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User Topic: What can I do to take control?
doggiediva
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Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once understood that I had not control whatsoever over what WH did I took a deep breath and realized then and there that I was done..
Sans kids, I am in a similar situation as yours..My WH won't leave, I will have to forcefully evict him by filing for D and getting temporary orders..Staying behind in the marital home and having to endure his


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once I understood that I had no control whatsoever over what WH did I took a deep breath and realized then and there that I was done..
Sans kids, I am in a similar situation as yours..My WH won't leave, I will have to forcefully evict him by filing for D and getting temporary orders..Staying behind in the marital home and having to endure the possibility of him stalking me or hurting me is not worth evicting him..
I have been pulling a very hard 180..WH has been reasonable about doing all of the cooking and grocery shopping..Whenever mealtime happens we eat separately..We have separate bedrooms..
I am getting my ducks in a row to file for divorce and leave before having WH served..
My sister who recently relocated to another state is now in a better position to help me..I want to relocate to a place of my own that is close to family coz I will feel much safer..
My sister is similar age and in similar stage in her career, we will actually be able to spend a fair amount of time with each other, so moving to her city and finding place close to hers would be my first choice..
If you want to stay in the home, you should file for D and get her evicted, get temporary orders to keep her from draining you financially...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:18 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
ScaredDad
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Member # 40245
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know it's not so much about having control over her. I don't think I care about that. Yes, I would like her to go NC with OM but that is to save me hurt and help us build an amicable, separated future if that is what it is going to be.

What bothers me is that she has so much control over me. She has taken the future I planned for myself, my kids, my family and blown it up. Her decision in this has completely changed my life and I cant control that. And all the boundaries and applying the 180 is not going to change the fact that she has turned my life, and my kids lives, upside down without me having any ability to prevent or change that.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's because the boundaries and the 180 are not meant for changing facts.
ScaredDad)))
Time to get strong.

Posts: 6674 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SD, we are all beating the same drum. Kinda like something from King Kong 1977.

This I DO NOT understand:

I would like her to go NC with OM but that is to save me hurt and help us build an amicable

What does her being NC have to do with amicably separating? How does her being in contact hurt you at all at this point other than not allowing you to lounge in a state of denial?

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 6:56 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with jjct!..A lot of 180 actions are done out of instinct and they help keep us sane..Because this is behavior of standing back at a distance until you can wrap your head around what has happened/ing, it is usually opposite to normal behavior. This new behavior shocks some WS's and others don't care enough to give a F..
The boundaries and the 180 are meant to make your life more comfortable and sustainable and give you dignity in dealing with all of the shit your WS is dishing out..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
NobleCause
♀ Member
Member # 35687
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scared Dad, I'm glad my post resonated with you, but I'm thinking perhaps you missed the point a bit.

By doing everything you are now doing, my father demonstrated that he did NOT love his kids more, but that in fact his inability to face the truth of what my mother did, and his refusal to accept how the future had changed - his desperation to try to maintain something like the 'old marriage' - that hurt and damaged me more than him changing the locks on my mother ever would have.

I don't mean this harshly, but firmly - you are not protecting your children by allowing them to live in a toxic home, poisoned by your wife's actions. You and your children cannot begin to heal from the wound until you remove the infection.

I'm sorry, it's hard, I do know that, from experience on both sides of the coin, as a child and an adult.

You can do this, she hasn't stolen YOUR future, she's stolen her own with you, at least at this point. YOUR future, as a man and a father, is still within YOUR control.


Me, BS, 39, Him WH, 36
Together 14 yrs, Married 11.5
PA,DDay May 28, 2012
1 son (9)

But Iím not walking from our dream, it grows as I begin. Royal Wood


Posts: 110 | Registered: May 2012
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankly I understand completely about the permanent damage done, lives turned upside down..

I am a young senior citizen that is staring at the possibility of financial ruin when D happens..

I am the only one in our marriage that accumulated a meager retirement and savings and I have been the only bread winner in our family more often than not..

