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User Topic: I love you but I'm not "in Love" with you
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Shutup  Posted: 10:49 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, nothing new. But I want to hear some impressions of what has happened in your case when you were told this after DDAY of your WS and him/her saying this.

Mine is frozen in this place and hasn't moved on from the "I'm not sure i"m in love but care for you lots" stage. I want to win her back and she wants to be in love, but this can be a bit frustrating when you're the victim of an A.

Comments?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1336 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Painfuljourney
♀ Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband said this to me around the time of his affair 4 years ago. It hurt me so bad. But still I was in denial and he didn't leave me.

I think to "love" someone is a choice. It's not about "feelings". You lose that "in love" feeling, it's not enough to sustain. Some people who have affairs look for the butterflys in the stomach again. But real love is a choice, it's a commitment. You are either in or out. It's hard.

When my husband said this to me it was a reflection of his own unhappiness. He didn't have the capacity to love anyone. He just wanted to "feel". It was very selfish.

It's not a good sign. Like I said my husband cheated on me at the time he said that to me. He had no respect for our vows.

A good book is The Five Love Languages. There is a chapter about "falling in love" and how real love is a choice.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfuljourney - thank you for responding. It's like you're reading my wife. She's selfish that way. Although she's got the head knowledge of the fact that love is a choice, she fell for the butterflies. Mostly because of her OWN unhappiness. It's due to depression probably.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1336 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2married2quit,

This question of love, it seems to be so difficult, I think we all define it differently.

To me love is an action, a choice.

To love and be able to see the good in your spouse even when you are angry or disappointed.

To do things for them to make them happy, only because it makes them happy and it makes you feel good to make the person you love happy.

To never inflict pain intentionally, to consider your actions and words. Is this going to help us or hurt us?

There is so much more to it but now that h has told me he just never was that in love with me, I question if he is capable of it. Is there something missing. He says no on has ever been that important to him. That terrifies me now. Was it all a lie? Did he just say what he thought I wanted to hear? Is he doing that again?

He did tell me immediately after dday the "love but not in love" statement.

He also told me he never loved ow, but he did say the words to her. He also said the words to me everyday prior to and including the morning of dday.

Maybe they just have a shallow definition of love. Maybe they need the initial thrill of "new love", the infatuation but not the deep commitment.

I am just so very confused about all of this. I am questioning everything now.

I never knew there were so many questions, and the more I ask, the more questions I have.

I keep wondering about a personality disorder, don't want to believe it, but it does cross my mind. Not because of a but because of prior behavior and current behavior.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1345 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Frustrated  Posted: 11:44 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself obsessing on this topic...

I never got the official ILYBINILWY speech -- I got the "I love both of you" speech. Poor him and his torment! Sometimes he sounds like the Fog has lifted and then a couple months later, I got that speech. He "misses" her. I'm not sure if it's the Fog or withdrawal from the addiction (or WTF, maybe he really DOES love her!).

I kind of feel like it's becoming a deal breaker for me. He's doing SO many things right to try to R. He really is. But there's this selfish self-pitying piece of him that I just can't cope with. I feel like I need him to renounce all his feelings of "love" for her before I can fully commit to the R process. As I've even told him, "It's a long difficult process to pull someone's head out of their a$$"... Also that "It's been up there so long your brain is oxygen deprived." At least he laughed too! Can't argue with the truth!

I want to prove to him why his "love" for her isn't/wasn't "real", but am beginning to accept that I cannot/will not/should not try to convince him. He needs to figure this out for himself.

The more I 180, though, the more he seems to get it!

"This roller coaster sucks and I want off please."

Best of luck to you!

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 3:30 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 686 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cantaccept - You have the RIGHT idea of what love is. He doesn't. Someone who has an affair and has feelings for the AP, I believe has a dismissive attachment style. I am no doctor or psycologist, but that's what I've gathered from my reading. I could be completely wrong, but in the end, it is a selfish act and the person tends to be selfish anyway.

StillStanding1 - When I 180 my FWW, she does react. Sometimes she feels like she deserves it, other times she wants to console me.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1336 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got the speech. I got it when he knew DDay was coming so he could hit me with that first. It came right out of left field. I couldn't believe the words came out of his mouth.

Anyway, he stayed stuck there in that place, jerking me around, trying to "process" what he felt and thought for a few agonizing months. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, he's screwing around and basically buying more time to either see where it would go with OW, or suck time to get his ducks in a row. It all exploded after he moved out and told me it was just a trial separation.

Honestly? I wish I had been stronger in the beginning and kicked him out right away. I played right into his game, crying, almost begging him not to leave us, and doing whatever I could to try to convince to stay home where he belonged. It was so degrading and demoralizing. I became that pathetic girl in high school who hung on his every word and jumped over furniture to get to the phone if i knew he was going to call. I'm sure he loved it.

In my opinion, it's the most insulting and disrespectful thing you could say to your spouse. It's magnified by about a million if they sit around and allow you to stew in it and lament over it with no answers. It's cruelty like I've not ever seen or experienced before.

