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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Changes by ex
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm curious as to what others have experienced and/or what your opinions are.

My ex was never very fit or in good shape. Since the affair with OW started, and now they are pretty set in stone, I have noticed that not only has he lost an extraordinary amount of weight and works out like fiend, but now tries to look like a male model complete with tanning bed, shaving his chest, posting men's fashion on Pinterest (really???), a pod person has inhabited my ex, so that he can keep pace with a 23 year old.

Did anyone else experience similar behavior?

I have once in the past with an ex and actually he kept it up and became a marathon runner. It's like I prep my exes for success. Makes me sick.

I work out with little people crawling under me so I don't do great, but I try.

He gets a porn star little woman, no kids, a good paying job, and time to exercise and be a fashion doll.

I have kids that cry every time I do an exercise and climb me like a jungle gym, while I'm fighting to regain some dignity and self-worth in a trying time. My body did not fare well from having twins in my late thirties.
Now he's screwing someone who takes model photos in her undies, the narcissistic ________.

Just venting. I'm so mad. So sick of cheaters being rewarded when I have to fight so hard for each small measure of success.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Griefstricken25
♀ Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WXH hasnt changed, physique-wise, which actually surprises me because he's with a girl much younger as well. But he tries to dress like the young kids. It's funny. And I just saw him, after not seeing him for 2.5 years, and he's gotten really grey! He hated the tiny bit of grey when we were together (I always liked it), so it surprises me that he doesn't colour it.

All that to say, your ex is a superficial jerk. You are a loving, devoted mother with integriy and class. You are a bigger success than he will ever be. Don't give his stupidity another thought.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine always used working out as an escape, but he'd also eat a whole box of cookies after if they were in the house, so he often had at least a little pot belly.

Once he started the A he began a real regimen. Our jobs kept us apart this year, but the last time I saw him he was tan and very fit. I remember thinking he looked really good and I got a little jolt... and I hadn't thought that in YEARS. That kind of made me feel like sh*t after DDay a couple of weeks later.

But it's all just part of the delusion, actually. It might be sustainable for awhile, but I really wonder whether its just another sign of the way in which they are running... from everything and mostly themselves.

And it just sucks that you feel left with all of the responsibility while he gets to indulge. My WS also gets to go on like nothing happened, basically. His life stays in tact. We have to rebuild from the ground up.

FTG. That's really all you can say.

And see if you can find a gym that offers daycare. Some do these days. I find that yoga and pilates studios sometimes do and it's a great way to relax.

((happy))


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you are both right. It just ticks me off.

I have worked so hard, and unless you have twins or more, even if you have children born close together, it's difficult to understand how hard it is, but we all have our own troubles., don't we?

I'm angry he's suddenly making changes he had ten years to make and didn't. Now I'm the out of shape jerk who didn't handle motherhood as gracefully as his new young thing, who had two kids by two men at 21, and at 22 my husband.
I'm angry he let an affair become more important than anything else, and I truly believe him pulling this new physique is yet another way to justify bad behavior.
He had so many years to do this, but only performed a lifestyle change to impress his AP.

Oh we'll. it's saddening, but I am going to keep working on myself and to hopefully be a good mom.
I'm just sad.

Thanks for understanding where I was coming from and replying.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Sparkles
♀ Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it. It sucks. I have six year old triplets and an 8 year old. My husband started lifting those 10-15lb hand weights and wearing a stupid looking little knit hat. I thought it was silly at first but I loved him and it made me smile... well, now it makes sense.... Also a lot of "wow - can you believe *that* guy is the same age as me?" Now when I look back, I just think he's an idiot. They can bend over backwards trying to be someone else for someone else and meanwhile reject the people who truly loved them. His loss. He may not know it now, but the truth always wins out in the end.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
luv2swim
♀ Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since the affair with OW started, and now they are pretty set in stone, I have noticed that not only has he lost an extraordinary amount of weight and works out like fiend, but now tries to look like a male model complete with tanning bed, shaving his chest, posting men's fashion on Pinterest (really???), a pod person has inhabited my ex

My ex H pretty much did what you describe your H doing now. Mine actually looked good for a 52 year old, with that in-shape, never married & no kids, blond 38 yo OW next to him.

