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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What can I do to take control?
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you're here brother.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Read about the 180. Live it!!!Do not interact with her about anything other than kids and finances. Do not tell WW about the lawyer. Just do it.

Cancel the MC appt. If she asks why, tell her it's not worth your time. If she is interested, let her set it up.

Tell the OM's Dad. Out the affair. Affairs flourish in secrecy. Don't tell WW you are doing this either. Is she gonna be pissed? Oh hell yes. I would suspect the OM will dump her quickly when his father learns of hus son's behaviors.

Listen, there's no easy way to say this. Right now, your marriage is over. She killed it. She has to be the one to administer CPR. You need to be talking to the funeral director.

She is in la-la land if she thinks this is easy. The ripple effects are devastating to all parties involved.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2715 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please listen to everyone's advice. As another said, I also let this go on for months, and it was a nightmare.

In hindsight, I would have

-Scrapped any couples counseling. Pointless if she is having an affair. Couples counseling is for COUPLES. You are no longer a couple at this time.

(Individual counseling is a must, however, to help cope. Forget about delving into your "problems" that you are deluded at this time in thinking led to your wife's adultery. Just work on emotional coping strategies.)

-Told her to move out immediately. (YOU do NOT move out.)

-Seen a lawyer immediately and filed for divorce. Period. She might realize what she will lose. If not, then your marriage was doomed anyway. I'm sorry.)

Again, whatever you decide to do, do NOT allow this to go on. It will drag on--and drag you into emotional hell much worse than you are going through right now--as long as you permit it to.

Stand firm and make it clear that this is abhorrent and unacceptable. Commit to you and your family NOW or divorce. Period.

Strength.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScaredDad, you are getting good advice. I have nothing more to add than "ditto", especially gonnabe2016's advice on the joint IC session Thursday.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScaredDad

You have your head on pretty tight which is good.

Keep that meeting with the lawyers.

Your wife is a fool dating a man who lives with daddy. Yeah, that relationship is going to last.

IMO you should go to her appt with the counselor.

Listen and learn.

Here is what you know so far.

Your wife is a liar.
Your wife is a cheat.

It is good her Mom knows. Tell your parents when you take them to the airport if they dont know already so they are aware what is happening and can help support you.

You will need their help.

1st priority is you.
2nd priority are the kids.

You are their rock because Mommy has left the family.

IMO you should out her affair to everybody. Affairs usually die when they have been exposed to the light. If you no longer love her nor want to be married to her then let her continue on her downward spiral.

But be aware that her behavior is only going to get worse at this time.

Good Luck

HM64

[This message edited by happyman64 at 10:05 AM, August 12th (Monday)]


Posts: 828 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all I am sorry as hell that you are going through this , if you read my story under no remorse it is very similar .It is beyond torture which I am sure you know by now. My advice to you , besides the "man up" stuff that people say because nobody really defines what a "man" does in that situation? I am a strong scruffy built solid construction type and I have had my share of fist fights and I was belittled enough by my WW to think twice about myself. So I would like to tell you that you are more of a man than she is a woman, you stand your ground for your family ,home and kids! whatever you do , do not leave your home ! I made that big mistake and she loved it and took full advantage . You cannot control her so just focus on controlling you, get a lawyer and talk to them regarding your rights.Now,Not after she hits you with divorce papers . Do you really want someone in your life who can treat you like that. For me that was a dealbreaker No going back no matter what but I still love her as im sure you do too. I tell you these things because looking back I made so many foolish mistakes. taking advice from "friends" who either never went through what we are or cheat themselves so they don't give a crap.Be careful who your real friends are now and who you talk to about things everyone chooses sides about now so be smart ! I am not saying don't cry or go crazy when you are by yourself but try not to show too much weakness as hard as that may be .Once again I made all of these mistakes so I am not one to preach just trying to help. I do not know the details of your story but I will follow it.For me reading /journaling/workingout/new hobbies all worked in getting myself back on whatever track im on now. This site is a great outlet too! Leaving your home no matter how much you are tortured would be a huge mistake especially if you are going to fight for your kids. I dealt with her calling me names ,leaving sex toys around the house , hotel bathrobes ,not coming home nights and all that other disgusting crap so I know what you are feeling and I also have two young kids who she neglected the whole time. To get control my advice is to act now and first and to not lose your temper verbally or physically ,that would be a huge mistake . Be assertive and stand your ground and use the pain to your advantage. I wish you the best for real and remember her affair has nothing to do with you ,she had tons of other options besides betraying her family!!!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 628 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry your wife put you in this situation. I agree with what everyone else has posted. Especially the part about telling OM's dad. That in and of itself could squash the affair, even if it doesn't save your marriage. And I would tell your friends as well, so they don't unwillingly enable her. I would consider telling your and her family, in time. Not while they are living with you, obviously. They will need to know eventually.