You're not supposed to have to convince your spouse to love you. We promised to do that already, regardless of whether butterflies and skittles fly out of our asses every day. And after she chose to have an A, she should be winning YOU back. Not the other way around.

Listen, if she's still thinking about how she feels, it's not a good sign. It's not a sign that she is even close to committing to you and your family again. It's a sign that she has an idea of what she wants and that, but for the fear and the stigma, she would have been gone already. She's acting like an entitled child with no regard for how you feel.

Ive often thought that if I was a victim in this whole thing, I was an invisible victim. Nothing about me or my thoughts or my feelings mattered. He thought nothing of me. I was a stranger to him by that point and that's how I was treated.

Don't let her do this to you. It's a purgatory that none of us deserves. If she wants to walk, I'd have more respect if she got her shit and left. This WS pattern of hanging around and letting you hope and pray she will love you again - this is horrible and no way for someone to treat a loving and loyal spouse.

I'm so sorry you are here and hurting.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2803 | Registered: Jan 2011
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly? I wish I had been stronger in the beginning and kicked him out right away. I played right into his game, crying, almost begging him not to leave us, and doing whatever I could to try to convince to stay home where he belonged. It was so degrading and demoralizing. I became that pathetic girl in high school who hung on his every word and jumped over furniture to get to the phone if i knew he was going to call. I'm sure he loved it.

Trust me, I too fell for the trap. I was begging her too. I still feel like I'm at a disadvantage and I hate it. I wish I would have had the balls to kick her out of the house and dump all her stuff outside.

In my opinion, it's the most insulting and disrespectful thing you could say to your spouse. It's magnified by about a million if they sit around and allow you to stew in it and lament over it with no answers. It's cruelty like I've not ever seen or experienced before.

Oh I believe it. It is worse than the A itself. I think we could probably get over the A much more faster if it wasn't for the limbo. Her saying " I'm not sure I love you or ever loved you" and the "I'm not sure I want to remain married" has shattered me to pieces. Having a hard time recouping actually.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1336 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gag. Yes, I heard this, too. Almost like a rehearsed exit line.

I also heard "I'm not attracted to you anymore", even though we were still physically active, for a time. I believe it was part of his confusion.

Nearly ExH got very confused by the excitement and raw emotion that the A brought him and he mistook it for the love of our 20 years. We had fallen into that comforatable pattern, for a long time and he decided it was boring.

Yes, it was extremely insulting to here and I just kind of gawked like an imbecile, but have pride at not crying, no ranting nothing. I believe in the chemical rushes of affairs and think he mistook those -several counselors said it.

It's terrible to sit and wait and I hope you won't for long, 2married. It's thought by the counselors and family that he may be emotionally immature, as he was taught as a child and young adult to hide his feelings, so he does. Refuses to deal with "real" things. So escaping to an affair was his way out and I think he thought it would be easier.

Wonder if it is?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's the most insulting and disrespectful thing you could say to your spouse. It's magnified by about a million if they sit around and allow you to stew in it and lament over it with no answers. It's cruelty like I've not ever seen or experienced before.


It is worse than the A itself. I think we could probably get over the A much more faster if it wasn't for the limbo.

I totally agree. My WH says he "really truly loves" me. (It's just he's soooo conflicted, because he "loves" her too... Imagine his pain... I'm supposed to have sympathy? Really?) It's when I obsess on the meaning of "love" that I get firm in my resolve to be done with him. But then he's doing many, many things right in the R process. Does that mean it's false R? I am trying to figure that one out.

I am leaving for a Ladies' Weekend at a friend's lake home tomorrow. He will be moving back for the weekend to watch the kids.

I am leaving a LONG letter on my 4 conditions for R: Remorse, Transparency, Responsibility, and NC. Also a specific list of things I need from him. Also, a list of questions about the A for him (I've waffled long and hard between how much I really want to know). I've boiled it down to: a timeline; the rationale for (or irrational choice for) starting the A; expenditures; gifts given and received; and a few location-oriented questions. I THINK that's all I want to know.

Lastly, I'm leaving him a list of quotes about "love" vs. being "in love" from a variety of sources.

However he responds after reading all that will give me a pretty good idea of whether it's true or false R.

Praying for us all....


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 686 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree. My WH says he "really truly loves" me. (It's just he's soooo conflicted, because he "loves" her too... Imagine his pain... I'm supposed to have sympathy? Really?) It's when I obsess on the meaning of "love" that I get firm in my resolve to be done with him. But then he's doing many, many things right in the R process. Does that mean it's false R? I am trying to figure that one out.

You bring up an interesting point. On this current attempt at R, my FWW is doing the right things. She has told me that she is afraid to loose me and later regret it. I too had to watch her get over the OM and "miss him" and watch her "detox". The pain has no measure.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1336 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask how long it took for her to detox? I've seen some people say 1 or 2 months. I'm sure it's different for everyone. I don't want to be played for a fool (again!). If I didn't think we had so many reasons to try to make it work, I would just give up. He keeps begging me to give him time to heal and "get over her". I think he thinks once he's healed, I should be over it by then too. Ha! I've told him that my healing can't really even start until he is over her. God, does this sound crazy/pathetic or what?