Fast forward 8 years, and he does not look so great. He is kind of paunchy with gray hair, and deep lines in his face. He looks worn out. Tired. Stressed. And kind of hunched over like he is in pain.

Our boys tell me their dad blew out his knee. Something about going to power yoga with OW (now his wife). Apparently he had to have surgery for that. And he hurt his back too. The kids say he complains a lot, and surgery may be required.

Poor fella. It sounds like a collision with the karma bus.

[This message edited by luv2swim at 1:58 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]


Me: BS
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The saddest part is that I am looking at someone I loved, and it isn't them anymore, although that doesn't stop the pain or mourning of that loss.

Triplets? Well, shut me up. Plus another? I can't imagine how hard you must work, then to support a stranger on top of it.


And I loved reading that the growing pains of an affair can sometimes procure some strained muscles. Let's hope we are all so fortunate.

I think what makes it so hard is waiting for that karma bus. For some it arrives and for some it doesn't, and none of us know ahead of time if we will feel the satisfaction of knowing that the one who hurt us is on the receiving end of that same hurt.

I can't control that, but I'm thankful I have a place to vent, and that you lovely people understood and let me do so.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Sparkles
♀ Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our boys tell me their dad blew out his knee doing power yoga with OW (now his wife), and had to have surgery for that. And then he hurt his back, and he is in pain from that.

I'm sorry Luv2swim - but this just cracked me up! I can just picture it.. I know I shouldn't laugh..


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do laugh! I love it, too!

FTG!


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
luv2swim
♀ Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rather essential to my own healing was the vision of a karma bus, circling the block, looking for worthy prey.


Me: BS
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
luv2swim
♀ Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The loss of 30 extra lbs, and increased muscle tone was nice. The shaved legs and chest/back along with the sudden switch from Boxer Joes, to marble-bag black bikini underwear was a bit much. However, I did not suspect alien involvement until I witnessed his marble-bag clad self posing in front of the floor length mirror, and exclaiming, "damn, I look good. But you know what I need, a diamond!". Upon which, the man formerly known as my husband (perhaps I should have called him "Prince"?) went over to my jewelry box, selected a modest zirconia stud, and attempted to force it through the spot where 30+ years earlier, he wore a Jimmy Buffet inspired, small gold hoop ear ring.

There is nothing like a mid-life flaming narcissist to spice up ones life!


Me: BS
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to make sure the bus at least has fuel...


And NO HE DID NOT!!!!


Talk about losing one's marbles...

We can look from the outside and say, you don't need or deserve that shit.

But, remember, you don't need or deserve that shit.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He may look good on the outside, but he is still broken on the inside. My XH has yet to act with integrity toward those who love him. Nothing has changed but the packaging. The core is still rotten, no amount of exercise, pretty clothes or plastic surgery will fix who he is.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5320 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex looked his best and happiest when with me.

Now, he looks terrible. He looks ill. My friend saw him recently, after not seeing him in a few years, and asked me if he was ill. "Does he have cancer or something? He looks terrible."

His eyes have that vacant-soul look.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3427 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is sinking as he tries to do exactly what OW wants. He looks like a jackass in the process.

When it first started, he lost a lot of weight, using the excuse that his tummy hurt every time he ate. We went to doctors and this dummy even had a dye cat scan to see what was wrong. Meanwhile, he's drinking like a fish and my gut was screaming that people with bleeding ulcers or stomach cancer can't handle a drop of alcohol.

He then started wearing that AXE crap for young boys. The day I saw him with a leather bracelet and cheap, stupid Irish ring (he's not Irish), I couldn't help but smirk. He looked like an old man stuck in a boy band.

Then, his regular old lazy self came back out. He ballooned up and everyone who saw him, including people who only knew us peripherally and never knew the whole story, said he looked sick. Fat, bloated, pasty and unkempt were the most common descriptions. That's his usual self and comes from a life of doing what he wants, when he wants, and never having to work hard.

