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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Brotherly anger
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at a festival with my BH and my brother. My relationship has been contentious with my brother in adulthood. He is someone who pushes my buttons to get me upset. We used to be pretty closer, but during most if my relationship with my BH, he has been closer to my brother then I have. I do love my brother a lot.

Tonight he was giving me some shit - little things like he felt I was being condescending to my BH, which I didn't feel I was, and a few other things.

I just said to my BH "I don't think my brother loves me." My BH said that he doesn't think my brother loves me either. My BH said my relationship with my brother hasn't been good so my brother finding out about my betrayal didn't help the situation. My brother and his wife are moving at the end of the month, and my BH told me that my brother doesn't want me to visit. I started to get reasonably upset to which my BH replied that he STILL doesn't know how I could have done this. I'm so hurt but I guess it's justifiable. I'm literally hiding in a porta-pot crying as to not cause any drama with them.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 9:50 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're hurting pizzalover. I hope your night gets better.

(((Pizzalover)))


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sounds hard, pizzalover.

How is work on yourself going? Are you in IC? Are you any closer to figuring out why you did what you did? Focus on those things. Your brother may or may not come around, but the important thing is that you figure out your behaviour and become a better person.

((pizzalover))


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From your recent "Paranoid about running into AP and his wife" thread (I assume referring to this same festival) to this thread I just gotta wonder, PL.

Family triggers. Your BS triggering. You hiding in a porta potty. I'm afraid to ask if any AP sightings were next.

You gave us reasons (sounding like rationalizations IMHO) as to why going was so etched in stone.

You put this festival in front of your healthy recovery, IMHO.

Sorry to be harsh sounding, but I both feel and relate to your choice....and only hope if I'm in similar shoes I'll be making the one and only choice I should be making - the one that supports, nurtures, and moves forward my healthy recovery.

I wasn't surprised to hear your husband's words to you.

Full disclosure...I'm far from perfect, I'm stubborn, I'm arrogant, I'm selfish, I'm stupid, and I need to listen and learn from everyone on this site. And follow those who have already blazed a trail through the jungle of infidelity. There are trails here, PL. are you going to walk them to YOUR happy place?!?!

I WILL be rooting for you. JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight he was giving me some shit - little things like he felt I was being condescending to my BH, which I didn't feel I was, and a few other things.

What did your BS think about your comments? Did he feel the same way, say something, and your brother decided to stick up for him?

Personally, I think you going to the festival, fully aware of the possible dangers, hurts, and triggers, was terribly condescending of you. You rationalized your way into going. Are you pleased with the results?

An already strained relationship is going to most likely get worse when you throw infidelity in the mix. The destructive nature of affairs leaves a lot of damage in its wake. Often we don't realize how much so till we're standing in the midst of rubble thinking, "Well I thought this was a fun little water balloon, not an atomic bomb."

Your relationship with your brother may or may not improved. You cannot control your brother any more than he can control you. Not much of a consolation, I know. Keep working on yourself and your relationship with your husband.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grapefruit

How is work on yourself going? Are you in IC? Are you any closer to figuring out why you did what you did? Focus on those things. Your brother may or may not come around, but the important thing is that you figure out your behaviour and become a better person

I go to IC twice a week and MC once. Yes, I'm definitely working on myself. I figured out some reasons for the affair: (1) extreme neediness, (2) desperate need for male (and a lot of the time female approval), (3) easily latching onto people, even if the latching isn't very healthy. What I haven't figured out is WHY I'm so needy, WHY I need male approval, and WHY I latch on so quickly. Also, I need to figure out how I disregarded the AP's wife while latching on to her as well.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JD
From your recent "Paranoid about running into AP and his wife" thread (I assume referring to this same festival) to this thread I just gotta wonder, PL.

Yes, the same one.


Family triggers. Your BS triggering. You hiding in a porta potty. I'm afraid to ask if any AP sightings were next.

