My partner did some soliciting on criagslist and spent A LOT of money on weekend trips with random women and some Long Term Affairs. He also frequented some Swinger Websites and One Night Stand apps on his phone.
Have you gone to any sort of therapy?
[This message edited by Schilling at 12:10 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]
I wouldn't believe the "no sex" thing at this point and I would protect yourself. You both need to get tested for STD's, and until you've had more time to suss out exactly how much of the story he's giving you I would be very careful. AM isn't usually where people go to bake cupcakes and discuss literature.
The weekends are a little slow but I'm sure members with direct experience will be along soon to share and help.
My H used Craigslist & Backpage. Vile & evil sites of any definition. We are almost 6 months out from discovery & now I know this kind of activity started way before the convenience the Internet provides.
Please see your Dr. ASAP for a full panel STD screening. He needs to do the same and dont have sex with him until you see his results on paper! He will tell you anything to cover his ass right now. I say this gently...please prepare yourself for more. It's highly unlikely that this just started a month ago.
Call first thing Monday am to start finding a counselor who specializes in infidelity. It is invaluable to helping you reclaim your life. Don't believe anything he says right now. He is in damage control mode & will say whatever he thinks you want to hear. Always remember that cheaters lie! Always!
How long have you been together? Any children? Your priority right now is you. Don't try to comfort him or "be there" for him. He will try to turn the tables to suggest its partially your fault. It isn't! You may not have been perfect but you had nothing to do with this, protect yourself.
Eat when you can but, work on drinking plenty of fluids to stay hydrated. Your body is under tremendous stress right now and needs nourishment so you can think as clearly as possible.
I hate anyone has to know this pain and I'm so sorry you have to be here but, you will never find more support than you can get here. The people here know your pain and have so much insight and good advice so please kept posting. Feel free to pm me if I can help you in any way!
You need to take off your rose-colored glasses, Hon. People do not sign up for AM and go out on AM dates only to have a fine dining experience. There is only one reason for AM, and that is to screw people with no strings attached. If your husband went on dates, he was also having some form of sexual contact. I'm so sorry. You need to understand that cheaters lie. They lie in order to make the cheating possible, then they lie to keep you from finding out. They lie when caught so the full extent of their cheating isn't revealed. You are being gaslit.
[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 6:21 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]
My XWH met his now "Owife" (what we call the OW who then becomes the wife) on AM. He told me all sorts of lies at first. He said that he "only" signed up for cybersex and that they "only" met in person a couple of times. He then said that they "only" kissed once, and then he pushed her away since he realized it was wrong.
Well, that was nothing but TT (trickle truth) because when I finally started grilling him, the story became this:
They met on AM, started meeting IRL to have unprotected sex on many occasions over the course of several months, and it only came to a temporary halt because I discovered it.
You need to get tested for STDs. I thought that my ex had just made a stupid mistake. Instead, I learned that he put my health in jeopardy and had spent at least several hundred dollars of our money (and that's only what I could trace-- there could have been much more in cash or on secret credit cards) on his A.
Take care of yourself. It was devastating for me to learn about my then-husband's involvement with AM. It is a truly disgusting site frequented by immoral, narcissistic people. My XWH's deliberate, premeditated choice to frequent AM was a huge factor in my leaving him. While no A is more or less painful than another, there's something very cold and calculating about a person who makes up his/her mind to have an A before even meeting an AP.
When I saw your post, I had to log in. I beg you not to believe a word of what he is saying. He is lying.
At this moment, YOU have the upper hand in this situation. You must be strong and INSIST on his being tested, and INSIST on complete truth. And sadly, the only way he is going to believe you mean business is for you to see a lawyer, kick him out and start the 180. Now, that said, none of what I have mentioned can not be undone if he should finally come clean, and you decide to R. But for now, you must take harsh and definitive action, and you can NOT back down until he has satisfied your requirements to for R.
For him to refuse to be tested for STD's is despicable. Even if what he has been telling you is the truth, and he has not had sex, then why not be tested if it would make you feel better? By refusing he is telling you he does not value your health or sanity. He is behaving like a pig. Treat him as such.
A lawyer needs to advise you on what your rights are in the event of D. You must protect yourself financially as well as physically. Men do not spent the amount of money he has spent, and not get something for it. In your profile you mentioned he had an A 5 yrs ago, why do you believe what he is saying now? Cheaters lie sweetie. And lie, and lie, and lie some more.
You MUST get angry, and take the reins in this situation.
If he values you and the marriage, he WILL comply with everything you are asking. If he does not, then you have your answer.
Get strong. Get mean. And do NOT believe his bullshit.
Oh, and by the way, you have the right to ask, and expect answers to every single question you have even if you ask them 1000 times a day. And if he is truly remorseful, he will answer.
Don't accept anything less.
Again, I am so sorry.
Strike now while the iron is hot. If you let the TTing go on now, and accept his bullshit you will NEVER get answers. It will only continue, and get more and more difficult.
There is something you can do to help get more info on whether or not it was sexual. PM me if you want more ideas.
In my experience, anger was a defensive reaction when he was hiding info. Once he came clean and fully realized what he had done the anger left him like a sigh. So far it hasn't returned.
I think you need to put your foot down about the anger. It is his way of bullying you into not talking about the A's. Tell him if he raises his voice or acts angry he can march his sorry butt right out of the house.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. :(