My WH is voluntarily unemployed and refuses to go back to work..Because I am not physically healthy to work yet, I have not pursued D, I don't want to open that can of worms until I am stronger and have a support system behind me..My finances have been separate from WH's and I have done everything our no fault state has to offer me for protecting myself short of filing for D..

Because of my WH's personality traits, I don't see an amicable D happening, he is more likely to let D drag on and on and demand a trial..

Given that you have young kiddos though, pls keep up a journal of how often your WW is with AP leaving the kids with you, having these facts of dates, times at your fingertips can help you in a custody battle..

Nothing that you can do is guaranteed to change your WW's mind on how amicable she wants to be...

You might have a clue as to what kind of a fight you are up against in S or D based on your WW's personality traits, but if I were you I would go ahead and expect the worst so that you are prepared for it..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:58 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont have any good advice to give, you already got that but i have a 2x4 for you,

Women love men whom the respect, women respect men who have self respect. She lost respect for you along with the love, so she had the A.

You caught her and confronted her. She told you its true and she is going to see Om and not going to leave the house. Many cheats on their spouse but only cold, disrespectful women and men continue the A right under the nose of the BS to humiliate the BS.

At this time you had only two options, ask her to stop the A and engage in MC and IC. She is not ready to end means its over between you and her. Marriage is between two there is no room for her OM in it. She choose OM over you.

The second option is to file for D with self respect and figt for your children. Instead of that you always found reasons that she is in the fog and never filed. It showed her that her behaviour is aceptable to you. She can have her cake and eat it too. Why should she stop her fun and excietment when she can have both. Security of her home, a babysitter to babysit? She lost her remaining respect for you in the way you handled the days after dday. You looked like a person without any options, too needy and weak.

Stop finding excuses for her, File for D. You are the prize not her, let she follow you if she wake up from her so called fog. Stop perusing her. Stop giving her the impression that you are ready to R and accept any BS from her.

Your children will be far better living in two separate happy homes than living in a dysfunctional disrespectful family.

She is not going to come out of the fog if there is no consequences. In house separation is not a consequences, it is a blessing for her to continue the A as she is doing now without your inference. She is going to humiliate you more by continuing the A in-front of you. File for D.


Seperation
BY the way dump the dumb ass MC. But having MC when the WS is actively in an A is waste of time and money.

[This message edited by kannan at 5:16 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
mchercheur
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Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ScaredDad,

How are you doing today?

Was reading this on the thread
in JFO with the title "Ug", & thought how applicable it is to your situation as well:

The A itself may not be grounds but the way she is conducting herself could be grounds for mental cruelty.
"Unless I want to take everything to a spiteful place legally"
I'm not a proponent of an eye-for-an-eye. However, it seems your WW decided she was going to conduct her life with total disregard for your feelings. Protecting yourself isn't spite. My attorney told me that one of the biggest hurdles she faced when trying to represent her clients were the clients themselves. They would place limits on what they did and didn't want done. They would not take her advice.
Go to the lawyer and tell him/her what you want. Then do what they say to get it, because they know the process. Don't focus on the process. Focus on the outcome and remember only you are looking out for you in this. So you need to be vigorous in your own defense.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 10:00 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Dec 2012
ScaredDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40245
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am doing OK today. My family left last night so we can start to work on building what will be the new normal for us for the time being.

She stayed upstairs in the now vacated guest room last night so that is one step. We're also going to talk about how we can start to decouple finances, get ourselves to having our own credit cards, not joint.

I know most of the recent advice people have given me is to start the divorce process ASAP and move quickly to getting us living apart and the kids out of a toxic environment. However, I'm having a hard time with being that aggresive.

I know it will come in the next few months but I really think it will be best for us all, especially me and the kids, to take things slowly. We are stuck with eachother until the house sells anyway and that will take a while whether we put it on the market tomorrow or a month from now.

I am also hoping to minimize the expense of a lawyer right now. We have an expensive house both to pay for and to run. And we have debt we are paying down. We really cant afford to be paying lawyers to snipe at eahc other for us.

