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User Topic: I love you but I'm not "in Love" with you
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After talking with her, she said it is more of "things will NEVER be the same" and "I have ruined our marriage". That's what she really means. I guess?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affairs are the antithesis of true love. Affairs are the destruction of everything that is true love.

Summed up in one sentence.

WORD!

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 6:54 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After talking with her, she said it is more of "things will NEVER be the same" and "I have ruined our marriage".

Every time I see this on this board, I wish I could send a gigantic DUH thought bubble to the moron waywards that utter it. No shit things will never be the same, actions - meet consequences. She did kill your marriage - it's dead. R is about building a new marriage. It's about taking responsibility for your actions and giving your all to helping your BS heal and building a new marriage. It takes courage and strength and caring about someone other than yourself.

eta: Sorry to sound so harsh. I just might be a little bitter about it since my X was a fucking yellow-bellied chickenshit coward that ran for the hills.

[This message edited by kernel at 7:16 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5049 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he did kill your marriage - it's dead. R is about building a new marriage. It's about taking responsibility for your actions and giving your all to helping your BS heal and building a new marriage. It takes courage and strength and caring about someone other than yourself.

Thank you for that. I woke up with that thought this morning. The innocence is going. I cry just thinking of that.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New phrase. My H said " I used to like you" It didnt affect me too much. I am convinced he doesnt love me. That comment just convinced me I am on target. Didnt phase me at all. I should add, he said this because I am still not "over it". I guess I appear bitter. However, My son commented that I seem so different. I am so stressed all the time. Broke my heart. funny. When he said this , the stress disappeared. And has stayed gone. I love my son with all my heart. I dont want to be different. And it really disappeared. No forcing, no faking. Devotion here, not there.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 891 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
keptmyword
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love you but I'm not "in Love" with you.

This is the morally fucked-up wayward giving them self a mental "permission-slip" to break every marital vow and start having sex with some one else. A mental "quickie- divorce", if you will.

Problem is, they never tell the betrayed spouse of the new "marital status."

It's just more cowardly wayward spouse bullshit.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 362 | Registered: May 2012
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's definitely gotten a hold of a copy of the wayward play book, 2m2q.

Mine made the same progression from not having those "in love" feelings to telling my IC that he ruined the marriage and that he knew I could never get past any of it.

It was like a weak, cowardly acknowledgement that he fucked up, so instead of putting his family first, might as well just keep banging the OW and go in that direction. Like, I know she and the kids are hurt, but, I can't do anything to fix it. Oh well, the path of least resistance is much easier.

They act all big and bad in the beginning and walk around with this swagger like they have something over on us and found something so much better. Then it comes out that they are just too weak to even face us.

IMO, in these cases, the OW/OM "won" by default. They are not the better choice, just the easy one.

Trust me, my friend. It's not love with the AP either. Three years down the road, it's become very obvious that my exWH left us for a pile of trash. She rags on him constantly, demands everything from him, watches him like a hawk and, worst of all, makes his own children feel unwelcome in a home that he bought.

Weak, pathetic losers. I'm no longer in love with him either. It took me a little while to catch up but now I see I wouldn't trade my life for his for anything. It will be the same for you. You'll see.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2761 | Registered: Jan 2011
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You want to "win her back"?

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't love you?

IMO, "but I really care about you" means "I'm going to use you as a placeholder until something else comes along".

I'm sorry. Way back when, FWH started wondering whether he loved the OW and that's why he couldn't stop seeing her. And that's when I started working on kicking his ass out.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8807 | Registered: Jan 2008
myheadreallyhurt
♀ Member
Member # 36424
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with keptmyword. My WH said it as a way to OK himself to continue hurting me and his children. It was a way to justify to himself everything he was doing. He has apologized profusely for ever saying it. He said that even when he said it, he didn't really feel that way. He also said that he was disgusted by having to touch me, yet he was happy to sleep with me. He was deep in the midst of distancing himself from me and our relationship so that he could move on to full time with OW. Of course once he was full time with her and I was 180 and mostly NC he realized he was knee deep in a field of shit that only looked like green grass from across the fence.


"See that no one repays another evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another"

Posts: 133 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Sparkles
♀ Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbxh had left on a business trip and called me the next day to give me the "ILYBINILWY" speech. When I later went through his computer I saw that he had googled "natural cure for herpes"

I'm pretty sure he was giving himself permission to go sleep with someone else.


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: In a better place
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

myheadreallyhurt - Agreed.

I don't think she even believes it herself, however hearing it from her it is always painful. 1yr of hearing that shit.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Judging by many of the answers here, I'm beginning to think this is the standard response when someone is IN the affair. A justification that will make the A seem more "understandable" to both themselves and to others who subsequently discover the A. I think the WS mindset at that point is that deep down they know it's wrong but can make it "right" by these kinds of justifications.

I think you should kick her off the fence, man. MAKE her choose. 180, file whatever. Tell her your relieving her of the angony of choosing between two men, by removing yourself from the equation. If not, at least be hyperviligent - classic move is to keep you both on the go while she "chooses".


P.s. for the record, my WW's mother delivered the ILBINILWY. So a new acroynym SI : She's loves you but she's not in love with you. SLYBSINILWY

[This message edited by Markone at 3:02 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2010
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Markone - it's my understanding that women do indeed mean it. Since the majority of women who cheat do retract emotionally from the M.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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