Now, OW must have noticed how gross he was looking so he's trying his hardest to get back to what he was when they started out. She thinks she's as athletic as an Olympian and he barely got off the couch when he was here. So, he's trying to follow her lead and looks like an asshole in the process. The funniest thing I ever heard was when the kids told me she bought him a blow up canoe for his birthday. I almost pissed myself thinking of how ridiculous he will look in a rubber raft. I can't wait until he starts eating Whoppers again, exceeds the weight limit on his floatie and sinks to the bottom of whatever pond those two dumbasses try to navigate.

I agree that they all just try to run from themselves. They try to keep up the sparkly facade, and it ends up just failing by epic proportions.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2847 | Registered: Jan 2011
stillstrong
♀ Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have kids that cry every time I do an exercise and climb me like a jungle gym, while I'm fighting to regain some dignity and self-worth in a trying time

My kids did this when X bought me a keyboard for Xmas one year because I wanted to learn piano. Now my kids are older, I have a keyboard in my dining room, and a great, close relationship with both my kids.
The crying and climbing won't last long, and you'll get to exercise. Eventually, it might even be your kids who get you moving by asking to go for bike rides, or if they take up jogging.
I like PhantomLimb's suggestion, but if it's easier to work out at home, I think the kids will eventually get used to not bugging you. (I went through this with mine too, but I can't remember at what age they left me alone)


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nearly Exh is going through physical changes, but the other way...getting bigger. The pot belly is growing and people notice. There is much less hair and there is change in his demeanor and way he carries himself or stands, etc. It's not pretty.

OW is a very big person and I remember that this was a comment he made soon after dday.

He also changes glasses and haircuts and has different moods that are visible.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he was cheating with OW he would complain more often about how fat he was and how much he needed to lose weight. The frequency was the only thing different about that, he's been complaining about his weight off and on since I met him. He started exercising every night but the affair apparently didn't motivate him enough to stop eating thousands of calories in cookies every day so there wasn't any physical changes. He bought a few new hats, shirts and pants when we separated but it was the same style he has been wearing since we met the summer after our senior year in high school. However, he did start wearing underwear again after a 5+ year hiatus.

He was balding the last couple of years of our marriage and the trend continues. He is well on his way to a George Jefferson hairline now and I doubt he'd just shave it all off. He'll likely be one of those people who hold on to every shred of hair even if their hairline is further back than their ears.

He complains that he can't afford to eat but that hasn't translated into noticeable weight loss.

I know that he is desperately seeking a new host to feed off of but that "man" doesn't change for anything it seems.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep.
Ex decided to join a gym and has picked the gym over the kids several times.
OW is a runner and ex cannot run because of a torn meniscus that he decided not to get repaired. He also has sleep apnea that he thinks will be cured if he loses weight so he doesn't use his cpap machine. Also, he has high blood pressure.
He has lost maybe 15 lbs. He still has a gut and boobs. He wears clothes that are about a size too small and started going around in an Addidas running suit.
He has curly hair and when it grows long it becomes an afro. Also he is balding at the top of his head so when the afro grows he gets this ring of fuzz around his head. I told him he looks like Bozo the clown. He did not like that at all.
I am trying to get a room in my basement finished so that I can put my sister's treadmill in there and hopefully find 30 minutes a day to get on it (and continue through the winter).
He left me in part because I am overweight. He admitted it. I told him that just because OW looks good doesn't mean that her heart is not black as her soul.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1438 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
trebleclef
♀ Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the misfortune of inhabiting the same campground as XWH ( wow what satisfaction in typing "X"'at last!- but I digress) . I noticed that he has whitened his teeth to the point of grey transparency. Not an improvement. But they match his hair.

He no longer appears to be bathing in Axe as he did while cheating. Although that's a little "?" cuz he is currently cheating on OW, haha!

YOU are doing great. Inside is what REALLY matters, and you have him beat, hands down.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
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