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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Could use some advice
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed and Wayward spouses welcome to respond.

In conversation today with my BW, she said the following things to me (apologies as these may not be 100% accurate in the quotes)
"I married you because you were more moral than everyone else."
"I thought you were a paladin type."
"Are you really just one of the sheeple?"
"I don't know who you are."

This was all surrounding my lack of good answers about a couple of things. My affair partner and her husband were friends of ours. They are polyamorous and her husband was complicit in the emotional affair and in our one physical encounter. So really, this is a triple betrayal for my wife.

In the days immediately after D-day I TT'd. First, confessing physical affair and then she found out about the emotional affair by reading my email. I hadn't done 'no contact' yet. The only things that I had done right at that point were to confess and to end the affair but I made a hash of that.
In the first few days, I was still holding out irrational hope that the friendships could be saved. Yes, I was being a cakeeater.

So, BW understands the AP having a physical encounter with me, that kind of thing happens in the world, as evidenced by the 40,000+ members on this site. (Understanding not being equivalent to approval)
Today's infuriation is about the AP's husband approving of our encounter in betrayal of his friendship with her and my desire, at the time, to try to preserve the friendship.
The point of contention about me is how could I have been so blind to the AP's husband's betrayal of my wife and been willing to consider preservation of that friendship at all.

Also, in larger terms, how could I have been so blind to the evolution of my emotional affair in the first place?

I want to make it clear, that this is not some minor technical point of argument, nor is it a random quibble on her part. We are both well educated and strongly committed to proactive ethical engagement in life. We have collectively and individually taken numerous ethical stands in our social organizations, professional lives and personal relationships. Being in touch with our moral compasses and taking action has been a cornerstone of our marriage. We have said for years "We don't do the Bystander Effect" and proven it over and over.

So, in all gravity, I don't have an answer to how I could have been so blind to the shifting of walls and windows in my heart. My best answer about how I was initially blind to the AP's husband's betrayal was that I was bound up in my own grief and remorse. These answers aren't good enough.

I'm really not sure what to do or say from here. I'm not willing to fabricate something and I'm still committed to ethical action, being faithful to my wife in the future and building structures and maintenance around my heart. I know that understanding reasons is not the same thing as excuses, but how -can- I offer any surety about right thought and right action in the future when this slipped in under my awareness?


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 244 | Registered: Aug 2013
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting story.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Rings a lot like your story.

Sound like you've been 'involved' for most of your life.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but their are no "higher" answers about committing adultery.

You can't have others convictions, you can only have your own!

Right thoughts and answers begin with establishing healthy boundaries.

Choosing to eliminate friendships with people that have no marital boundaries is a great place to begin.

[This message edited by Card at 8:41 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to make it clear, that this is not some minor technical point of argument, nor is it a random quibble on her part. We are both well educated and strongly committed to proactive ethical engagement in life. We have collectively and individually taken numerous ethical stands in our social organizations, professional lives and personal relationships. Being in touch with our moral compasses and taking action has been a cornerstone of our marriage. We have said for years "We don't do the Bystander Effect" and proven it over and over.

So I would suggest you start with the Pedestal Thinking. Doesn't really matter if we were saving homeless orphans with solar grown sustainable vegan nuggets. All of us, prince and proletariat, may be capable of cheating. Reconciling that in your head may be difficult, particularly if your wife enables this sense of moral superiority or idealism.

Can you appreciate that your tone comes off just a wee bit pompous?

I believe that those of us who have held ourselves, or been held, to a pedestal, fall hard. Either that, or we refuse to get off the damn pedestal. It is hard to be perfect when we know we aren't.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1986 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are both well educated and strongly committed to proactive ethical engagement in life. We have collectively and individually taken numerous ethical stands in our social organizations, professional lives and personal relationships

Totally relate to this. Not real uncommon. To be honest, I don't know how much is the focus on ethics and how much is the thrill of risk.

Think about it, standing up is standing out as well. Fighting is a rush. It's even more so if you can work out continuing filling pustules of rage while doing it. I didn't even have to like the people I was fighting for. Also didn't have to win. Got my ass kicked more than a few time. It seems those little mf'ers don't use the movie etiquette of waiting their turn to hit ya.

You can get complacent and self congratulating as well. It creates a deluded sense of superiority that none of us really possess. Them's us and accepting that humbles as well as puts you on internal patrol. Finding demons to fight in us is where we need to start before we take up our moral crusade flags.

Read any biography of famous "saints". Their sins are many. Reassuring and cautionary.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 2:56 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

uncertainone-
Nicely stated. I've always said my particular sin was pride. I guess that it's still true.

Thanks folks.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 244 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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