was it faith in who he could be?
No I had no faith in him at this point and it only got worse.
was it your own desire to stay committed no matter what?
No, I had suffered a couple of mental breakdowns and was not in any capacity to make M decisions at the time.
was it fear of finding another cheater?
No I think anyone can cheat.
Has it been what you expected, better or worse?
Do you feel like it's been worth your pain?
I guess I never expected to R so just being in R is a surprise to me. I have hope for what he can be. I have memories of who he used to be. So far nothing has been worth the pain that has followed my WH's infidelity. I am learning to live with it and make myself healthy and happier.
I must admit that if I had no kids I would have D'd, but right now I am staying because my love has rekindled for WH and I do not want to be a mom 50/50, but should he mess up again I will gladly embrace being a single mother.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:00 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]
This was shared with me by another SI member and it made sense. If you're still angry at the WS, then you still have feelings for him. Work on those feelings. If you start to develop contempt, then maybe D is the right road. If love and acceptance start to come back, then maybe continuing to work on R is the right thing to do.
Easy to say, hard to do. I'm struggling with it myself.
Now years later it would be the time we are together but if I found him cheating again or lied about the past I would pack his bags that day and make him leave. I would file for a legal separation. Would I divorce him I hope not! But if I should that would be ok..
Look you know your limits. What you and you can and cannot handle.. Believe in who you are...
I am still working on staying. Struggling.
My d-day is still so recent, and people keep telling me that it's too early for me to be making decisions either way (R, or S/D?). But, I have been spending every moment since d-day weighing my options - I could move out, he could move out, I could file, I could not file... Back during one of our conversations about splitting up, I told him my #1 reason for staying (for now) was that I still loved him. Our 21m old daughter was a close second.
I still can't believe he did this to our family, so I'm having a hard time believing things will change. But I do feel like I have (or rather need) time to sort things out.
Right now, we have one vehicle (mine, from before we got married). It needs more repairs than it's worth. We'd been taking about getting rid of it for a while, and that still has to happen, regardless of what he and I decide to do. The lease on our apartment isn't up until April 2014, and it will cost 2k to break it (not to mention how a broken lease looks on our rental histories). Then there's court fees, attorneys, and the sale of all our community property (because neither of us will be in a position to take it with us). Are finances and convenience good reasons to stay married? Maybe not, but they all add to my reasons for staying and give us some extra time to see if we can make this work.
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
Consider this. People are only truly ready to D when they don't feel strong emotions one way or the other toward their WS.
I still love him, but as many can relate, not in the way that I used to. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, sometimes I feel anger.
I do think in a way I am coming to the point where I don't care as much. Will I ever NOT care? No, he's the father of my children, was my husband for 17 years and I will always care about him.
But I can no longer take care of him and be that person who is always trying to hold him up and fix him.
Letting go of that was huge and a big part of my role in the marriage.
Do I want to be divorced? Not really. But I don't want to be married to the man who did this to me, who betrayed me, who lied and hurt me.
I just want all of it to be undone. We had something great and he threw it away for nothing.
Now he's put me in an impossible position- I don't want any of the possible outcomes. I don't want any of them.
I do think about staying, but it makes me sick thinking about them being together.
Then I think about leaving and I know how much I will miss him.
There's no easy answer. I am just sick of hurting.
A lot of it also is that I am young-ish and would like a partner in life. Besides the A, he was a great partner. Now, he's ideal. If I were to D, I'd want to get remarried. And I know that is risky, too. So maybe it is about taking the risk you know versus the risk you don't know?
And, yes, for the kids. Not because I have the belief that they need two parents together no matter what. But because I love my WH's parenting style, I love the uniqueness of our little family. And I am scared of a stepmom. Man, I've seen it work so beautifully for so many families, but it would break my heart.
ETA: to answer your question about how R is - better than I expected or worse. Well, it has followed a fairly typical story here with false R (TT). Lots of ups and downs. What I will say is that it has been such a positive experience for me personally. On an individual level, I've become more aware of my priorities, I'm more patient, I'm a better communicator (with everyone), and I have a deep level of peace that comes after a crisis, when you do the hard work, get to know yourself better, and take care of your soul. But that can be done without R. But doing it and seeing the effects on my family unit has been very satisfying.
[This message edited by RockyMtn at 8:35 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]
After a while (when mr unfound got on board), I stayed because I could see he was trying. I was reserved, but watching him closely as he started his own healing.
Then, I stayed because his efforts were consistent, his progress moving forward, the changes weren't surface changes, but changes at the core. I stayed because he was willing to go to a really ugly scary place in order to not only heal himself, but our M as well.
