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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Awfully heartbreaking
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still unpacking final things after the move. I had one big photo printed of stbx and my son so I can put it up in his room. stbx remains his daddy no matter what has happened. The photo was laid out on the floor with others as I'm putting everything in frames. My 17 month old son just lay his head on it and started crying heavily. Kept trying to climb up on photo as if he was trying to get in it to daddy. My heart is breaking.

Everyone told me he is too young to mind but clearly he misses his dad. I acknowledged his feelings and just sat with him trying to console him. I also read him the letter his dad wrote explaining that he has to work on himself, loves our son and this separation is not due to him but obviously being so young he doesn't understand the full picture. We prepared him as much as possible for the move (talking about it a lot, saying bye to everything) explaining in simple terms what is to come. (Followed child psychologist advice on how to deal with the change for him) It's been a crazy week with all the unpacking so he is clearly confused and tired and everything is new and strange and different.

I feel like the worst mother ever. My poor innocent son is suffering and I can't do much about it. I worked so hard to create a relationship between him and his dad during the false recoveries. Even though stbx isn't a good influence my son was/is attached to him. They spent every day together since his birth too (after stbx came back from work it was daddy time)

I don't know what this post can help. This just sucks. My wonderful precious son deserves better. He deserves an intact, safe home. I feel I'm failing him. I failed him by not choosing a better husband and father.

It was so incredibly heartbreaking to see the way he tried to get in that picture :cry

Should I have tried harder at reconciliation? Suddenly I'm questioning everything and just want to give my son an intact home with mommy and daddy.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And then there's this telling me how much a child needs a father too: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_daddy_brain

Feeling hopeless to give my son what he deserves and needs. I want the best for him. Not for him to be set back in life due to all this crap.

Infidelity sucks. It just isn't worth all this pain and destruction. Why the fuckers do it is incomprehensible

Sorry having a bad day.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are hurting. I know right where you are.

Gently, kids at that age rely on non-verbal cues. He is watching you all of the time. For guidance, reassurance. You are in a great deal of pain right now and he is mirroring and/or reacting to it.

My youngest was 18m on DD. After a sleepless night I went in to wake them the next morning. I had my best fake smile on and put on a great show. My then 4 year old bought it and was really happy excited.

My then 18m old kept looking at me with this perplexed look on her face. She did it for several weeks. She got really clingy and her behaviour changed - she was stressed and angry.

These were not her emotions over what was going - she was picking up on the tension and my very very raw state of mind at that time.

As you said he still has a daddy. He will likely get more/better quality time with him (in an ideal world).

You can't see this right now but life is so much more joyful when that drama/tension is removed. Again, in an ideal world both parents really want to invest in quality time with their kids that was taken for granted when we're with them 24.7.

I am a far better mother in S/D than I was in the M. Because I appreciate these amazing little girls and my precious time with them. Because I'm no longer in crazy-making limbo land. Because I am not being emotionally abused nor am I rugsweeping/gaslighting myself.

I am free.

It hard to deal with our children's pain whilst feeling like we are dying ourselves. It is very important to not interpret their emotional or verbal expressions through our lens of pain.

Easier said than done - I still struggle with this myself.

He deserves an intact, safe home. I feel I'm failing him. I failed him by not choosing a better husband and father.

I've posted this many many times myself. Reaching acceptance has been painful but essential.

My little family is intact - more intact with this new composition than it was when we were 'intact' in the traditional sense. I'm still working on hating myself for choosing so poorly. That is going to take a little longer to get through.

((BrokenDaisy)) You have been through the worst of it. Now is the acceptance/rebirth phase - I won't lie, it is enormously painful. More painful than anything else because I no longer had 'hope' to put on my wounds as a bandaid.

But I will say I came out of it..... I don't know how to describe it. Clean? Light? Bendy? It was a seismic change. I was no longer a tight ball of twisted rubber bands and I have seen a huge difference in my girls.

Lean into the pain when it gets bad. Please know it won't always hurt this much.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((BrokenDaisy))))))

I soooooooo get what you are feeling. Teslet had just turned 3 when ex-shat left and I'll never forget my child telling me, "Daddy forgot me."

You are not the failure. Repeat that. A. Lot.
Hold him and love him. Be there for that little guy. Let him throw all that sadness on you because you would rather it go out of him and to you than stay bundled up inside.

You are stronger than you know and you will be able to raise him with a part time dad. I don't give a fuck what anyone says, I am a better father to my son than his real dad is to him. Seriously. That article is looking at the effects associated with a stay at home dad. It doesn't sound like your stbx was. Children need parents that are nurturing and involved. That nurturing, involved parent can be male or female. There are fabulous examples on this board of both single dads and single moms taking on both parental roles to fill their childrens' needs.

I have found a couple of good male role models to fill in the gaps where I can't. It can work, Daisy! Don't get down on yourself or beat yourself up over it. That little boy is going to be just fine because you love him and are going to do right by him!


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4693 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fDH walked out when our BD was 10months. She then had to adapt to being shuttled between our 2 homes and then a babysitter. Talk about a change to her schedule! I bought her a stuffed monkey that went everywhere with her. It was the one thing that was constant in her life. Now she is 4 and that monkey is her friend, sleeping buddy and all around best thing I ever did for her.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((BD))

I'm so sorry you and your son are hurting. These first days are likely the hardest, and you won't always feel this sad.

I also feel I failed my kids by my choice of their father. My aim is to make the best of a bad situation.

My WH and his many OW were selfishly blind to the chaos and damage they unleashed on the lives of innocent children. I fought for years for home and family while WH and OW were off in their fantasy world.

But don't kid yourself like I did and foolishly try to hold a marriage together singlehandedly. It can't be done. I simply had no choice but to finally recognize I don't have a M. I fought it with everything I had, but in the end nothing I did made any difference. WH was too far gone in affairland to ever come back.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replies everyone. I'm actually convinced stbx and I can't salvage anything because he just cant but when I saw my son like that I just wanted to give him what he wanted. I don't miss stbx and I am actually relieved to be rid of him. I've reached acceptance of him not being who I thought. He pushed me far enough during the many false recoveries.

What is getting me is when my son seems to want him and I cant give him the father he deserves. However I know what is best for him and it is to NOT have the daily influence of stbxwh. I have full custody. Stbx will see him once a month under supervision. So my main struggles and fears currently is if I'm going to be able to raise him as he deserves by myself. Give him all he needs. I just want what is best for him. He is why I stayed for 19 months (trying the whole "intact" family thing) but he is also why I left because i realized his dad can't give him what a father should and that will do more damage than good. Now I'm just feeling the pressure of making up for a father for him. IYKWIM?

I know all this is the right move and best I can do with what life has given me but when he was crying with that picture I just wanted to do MORE. Give him a daddy.

I want to answer more thoroughly but don't have the time currently. I'll try and address each post later. Thanks again.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 7

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