If you do decide to go to the couples session, I also agree that you take the stance it is for a one-time session to determine how to transition to divorce with the least amount of impact on the kids. That the wife will need to live elsewhere if she is going to continue having an affair until the divorce, and have the therapist explain to her how that will impact the kids if she does not comply. Wife needs a does of reality. Ask her if that is what example she wants to set for her daughter to follow. IMHO that is really the only benefit your couples session can benefit you right now.

I also wanted to mention please do not take comfort in the fact you think your kids don't suspect anything at this age. They will know something is not right between you two. My kids were your kids' ages when I had dday, and I had the same assumption that if we acted cordially in front of them, all would be fine. There were consequences on all of them, it just took time for it to present in a manner than we could see. It might be advisable at this point to start looking at IC for your kids, because what your wife does in the next month or so may wind up causing some significant damage.

You don't want to teach them that great resentment between married parents is acceptable. And you don't want to set the example that it is normal and ok for married people to sleep in separate beds, and that one of you can go step out at night against the other's wishes. You definitely don't want your kids to think that what your crazy wife wants, to stay married and date another man, is normal and healthy. Yes, they are 2 and 4 now, but they will start putting the puzzle together sooner than you think. This is again where a kid IC can be very helpful in minimizing damage control on them, and assist you in any custody issues that may come in the future.

Good luck. Keep posting. You will get good advice here.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1466 | Registered: Jun 2011
ScaredDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40245
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for the responses. It is nice to feel validated.

Just to update, as I suspected she was out with him last night. She came home at 1, after I had gone to bed and slept on the couch. I haven't confronted her directly about the fact that she lied and saw him but she knows that I know.

This morning I emailed with her Mom back and forth, trying to get her perspective on things and telling her how much this is hurting and how unacceptable I find it. She called my wife and they had a long chat. The upshot is that my wife has now told us both that she will no longer be seeing OM while she works things out with me. I never thought convincing my wife not to have sex with another man would be considered a victory but I guess thats where I find myself now!

One thing I threw out to her Mom, and I am not sure if she relayed this to my wife when they spoke, was that I feel like giving her an ultimatum: either get out of the house or stop seeing him and if she doesn't agree to one of those then I will expose the affair to her family, friends and colleagues. Like I say, I dont know if that was passed on to her but maybe that was the impetus to get her to agree to NC.

Of course there is her saying it and it actually happening. I will continue to watch and see but if she does really stick to this then maybe we can build a better relationship if we stop doing things to hurt eachother. A reconcilliation may not be possible but hopefully we can both find peace and move forward in the best interests of the kids.

I will still go to our couples session on Thursday and my own therapy session tomorrow. I dont think I have anything to lose at this point.

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow and I will go to that so I can understand all my options, however things play out.

I think her agreeing to NC is a big step. Maybe not towards us getting back together but it at least takes away the power of the affair to humiliate and torture me further.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2013
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scared....I am glad I read all the posts and your last update. I really don't know what you are going through because I have not had to deal with my RWH continuing contact after Dday. The bonus of trying to survive a 4 year long A is that the A is no longer new and exciting. In many ways I think it was far more of a mess then our M was LOL. Oh my goodness did I just really lol???

I am so glad you were able to speak openly and honestly to your mother in law. I am so pleased for you that she didn't appear to take sides either, something it is hard for outsiders to do. Do not feel bad about having to throw down your ultimatum of the exposure without compliance to one of your options. Both options were fair in my eyes. Not only that but just laying out this clear message was exactly what you needed to do. If the threat of exposure helped shake your WS tree, well good on you because her tree needs to be chopped!!!!