I truly believe I need to work on becoming more accepting of this situation so I can let go of my hurt and focus on getting out of this with the best possible situation for me and the kids. If I can do that then I will accpet that this woman is no longer my wife and I wont find it so hurtful that she is with someone else. From there we can work on separating as friends who can work together on raising the kids.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2013
kg201
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Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you and I might have the same wife and situation. In fact mchercheur's repost was from my "ug" thread.

My WS reaffirmed this morning that she either wants a separation, or an open marriage while we stay in the house together.

I am going to try and begin the 180 today. I wish I could move out of the fog and denial, so that trying some of these 180 approaches felt more natural. In fact I just snapped at my wife as I am typing this. Grr.

I'm in the process of digging up a patio and the roots that go with it, but stopped inside to rest. Even with the chopping I can't get my mind off things.

I'm with you about the trying to be more accepting of where I am, instead of pining for things to return to normal. It's not easy.

K


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2013
ScaredDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40245
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey kg, maybe we should submit an application to that TV show Wife Swap. That would make for an entertaining hour of television!

I am doing some of the 180 things. Basically trying to be practical about the kids and stuff with running the house. I am not going to bring up the A or OM anymore (or try not to at least) because it does not do any good anyway. I'm just trying to focus on the practicalities of the future.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2013
kg201
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Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe entertaining for others, but for us?

The practicalities of the future are what have been bugging me all morning. At one point a week or so ago when we were talking about how a separation might work she asked me whether I would come shovel the snow in the winter if there was a storm. That memory made me start wondering what do I do with things that ultimately help the kids (shoveling the drive so they can get to school), but are technically a help to her? (I don't know if I phrased that well). With my wife's cancer the bigger question for me is, "do I continue to help her with her treatment?" Part of me says, screw it. You want to be separate from me, then take care of it on your damn own. The other side says that she is my kids' mother and that ultimately they will see her degenerate whether I am in the house or not. Even though I could say, let her other man take care of her, as many on SI have posted, I don't want the dick around my kids. And I don't want my kids to see their mother sick and their father doing nothing to help her.

Hell.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2013
ScaredDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40245
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man, I had read your original post but did not realize that this was you, if that makes sense.

Yea, your situation is similar to mine but with the added fuckedupedness of your wifes illness. I'm so sorry.

The practicalities are the worst right now. I feel annoyed to be doing anything to benefit her but with a house and the kids it seems like most things I have to do are for all our benefit so I just need to get on with them.

Ultimately we will always be linked by the kids so there is no point getting into the mindset of never lifting a finger to do something for her.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2013
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScaredDad

God gave men balls for a reason, to use them.

Stop being scared. If you let those fears control you now, they will just follow you for years after the Divorce.

So now you know a few things.

Your wife is a liar.
Your wife is a cheater.
Your wife loves another man, not you.
Your wife wants a Divorce.

Oh but lets not forget she wants to be in control of the divorce, the finances, the parting of the ways.

Sure she says it is for the kids.
No! It is to be in control of you.

She is selfish. She is only thinking of herself.

So be smart and take back control.

Go back to your attorney and have divorce papers drawn up.

Have the OM named in them even if infidelity has no bearing.

Cancel anymore couples counseling. They are for her benefit only to massage her guilt over breaking up the family.

On the day she is to be served (have it done somewhere public like work) make an announcement to all of your families (parents and siblings, close friends) that you two are divorcing due to infidelity and that you hope everyone can support family as you go through trial life.

Stop letting her sneak around. She wants the OM let her have him in the light of day.

Divorces take months to accomplish. It will not be easy whether you are nice or not.

So stop being nice. Your kids will respect you when you are older.

And maybe your STBX will get some respect back for you by your actions.

Stop being a nice guy.

HM64


Posts: 906 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
mchercheur
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Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scared Dad, Good luck to you in your decision. But I am sure that a year from now you will wish you did things differently.

I will repeat what I wrote yesterday, I think on the page before this:

As long as you will put up with her cake eating, that's how long as she will continue doing it. How long are you willing to live like this?
For me (and our 4 kids), it went on for almost half a year. I think that's more damaging to the kids than your packing up her stuff in hefty bags & putting them on the front stoop, & changing the locks.
I didn't know about this site at that time. I wish I had been tough from the 1st moment---I was afraid of making WH angry.