You gave us reasons (sounding like rationalizations IMHO) as to why going was so etched in stone.

You put this festival in front of your healthy recovery, IMHO.

We didn't run into my AP and his wife - so glad about that. I wanted to go for my BH - he loves going and I didn't want to take this away from him from what I did. Plus, i wanted him to be able to drink and hang out with friends making me his DD. Honesty, I wouldn't have minded NOT going.
I thought it would have been good to hang out w/ my brother, but it's too soon. He's triggering by my actions. So, you're right: It was NOT healthy for me to be there. I'm not sure it was healthy for my BH either, but he said it was fun!


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is someone who pushes my buttons to get me upset.

If someone pushes your buttons, sometimes it's better to get rid of the buttons instead of trying to change the other person.

Your brother is teaching you a lot about yourself. Think of him as your spiritual teacher, instead of a rival. The next time he makes you upset, try to understand why it makes you suffer. Then you can thank him for helping you to become a more compassionate and loving person.

I'm assuming you've already tried getting angry and becoming upset with him? This approach rarely improves things. It may be time to try a different approach to your old patterns of coping. I recommend the following book to help you learn some new ways of dealing with old issues:
The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 2:25 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5622 | Registered: Aug 2007
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What did your BS think about your comments? Did he feel the same way, say something, and your brother decided to stick up for him?

So here's what happened: We were walking along and it was crowded. My BH stopped to talk to someone (I wasn't sure who it was) and I wanted to stay with him, but my brother told me to keep walking. I was worried about losing my BH in the crowd, so I stopped walking where it cleared up a bit. My BH had said earlier that his phone had died, so I was concerned that he wouldn't find us. We had planned to stop at a french fry stand, but I wasn't sure if he would end up there. I walked back to try to find him but I coudn't. I ended up going to the french fry stand where my brother was waiting. My phone rang a little while later and it was my BH. I was relieved to hear from him, so I quickly said, "We're at such and such french fry stand." to which my BH replied okay. When I hung up, my bro felt I was condescending to my BH. He felt I should have answered the phone politely instead of acting rude. When my BH came over to us, I profusely apologized, but he really didn't know what I was talking about. He didn't think I was being rude.

Personally, I think you going to the festival, fully aware of the possible dangers, hurts, and triggers, was terribly condescending of you. You rationalized your way into going. Are you pleased with the results?

I didn't feel I was condescending going - I did it for my BH. I was okay after it was all over because we had no run-ins, but I would have rather stayed at home.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If someone pushes your buttons, sometimes it's better to get rid of the buttons instead of trying to change the other person.

Your brother is teaching you a lot about yourself. Think of him as your spiritual teacher, instead of a rival. The next time he makes you upset, try to understand why it makes you suffer. Then you can thank him for helping you to become a more compassionate and loving person.

I realized that right now in my life, I need to focus on getting myself healthy and focusing on my BH. It's not very healthy for me to be around my brother, and that relationship may had already been beyond repair before the D-day. I hope one day we can start to road to recovery with him.

I'm assuming you've already tried getting angry and becoming upset with him? This approach rarely improves things. It may be time to try a different approach to your old patterns of coping. I recommend the following book to help you learn some new ways of dealing with old issues:
The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

I constantly get angry and upset with him. I will check out the book. THANKS!


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Bloomsday
♂ Member
Member # 40275
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your issues are between you and H. Brother is being a jerk. His moving is a good opportunity to let things rest and focus on you and H.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Aug 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((PL)))

Look at your brother and how he has treated you all these years while being married to your BH. Sweetie no wonder you cling to people your own brother rejects you. That is how you feel. Keep working in counseling love yourself.. Come here and talk to us. Good luck...


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bloomsday and Heartache - thanks! I've decided I need to get better before I try to repair my relationship with my brother. Even though it hurts, if he doesn't want me in his life, I can't do anything about it. I can't change the way he feels. I need to heal myself and BH. That's my priority.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 13

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