I just don't get how WS can carry on A's when young children are involved, heck when any children are involved. Do they not get how selfish and ugly they look in their children's eyes? And I don't buy it that young children don't know. They might not understand what they know but I can assure you they know something is VERY WRONG.

When I was first suffering in the early part of post Dday and my thoughts wavered back and forth from he really wants to R to he just wants to save his reputation and his ass, I too through out an ultimatum. We had suffered through a phone call and visit from the former OW. She had not come out of La la land and still felt she was the rightful owner of my husbands affection. She flew to a different country to show up on our doorstep unannounced to claim what was rightfully hers. You can imagine what hell ensued from this situation. I was sent right back to day 1 of Dday and didn't know what was the truth and what was fiction. My ultimatum to him was......if I ever found out he had a hand in her trip, or her decision to make the trip, or any part of returning her feelings I would not only out him to his 95 year old mother and my father but I would out her to her employer and have her fired. That would not only ruin his reputation but hers.....guess they didn't think I could be a mean old mama bear wife when I needed to be!!!!!

Ultimatums have their place in this mess. I am glad you have been able to get here and recoup some of your fighting sense and self Esteem. How dare she think it is ok to continue while living with you and the children.....shame shame on her.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 1:41 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScaredDad, I really hope she does what she says. You were absolutely right to lay down the law. IMHO, it is not an "ultimatum" to insist on being faithful to stay in the house and the marriage. It is your right and your expectation in a marriage contract.

Gently, I highly suggest you verify she is doing what she says she is doing. Obviously you have some means of doing so in knowing where she went last night. So whatever it takes, VAR in the car, GPS tracker, PI, friends doing spy work, computer keylogger, checking her phone, etc is very very key right now. If they are truly remorseless, THIS is the time they lie to your face, cover their tracks, and go underground. If that is the case, you need to know to make fully informed decisions with your life.

I wish you the best of luck. Keep us updated on your progress. You are doing great.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1466 | Registered: Jun 2011
wewillmakeit
♂ Member
Member # 26290
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TxsT said:
I just don't get how WS can carry on A's when young children are involved, heck when any children are involved. Do they not get how selfish and ugly they look in their children's eyes? And I don't buy it that young children don't know. They might not understand what they know but I can assure you they know something is VERY WRONG.

They compartmentalize. When I pointed out to my wife that her having an affair wasn't exactly the behavior of a good mother she said " it may mean I'm not being a good wife, but having an affair has nothing to do with my qualities as a mother - I'm a wonderful mother" We have four boys who were aged 7-13 at the time. I said "yeah, I'm sure if they knew that you're fucking our oldest son's baseball coach, that would earn you mother-of-the-year in their eyes" They delude themselves because to do otherwise would end the fantasy.

Posts: 261 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
ScaredDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40245
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I pointed out to my wife that her having an affair wasn't exactly the behavior of a good mother she said " it may mean I'm not being a good wife, but having an affair has nothing to do with my qualities as a mother - I'm a wonderful mother"

Right, my wife said something similar. She thinks we have different parenting styles (i.e. she thinks mine is poor) and she is a better mother when she isn't around me. Its all just fueling the idea that this whole situation she has created is for the greater good.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is indeed simply incredible, the blindness. My STBXWW believes that she is a wonderful mother. The evidence:

We are divorcing
Both kids are on meds
Both kids are in therapy
My son thinks I'm going to kill myself
My son has spoken of killing himself
Both cry for their missing mother
My son knows his mother is cheating on his daddy
Mommy left them once, then came back and promised she would never leave again. She left again.

They are nine and six. Babies.

How she defines good mothering baffles me. Imagine if she were a BAD mother?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maybe we can build a better relationship if we stop doing things to hurt eachother.

What are you doing, or what have you done to hurt her?
(that is the equivalent of her betrayal)?

Do you believe 'problems in the M' caused her adultery?

Man, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.


Posts: 6533 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, the nerve of her.

One thing is for certain, nothing will get better by doing nothing.

If you want to gain some control, do not give her that power.

I agree, see an attorney and file. Do not allow her to disrespect you like this. Put her ass out!

I am so angry for you!


