efforts to get to the very bottom of this pile of you know what. Contacting the other BS helped big time in piecing this all together. The spider was very, very good at adapting her web to meet my husbands needs. This of course has added greatly to his own self loathing and fear that he will never again be able to trust his own judgement....isn't that just the saddest thought?????

I have finally moved past the sadness for my own self preservation. Good AD DRUGS HELP ME MAINTAIN A MORE POSITIVE OUTLOOK ON THE FUTURE AND FOR NOW I am going to run with it. From minute one my hubby has done everything I have needed from him and more and together we are slowly crawling our way out of the hellish pit of the A. I am now strong enough to help him deal with his own pain . He has carried the torch of strength and commitment for almost a year by himself while he helped me heal. Now it is my turn to crank up the strength. I do this willingly and I do this without malice. I do this because, through all of this, the A was never ever about love, it usually never is, but because I love him and always have. I may never forgive him 100% but we have both resolved ourselves to the fact that we want to go forward and have something bigger, better, more sexually fulfilling and loving then we ever could have had without the A.

I hope one day you can join me on the other side of the pain and sadness. Yes I have only fleeting moments of how hellish this has all been and I still ask why. But I do this so infrequently now I know we are out of the woods.

God help all of us. This is nothing I would pass on to anyone or hope on my worst enemy. I am glad you posted today. I am glad to know there are others like me who are slowly making it.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 8:37 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((TxsT)))) wonderful sentiments expressed...thank you.

We are not doing well here. pray for us.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3989 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember hearing a therapist on TV say that A's are based in anger and that anger could be from a very long time ago. Before the spouse was even in the scene. In our case, while my H did not have the A to punish me, I feel he chose his behavior - justified it - bc he was angry at many people, including me. Angry at his dad and his wife, angry about work, angry at our son who was very difficult. Angry, angry, angry.

This was my wife. Angry and struggling to find happiness. Anger compounded by unresolved childhood hurt. Failing to understand happiness comes from within, and is not provided by others. The affair was her last ditch effort to find happiness. Confused at first because it was brain chemically exhilarating, adrenaline producing, was fun and exciting, she later realized it was far from happiness.

Blakesteele, I think you are doing a great job with learning. Our task is to adjust ourselves to our new history. We have choices to make but choosing the correct path requires learning. Keep up the good work. Stay humble because every time you reach a mountain top and see clarity, you also see another mountain top in the horizon that is higher. It becomes clearer and clearer as you climb, and confusion from point to point. Know that the hard work you do is worth it.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 778 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Three years out..and what he did still shocks me.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7687 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I get a sense you are putting a lot on your husbands shoulders. To be sure all WS have a large load to handle with regards to how they coped with life and being married....their decision to commit adultery directly relates to their coping mechanism.

The decision to commit adultery does NOT directly relate to the BS....I don't think your husband did this to you. I don't know your husband but unless he is sociopathic you, like most BS, are collateral damage...just like our kids are....just like the WS friends are.

Wow Blakesteele,
Have really been meditating on this since I read it. thank you , as always, for your insights.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:43 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TxsT, thanks for the thoughtful post. I shared it with my fWH.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2063 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our task is to adjust ourselves to our new history

^^^ This really jumped out at me. That pretty much sums up recovery doesn't it?!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blakesteele.....

We are not doing well here. pray for us.

You got it my friend.

Sorry to hear this. Keep posting for support...or PM me anytime. I just cleaned up my PM box - didn't realize it was full!

LA

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our task is to adjust ourselves to our new history

When I read things like this I want to throw a tantrum... No, i'm not going to. Eff that. And if I have to do this it won't be with him. I don't want any tasks. I want to just "be."

Still struggling with acceptance here.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5276 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Random thoughts ...

1) Just 'be-ing' requires a person to integrate his/her experience into his/her consciousness - which sounds a lot like adjusting ourselves to our new history.

2) At 11 months out, I was a wreck. I think that happens to many of us in the run-up to the first antiversary. Maybe it'll be a little easier to handle what you're experiencing if you know it's probably normal.

3) Still shocked.

4) On D-Day, because of my previous history of self-pity, I knew my recovery required me to understand that my W didn't do this to me; she did it to herself (and to ow). My way of forestalling the 'she did it to me' thoughts was to forgive her. After that, when I had SDITM thoughts, I quickly told myself that I can't say/feel/believe/act on that, because I've already forgiven her.

5) The idea of 3 separate healings (me, my W, our M) really helps me - when I'm stuck, I ask myself what needs to heal. Often, I start thinking the problem is with my W or our M, but it turns out it's me. Sometimes I think it's me, but it's our M. Sometimes it's that I need to ask my W to change her behavior (and figure out how to live with a refusal).

I think that's the separation that we all need to do to heal ourselves and to R our Ms.

6) Man, if my composition teachers read this, they'd give me Fs for the acronyms!

7) I get the 'might have been' thinking. If only my W had shared her pain...! If only I had been creative enough to get my W to talk in a different way about her issues...! If only se had never met ow...! I get it. It's true - if things had been different, we probably could have built great Ms without going through this awful trauma.

Always remember, though, we're stuck with what is. None of us is perfect, and we can't change the past. We can usually change the impact of the past, though. Thinking about what might have been is virtually unavoidable - but IMO building a good future requires us to forgive ourselves for not being perfect - in the past, in the present, and in the future.

In other words, it's OK to do some wishful thinking, as long as one recognizes what it is, and as long as one doesn't punish one's self for not making it true.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:55 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
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