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Newest Member: madattheworld (45057)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He says he loves us every night....
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...as he walks out the door.

This is so tough. I'm trying with my 180 and have been doing a good job, but the "I love you guys" every night as he walks out the door are killing me. Last week I thought I was emotionally numb because I haven't been as emotional as I've been accustomed to in the last 5 months. I just stopped TRYING to make the relationship work. He went to MC with me a few times and he was never really all in. I couldn't get passed the blame shifting and the justifications...and God forbid I get angry (which of course I did). He took my anger for a while, but after an incident a little over a month ago he backed away from me completely and I had to do a hard 180.

I guess I just need some advice, support, help....

It turns out that I'm not emotionally numb. I cried all night last night. Today I'm better and have focused on work and what I need to do when I get home tonight to start the baby on solids. I have some plans for the weekend, but the longing I feel for my WS and our family that never was is overwhelming today.

It's so hard...when he says I love you and I love you guys it makes it so difficult for me. The one thing I want more than anything is to have my family in one piece...and we never got to be a family.

Tell me some truths people. I'm feeling very vulnerable and I know I can't DO anything...I have to keep 180ing but it's hard. I've spent the whole day thinking of "what ifs"....what if we do things together as a family, what if he wants to come home, what if he never comes back....


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NewMom)))

I've got no wise words for you. I used to have these merry-go-round thoughts after dday with the what ifs? and the maybe we cans? and perhaps he'lls?

It never worked. Time showed that his actions never, not once, matched up to his words. Time also showed that if there were changes in behavior, they were only temporary, but if pressure was applied, he'd lapse back into his old self.

I finally just decided that I needed to value myself more. I also began to see that keeping my "family" together was more detrimental to my child, who was seeing his mom and dad constantly at each other's throats. DS would play peacekeeper, often telling us to "be nice." That was what finally broke my resistance. I was afraid of change, of upsetting the apple cart. I was scared I wouldn't make it. Once I saw DS playing peacekeeper, I found the resolve deep inside to get out, FOR him.

I'm so glad I finally saw the situation for the toxic mess that it was.

(((NewMom)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 3:07 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1255 | Registered: Feb 2010
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Words really have no meaning when there is still blaming and not even owning his own shitmess he made of the family.

What could of, should haves, and what will be are part of the breaking up process.

The man you knew when you married him isn't the truth.I think if that isn't the truth then the I love yous aren't either.
Many peoplewhen they think they are losing you from you doing the 180 will try to guilt you or be really nice for awhile. But watch out when that doesn't work, they can become very nasty.
Hugs
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20377 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks! I needed that. The 180 makes me calmer and nicer to him than I've been throughout this whole thing. That in turn is making him nicer to me. I keep trying to see him as the man who drops my baby off for me at night. That makes things easier for me...but it's the I love you guys thing that is killing me.

It's so much easier when I'm driven by my anger or disappointment. But the 180 just calmed the stormy seas. He never wanted to own his stuff. I'm glad he can't see me wavering and it's just an internal struggle. I know I'll get through this, but it's hard to ignore the tugging at my heartstrings.

But I will not falter...I'll keep 180ing for my own sanity. Eventually I'll get the courage to go see an attorney. My IC, my mom, everyone...they all say I don't have to rush it.

Thank you for the advice. I just need to hear it even though I already know his words are just meaningless crumbs.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You could ask him to stop saying it. Just a thought. It is as easy as:

"Please. Stop saying that."


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, NewMom0220!

I'm not sure if my advice/observations will be helpful, but I wanted to interact to let you know I remain interested and committed to what you're going through.

First, before you ever referenced it, your post made me think of your previous post about feeling numb. I remember writing something to you about how I thought I was in the same place and then found myself having a 5am nervous breakdown a week ago.

I'm actually glad to hear you had another "rupture" of some kind and gave yourself permission to just let loose with your grief and pain. Get it out. You don't have to be strong 24/7. Letting yourself feel the pain and cry literally releases those chemicals from your body and you can't help but feel a little stronger/better/whathaveyou afterwards on some level. And you don't want to bottle things up because when there is a break/trigger, you don't want to be caught off guard by your reaction.

Second, this does sound like a version of cake eating to me... but maybe not a typical one. What he has done to you is SOOOOO awful that I can't imagine that he actually wants R or believes it's truly possible. But I picture myself in his shoes, leaving you and his baby for the night, looking back at the two of you as he hits the door, and he just happens to be human enough to recognize what a beautiful sight that must be and feels love. Who wouldn't? It's like he has you in a little box or snowglobe that he can look at when he wants to because he doesn't yet have to face D paperwork or you with a new partner or the rest.

And then he gets to go off and still live his crazy double life. It's like having the best of both worlds.

If it were me and my WS said that to me and our (four-legged) DD, I wouldn't be able to help myself but say something like "THEN ACT LIKE IT" or "you have a great way of showing it" or "did you just realize that" or... (you get the idea)

Frankly, if you want to be less of an asshole than I tend to be when I'm pissed off and hurt, I do think it's reasonable to say to him "you know what, it really hurts me when you say that because I just can't believe that it can be true given what you've done, so if you really mean it, I hope you can respect that I'd rather not hear that right now"

But, again, I preface all of this with the fact that I am by no means a veteran!


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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