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 686 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She gave you ILYBINILWY and you are trying to win her back? I hate to say this 2m2q but there's probably going to be another dday soon.

That phrase always seems to be spoken by people who are overly self absorbed with what they can get out of someone else, be it some fizzy little romance rush or something more cruelly deliberate.

This is #1 in the BS healing library:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ1

Q: What does "I love you but not in love with you mean?" Submitted by Lucky

A: Then ask this question " Who are you in love with"? So often the spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair hear that the WS is "in love" with the OP. Thus the BS experiences an anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. " Soulmates" - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.

But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.

The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.

At the time I heard it I felt like I had to win her back, too. The terrible reality is that the only way you will ever be strong enough to do that is when you don't care to bother.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7450 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the time I heard it I felt like I had to win her back, too. The terrible reality is that the only way you will ever be strong enough to do that is when you don't care to bother.

I am completely at this point. I don't even try to win "anything" back or bother to understand the A anymore. I know it is my WH, he has a problem.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got it after his therapist told him that if he loved me, he wouldn't have taken the A underground.

He went home for a week to think about that. When he got back he told me he was still attracted to me 100% ("oh, don't worry about that") and that he "loved me a lot" but "I don't know? Maybe I'm in not *in* love with you?"... It was more of a question than a statement.

That's when he told me we had to separate because he knew he wasn't in a state to make a decision and didn't want to keep deceiving and lying to me. He told me he wasn't "replacing" me with the OW, but he wanted to be "free" from the responsibilities of our marriage.

I NCed him immediately and that was the last time I heard from him.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told her I wasn't "in love" with her either. I told her "in love" is the early chemical infatuation giddy romance stage that is NOT sustainable. But that I loved her with deep feelings of affection and loyalty. Then I burst her bubble by saying OW couldn't really "love" her because she didn't even "know" her. Boy fWS didn't like that. She interpreted that as me saying she wasn't lovable.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2196 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"in love" is the early chemical infatuation giddy romance stage that is NOT sustainable. However LOVE is a deep feelings of affection and loyalty

Thank you purplejacket4. This really put it in perspective for me. I've been hurting and crying over this and obsessing too. Her saying "I don't love you anymore" and later "I'm not in love..." BS.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1336 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
endlessabsurdity
Member
Member # 40249
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On dday #1, my wife told me that she didn't think we were ever really in love. She later retracted that statement when she was thinking more clearly. During the period of time when we were supposed to be preparing for R but she was really still in contact with the OM, my wife would frequently tell me that she didn't feel that way for me anymore and spoke as though we would never be physically intimate again. It was extremely painful to hear over and over again even though I knew much of it was absurd affair fog-babble.

Early on, I wrote her emails about my memories of meeting her and falling in love. She tried to convince me that she didn't remember things the same way and that she never felt the way I did. Several months later, I stumbled onto her love letters that she wrote to me back when we were dating and engaged. It was all there in undeniable black and white. She just wanted to forget it because it made her feel guilty.

Love is a choice. Love is action. The experience of being "in love" is meaningless unless it is experienced in an appropriate context and is followed up by commitment, choice, and action in order to develop true love between long-term partners. The rewarding feelings of long-term, committed, true love come from consistently making the choice to love and taking loving action regardless of how you feel in the moment.

Affairs are the antithesis of true love. Affairs are the destruction of everything that is true love.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
Whatdoido333
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got that ILYBINILWY thing too, as well as I'm not attracted to you, haven't been happy in years, never loved you.....but also got "our marriage was better than average". So we had a child, bought a big house, went on vacations, etc and he didn't love me? He said yes.... Really?

And, his "friend" had nothing to do with it at all he said. Yeah, I txt her and call her all he time, go to concerts And dinner, befriend her children, go to her house to fix things etc...but he has nothing to do with our relationship!! Really !!

Last year I heard that they were looking at houses together....all the time he was living with me. He made promises to her bu he wouldn't tell me what they were. My guess is tht he wouldn't sleep with me, bu he told me he forgot what thy were!!
Really!!

He said he lied to her, told her what he wanted to hear....yeh....and they still work together.....but he says she doesn't want him. There were rumors in their small office that they were having an affair....and he's not embarrassed to show his face there everyday. I just don't get it....she has accused him of stalking him too.

He's NPD by the way....figures right??


Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2012
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is exactly how I am feeling this morning after a talk I had with SAWH last night. I asked him what he thinks will be harder to get over - the A or his porn addiction. He said the A. I said I would think it's the porn addiction since you've been engaged in that over half your life.

I have made it clear from beginning I do not want to be in a marriage "for the sake of the children. " I feel like my life has been on hold for almost a decade because I have been alone in this marriage, being patient with him for one trial or tribulation and then I finally got the courage to speak up about my dissatisfaction and I find out he's been having an affair.

I don't want him to pretend like he's making a move towards R if he's still got feelings for the AP. I feel like it's still going on. That is unacceptable.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 895 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 34
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