Nice doesn't work with an unremorseful cake eating spouse.
When I stopped being nice is when WH came out of the fog, ended the A, & started to realize what he was throwing away.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:55 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Dec 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scared Dad, Good luck to you in your decision. But I am sure that a year from now you will wish you did things differently.

Ditto. I sincerely wish you well.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Scared dad) dam! I have been following and have read the entire thread and I feel the pain and know exactly what you are going through as do all who responded.I do not want to tell you shit that deep down inside you already know such as having to be assertive! that is not the same as aggressive it is just standing your ground and following through on your statements. I went through the exact same thing ,almost identical except I didn't discover the affair till the end as I lived through what you are now.I am not going to tell you what to do because you sound like you will have to make your mistakes as I did. I will tell you that I was also in severe denial and I also have young children who I watched my stbxw ignore and mistreat , lie to and manipulate all for her new man.My stbxw also lied cheated stole and lied some more, it is typical of all who cheat . I knew for a long time but I was in severe denial she said severe verbally abusive things to me during the time I lived through it so I know how much it kills to hear that your wife is in love with another man! yup that's the truth , and if you are human right now you are most likely in the obsessive stage which is normal after discovery. I am sure we all have been there.It was not until I stopped trying to find answers that I started to heal(although I fall often back into those feelings).Most good people know that all relationships such as marriage, business even family ,have ups and downs but nobody is perfect .You can not be the only one willing to fix your marriage!That will never work believe me I tried also in the couples therapy as she also lied and manipulated I came out feeling like I just got beat up by two wives!All the statements about your kids respecting you ,you should really listen to. My kids told me to stop letting mommy abuse me and to stand up for myself as I taught them . Those exact words! so if you do anything for your kids it should be to set a good example by your actions.Your wife is gone, I hope not, but it sounds like she is gone along with mine and many others and yes maybe one day she will be back ,probably when she realizes the grass isn't greener and she should have watered the garden some more ! As far as confiding in her family,I also made this mistake they all betrayed me and if you get to the trial part of divorce court do you really think that her family will testify against her? come on you are smarter than that ! That is her mother. most immediate family love unconditional especially if the mother is a good woman,she might not agree with her daughters choices but it is still her daughter! I was betyrayed by all and my stbxw made them all believe how horrible she was treated with a nanny, a cleaning lady, two homes, 3 cars, a business, unlimited credit card etc.So for me I felt much better after I cut all ties to the family and close friends who were not on my side as far as their belief about infidelity.After you get a little control by lawyering up you will feel stronger.Who cares if it is what she wants ? give it to her.The divorce process often takes years and who knows what will happen. As far as money ,you will make more! I know its crazy and extremely painful to watch your life , dreams,money ,family slip away but as I see it you don't have a choice.You were dealt this hand you didn't choose it! as I was dealt the same shitty hand! Good luck and I wish you the best!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 690 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
ScaredDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40245
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know people feel like I am not following the advice I have been given here, but I am trying to make it fit my situation.

As much as I want to set boundaries and consequences, I have no leverage. She does not want a future with me so I cannot threaten her with that.

The only thing I could do is to file for an acrimonious divorce immediately and put our house on the market straight away. The fact is those things are not practical and it's not what I want either.

The only things I want are for her to go NC with OM and try and see if we can rebuild our relationship. She does not want that and I have nothing that can force her to do that.

Outside of that, I don't want an expensive, acrimonious divorce and I don't want us to be out of our house in a month or so. I need time to accept this and start building our life apart. We are doing that now. She has moved upstairs. We are separating our finances.

We just got done talking a few minutes ago. Not an argument as such just more a cantankerous discussion. I think I can handle these fairly well now without getting too emotional. The one time I did get overwhelmed was when I pointed out to her that our future, ultimately, is each of us only going to be seeing the kids 7 days out of 14. That's what scares me. I'm a scared dad because I'm scared of not being able to see my kids everyday. And until I get the chance to wrap my head around that future, I'm going to have to take things slowly and play nice.

The divorce will come. The separate homes will come. But the only control I can take right now is deciding when I am ready for that.


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