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
keptmyword
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course there is her saying it and it actually happening. I will continue to watch and see but if she does really stick to this then maybe we can build a better relationship if we stop doing things to hurt each other.

I think her agreeing to NC is a big step. Maybe not towards us getting back together but it at least takes away the power of the affair to humiliate and torture me further.

Her "affair" has NOTHING to do with YOU or your MARRIAGE. Adultery/infidelity is a PERSONAL issue - not a MARITAL issue.

There is NOTHING for you to be humiliated about.

You have kept your vows.
You have been honest.
You have held fast to your values through an incredibly painful experience.
Your integrity is intact and honorable. Your instinct has been to protect your children.
You have offered reconciliation in the face of the ultimate betrayal of yourself and your children.

Bravo to you, sir. You may very understandably be heartbroken and feel fear - but there is not a single fucking thing you should feel humiliated about. You are a good man, indeed. I hope you actually gain a sense of empowerment from this, as I did. One does so by sticking to their values most specifically when times are tough. THAT is what character is about.

She, on the other hand, has grotesquely humiliated herself for the rest of her life. She has lost her integrity and will never get it back.

Let some of that fear begin to turn to righteous, controlled anger - and use it.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 362 | Registered: May 2012
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo to you, sir. You may very understandably be heartbroken and feel fear - but there is not a single fucking thing you should feel humiliated about. You are a good man, indeed. I hope you actually gain a sense of empowerment from this, as I did. One does so by sticking to their values most specifically when times are tough. THAT is what character is about.


DITTO


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Dec 2012
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell her you want proof that there is NC. Demand all passwords for phone, computer etc. Once younger those then track her phone and keylog the computer.
Put a VAR in her car and then see what happens. I for one do not believe she has ended the A. She is hoping by saying she has that that will pacify you. Demand this in front of MC therapist and if therapist does not agree get up and leave and find another one. You need to take control.
My fwh swore he ended everything and we were in MC for 18 months when I found out nothing had changed . Once I said get out and I want a divorce things changed.
Good luck.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
ScaredDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40245
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I am going to have to watch this carefully. This afternoon, after she had made the announcement of NC, she had already begun complaining about how difficult it will be for her, going back to a a life with no love (break out the violins).

"I feel like I've been starving for years and now I'm going to be fasting again". Try and hold back your tears.

And when I got home from work she was playing the victim card to its fullest. Moping about, laying down in our darkened room, trying to hold it together. I know it wont be long before she is complaining about how much she is suffering and she cant live like this. She is completely blind to reality.

Its nice to know I have the support of her family. Her mother, father and sister, who know the full story, have all been giving her the same message, that this is insane and she must be out of her mind. The only one who is empowering any of this is OM. You would think that would be a wake up call to her but no such luck.

Believe me, I will be all over this. If she does stray, I will know about it and remind her of my ultimatum. She will have 24 hours to make other living arrangements or the emails start to friends, family and colleagues.

At this stage, a reconciliation would be a nice miracle, and worth it for the kids, but I am just interested in securing a happy outcome for myself and the kids at this stage, without her being able to continue to walk all over me.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScaredDad;

This behavior shows no remorse.
She is still in the Fog. The A is not over.

I would tell her "Don't do me any favors."


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Dec 2012
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will follow this thread with interest..
My situation is very similar..
WH's name also on the title of our house..
I have asked him to leave but he refuses..
No hope for R but not financially situated to file for divorce yet...

One poster's words helped a lot..The poster that said that filing and getting temporary orders will cost only a few hundred dollars..

I was under the impression that once I file for divorce, the D lawyer and the D process would be ongoing and would suck a significant amount of funds from my monthly pay...I can't afford for that to happen because I am not healthy enough to go back to work yet...

Life in our house consists of living in separate bedrooms.. WH does the cooking..He washes his own clothes, dishes.

Since I pay most of the bills I don't lift a finger around the house except to do my own laundry, clean my bedroom, bathroom and the spaces that I spend most of my time in..

I like to spend most of my time away from the house if I am feeling energetic..

I am looking forward to being physically separated, living on my own..

Living in an house separation sucks..

I have the constant feeling that a nasty surprise is waiting for me just around the corner..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:05 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

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