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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Virtual Hugs
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP

[This message edited by tired girl at 3:12 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5056 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No hives yet. Just a nervous twitch.

Ditto TG.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LAWD girl. What am I going to do with you?!


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Feb 2010
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QS learned to accept my non-touchy quirks.

You can have one bona fide hug. Then we're good for....oh, life.

In all seriousness, thank you everyone for weighing in. Interesting opinions. Thanks for the discussion y'all.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not a hugger in real life. Except for dogs. I have no problem hugging dogs.

Here though it's different. Like many others have said, it's a way of letting others know that someone is there. They aren't alone. Very often I couldn't find the words to say anything useful, but ((())) to me expresses caring.

In my time here I've ((())) men, women, BS, WS, all of the above. I've felt deeply for their situations and wanted to let them know that someone cared.

I actually though about this for a while a few years ago and got to the root of why I needed to let people know that someone was there for them. I still remember being a young child getting released from the hospital waiting for my parents to get there so I could go home. That 37 hours (which was actually about 15 minutes) were very lonely, and I still remember it 30+ years later. I remember the relief when the walked in the door.

I also remember how lost and lonely I was when I found SI. I remember the relief when Meta and Rainedon responded to my first post. While I can never arise to their level of empathy and wisdom, I can let people know that they aren't alone


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37370 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j WH5, I remember our first g2g at your house---when LD and I got there I hugged BR and then you. When I approached you and leaned in for the hug, you had this look on your face and you said quietly something like, "Oh, a hug," so matter of factly. I think you were surprised, and maybe a little uncomfortable. I think I was still a work-in-progress boundary-wise
end t/j


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37981 | Registered: Sep 2007
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't equate virtual hugs with IRL hugs......I'm more in the 'it's empathy' school.

However, that being said, I do give IRL hugs to females and males if the situation seems to warrant it. It does not seem at all sexual, just 'human', IYKWIM......

Where I live, you greet acquaintances with handshakes and friends with 3 cheek kisses (left - right - left), male or female. (Usually if it's 2 males they shake hands, but sometimes they do the kisses, depends on level of closeness.) Again, most definitely NOT sexual.

In fact, my husband doing these kind of 'protocol'-type kisses does not bother me AT ALL. When I asked him if he ever kissed his (EA) AP, I specifically EXCLUDED this type of kiss because it is NOT AT ALL romantic. And there is less body contact with these kisses than with a hug.

That being said: what is important is that you and QS agree on (both of) your boundaries, including your internet behavior. I admire you greatly - I wish my WH would have been capable of the introspection and work you have done - and your opinion about virtual hugs is certainly valid.

I am also among those who felt something special when I received virtual hugs from SI members.

I mostly give virtual hugs to BS, almost never to WS, and sometimes but not often to MH. I do try to offer support or advice to WS when I feel I have something to say, but I don't feel especially huggy towards most WS, especially those who do not seem to have become remorseful.

tj @UO: a little pedantic, but it would sound more natural to say 'vous venez de France' (not vous êtes de France), or perhaps 'vous êtes français') if you are wondering if the person is French...
/tj


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2604 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hug and kiss my friends I haven't seen in awhile. My BFF's get a hug every time and I grew up in a touchy family where hugs and cuddles were common. SO and I used to cuddle all the time but lately if your a new acquaintance I wave. I say hi. Hugs are saved for the folks I named above now and unless you get on their level which would take awhile your not getting one. I do virtual hugs sometimes to the women and even then have been unsure if I'm crossing a boundary...so I see where you're coming from.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*sigh* You're going to make me feel bad and hug you. Dang it.

Hope you've had all your shots.

Love the clip. That show still on????

TG and I hug puppies. That counts as having a pulse right?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not touchy-feely.

And you call yourself southern.

I give you virtual hugs all the time, but I wouldn't IRL. So don't expect it cuz it's not gonna happen. I'm not touchy-feely either.

We met and I was thinking am I expected to hug?....or a hearty handshake?....too much time has passed, now what....this is awkward, does she think it's awkward too? At least Gonna came at you with a plan.

Wifehad5 pretty much summed it up for me. I love dogs.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uncertainone- it's not on right now. The show is between seasons. But I got hooked on it.

The plot line is good. But Jensen Ackles(aka Dean Winchester)!!!! ::swoon::

End t/j


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Feb 2010
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tj @UO: a little pedantic, but it would sound more natural to say 'vous venez de France' (not vous êtes de France), or perhaps 'vous êtes français') if you are wondering if the person is French...

Actually, I was asking if he was from France and that's how I learned it. Wasn't corrected over there so thank you for the clarification. I would hate to be pedantic.

My grammar and spelling are not great in any language.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IRL, I'm a hand shaker. I've had people go in for the hug and almost get speared in the ribs by my proffered hand.

I'm awkward with folks I'm not close to IRL when it comes to hugging. If we had some other way of putting it on here that would get the empathy across, I would go with that. The virtual hug gets that across, and I guess I don't think of it as flirty or as having otherwise improper boundaries because I know exactly what I'm like IRL. We had one guy at my g2g, and he got handshakes from me; in fact, when I first met the women at my g2g, they all got initial handshakes, and then we hugged goodbye after our weekend of bonding.