Eventually I stayed because not only could I see the possibility of R, but I believed it.
The reasons changed over time and they were sometimes really hard to accept (within myself).
Was it worth it? yes.
Was it what I expected? Not at all. Times it was worse, times better. Having a common goal, but different paths there, yet having to travel the same road at times makes for a long journey. A long, sometimes bumpy, sometimes cruisin speed journey.
I also couldn't imagine some other woman (insert banned description of what type of woman he would have picked based on the AP here) raising my children half the time.
My WH had been such an absentee father for the prior 3 years that I didn't trust him with them either.
We had big credit card debt and a house that needed major reno. before we could sell it.
Basically I stayed because I liked the life we had made for the kids. If he would have cooperated and just disappeared somehow after DDay and everything else would magically stay the same I would have taken that option.
The second time, I wasn't going to stay. I had a separation agreement (a very fair one, even by my lawyer's standards), I had a house to move into, a full time position at my work (I'm currently part time), and a babysitter lined up. I was GONE.
What made me stay that time? Realizing my husband was completely at rock bottom and was BROKEN. I've known this man for 18 years, I know him. I knew this wasn't him. I knew this wasn't the legacy he wanted to live. I just *knew* it. I finally asked him "does she make you happy?" and his immediate answer was "NO! I don't even want to be with her anymore. Now that it's out, I can leave her and start over". It crushed me. WHY are you DOING this then, if it doesn't make you happy? I screamed. I cried. I completely lost it. That's when he finally *got it*. I could actually see the light bulb go off in his head. I didn't see that instant moment at all the first time around. No more anger, no more accusing me, no more anything other than "I need help and I don't know where to start"
That, my friend, is the *only* reason why I stayed. And I didn't stay with rainbows and butterflies in my head. I stayed conditionally. I stayed only if and when I could see my WS continuously helping himself and helping me. I still only stay with that in mind and he knows it. It's exhausting, but it's getting better. I'm healing, as is he. Albeit slowly.
I think the bottom line is the only reason why I can stay is because I continuously see sorrow, embarrassment, and healing with him. No more anger. If you can't have that, then it's not going to work. I've found and seen first hand.
I stayed because my younger children deserve to have a father--however imperfect he might be. D would mean moving back to my "home" state (which I'd love in many ways) and separating my boys from their dad. My H loves his kids, but he couldn't possibly visit often enough to fill the void.
I stayed because a D would financially devastate us both. We're so near the edge right now. After 22 years of M and living in a community property state, I'd get A LOT of alimony and child support. He'd have to declare bankruptcy which would cause him to lose his security clearance and thus his job (and any future jobs in his field). That, in turn, would negate any alimony/child support. He made the choice for those to be the consequences. But I didn't. And neither did my children.
I stayed because we've been together for a very long time and most of that time has been worth saving. I sincerely hope our future is worth waiting for.
I stayed because I don't believe I could ever trust another man. If I made such a poor decision--ultimately--about this man, how could I do any better the next time? If this particular H could cheat, believe me, any man could cheat. He was a religious, committed, conservative, brilliant straight arrow--no alcohol, no drugs, no cigarettes, no vices I knew of.
I stayed because marriage/love are forever for me. Even after a D, I don't believe I could ever be intimate with another man. It would--bizarrely enough--seem like cheating to me.
I stayed because I felt like my children deserved to have me give the resurrection of our M my best shot. As a perfectionist, I didn't think looking in the mirror would be possible if I gave up--even when he so blatantly gave me an excuse to do so. My children needed to see, first-hand, that walking away from trouble and sorrow and challenge is NOT the solution. If this M fails, my children need to know (and me, too), all the way to their bones, that their mother did everything she could to save it.
I stayed because he recommitted to me even though he wasn't out of the fog and wasn't over her.
I stayed because I have hope and faith that things will get better. I stayed because I contributed, unknowingly, to the problems in our marriage. I stayed because we're both learning tools that could make our future better.
I stayed--even though I don't trust him and maybe never will--because what we could potentially have together is worth one more (and only one more) d-day. I can't check up on his e-mails and texts and phone calls because that's all through work and is classified. I can't catch him in more lies because he's extremely intelligent and would learn from his past mistakes about how to hide anything. I can only make judgements, daily, on his sincerity by watching how he treats us (much better than before his A), what he's giving up (certain addictions), how he's interacting with us, how he's trying to build trust (very subtle but present), and how loving/affectionate he's being with me. He's far too selfish to be that good of an actor.
I stayed because I love him.
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 3:55 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]
Such s long road though.....