Anyhoo, no one's gotten fresh with me over my hugging on here because then I would be sending out virtual face slaps and challenging them to virtual duels.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
ResoluteH
♂ New Member
Member # 39673
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a newbie to the site, but in my opinion you should not give a hug -- virtual or physical -- to anyone unless you know your spouse would be okay with it AND you know that the other person's spouse would be okay with it -- and on this site, it's unlikely that you can possibly know the latter.

[This message edited by ResoluteH at 2:10 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Resolute Husband

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tj again:
Wasn't corrected over there

Oh people would understand you, but (at least where I live) that would not be the way they would say it themselves.

/pedantry


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2604 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hug everybody, for me it isn't sexual,flirty, it is more we're navigating this quagmire together-here's my support.

IRL I may or may not hug in person, it all depends on the people, the situation, how I'm feeling,and boundaries.

I used to be a hugger , I sometimes miss that girl.

Hugs

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5256 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not touchy-feely.

And you call yourself southern.

What an oxymoron eh?

We met and I was thinking am I expected to hug?....or a hearty handshake?....too much time has passed, now what....this is awkward, does she think it's awkward too?
I was thinking the exact same thing!

Several posters have made comments about the sexual/flirty/inappropriateness of hugs. I'm not saying that that's the case. People here receive hundreds of hugs a day and nothing comes of it. The hugs I have received, I've not thought, "Whoaaaa, hubba hubba. *Male username* is hugging me." But because I interpret hugs as literal, it makes me very uncomfortable. Hugs were step 1 in the process for me.

but in my opinion you should not give a hug -- virtual or physical -- to anyone unless you know your spouse would be okay with it AND you know that the other person's spouse would be okay with it -- and on this site, it's unlikely that you can possibly know the latter.
I'm more inclined to agree. You're right. Knowing how both spouses feel about it would be virtually impossible. Maybe BSs are here without their spouses knowledge. With their spouse cheating, they no longer have to be open to their WS about anything, real life or virtual. They go into protection mode. There's BS and WS couples here that prefer not to know each other's usernames or make it public. There's BS and WS that everyone knows is a couple. So yeah, no real way of knowing who feels ok with hugs or not.

I prefer not to lay a hug upside a guy out of respect for myself, my husband, the man, and his wife who may or may not be on SI.

Thanks again for everyone who replied.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh people would understand you, but (at least where I live) that would not be the way they would say it themselves.

Just as I don't correct my friends when they travel here. Guess I can be polite at times

Merci. (I hope that's correct )


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie, was kinda watching this thread for more info. Glad it looks like you have just progressed enough to be thinking about this sort of stuff instead of always dealing with big issues. like Hank Scorpio said:
Can't argue with the little things, it's the little things that make up life.
I see both sides of this, because I have always fallen into the "it's shorthand for..." category, but felt uncomfortable because I wondered if everyone else realized it was shorthand...

Now to join the t/j
A few years ago, we had a discussion about what constituted inappropriate bad language, and the consensus was that I believed that meant french. Now if the school systems did not have that complete meltdown in teaching standards 1400 years ago, it would be clear that the proper way to say it is "Tu e Gallia"


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a sign-off, a way to say, "I empathize with you, you aren't alone."

This is how I feel, and I don't think I seriously even bother to consider the gender, if and when I give a virtual hug, but I cannot specifically think of a time that I gave a man a virtual hug on SI, but I probably have.

To me it is nothing close to a real live hug. But of course, that is why I don't relate with why stuff like sexting is so popular in the real world. I am a "real thing" kind of woman even though I am very much into computers and make my living using the Internet, computers and technology. I understand what words and symbols represent, but they don't look and feel the same to me as the "real thing."


I Skype with my grandchildren, and will admit I felt something almost close to a hug when my grandson and I crossed our arms over ourselves during a Skype hug as we were saying goodbye! But even that is more than ((((some_name)))).

In real life, I am not a huggy person. I try not to get all weird about it when huggy people hug me, though! I am very huggy and touchy with my husband, and he is with me also, but I reserve that mostly for my children, grandchildren and spouse. I rarely hug my own siblings and have never hugged, or received a hug from my father in my life, even though he and my mother remained married until she died. I'm sure my mother must have hugged me but I don't really remember it. In her later years, we hugged upon parting, mutually, I guess, but even that felt a little "forced" to me. Even though that is my experience, at the same time I don't think anyone SHOULD feel uncomfortable hugging their parents or siblings. Unfortunately, I was raised in a hugless environment and it definitely has an effect.

Virtual hugs don't bother me but I am annoyed by strangers who call everybody "honey" or "sweetie." It is done a ton on this forum, probably more women to women, but I still don't care for it. Just like in real life, I try not to get weird with those who hug more than I'm comfortable with, I quietly tolerate those that call everybody honey or sweetie. To me, it is actually kind of condescending. And depending on the context, sometimes it is not "kind of" condescending but downright condescending, in the cases where the post is actually a 2x4 of sorts but starts out with "Honey...you need to blah blah blah..."

Not sure what my point is here, other than no, I don't equate virtual hugs with real hugs!

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 8:34 AM, August 12th (Monday)]


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