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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Coming From Fog or Something Else?
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmmm.... Not sure what to think.
My STBXH is a timid guy, type B personality. I am very type A, just like his mother. He generally listened to us to make decisions in his life for him because he was too indecisive on his own. His mother encouraged his affair and subsequent "fights" in court over child support etc.

While it was his choice to have the affair, I know for a fact (seen the messages between him and his mother) that he wanted to stay with his family and work things out between us instead of going off with new girl. His mother didn't like that and in an attempt to keep us apart, she came every single time he had to meet me to pick up our son or go to court. Yes, he is a big boy, I know, but he is emotionally immature and basically his mother didn't want us together. That coupled with him being lonely from relocating and just generally being selfish and immature lead to the affair which his mother fully encouraged as she didn't want us together.

Ok that said, he has been texting me all week... About our son, but no less, every single day, I have received a text message since he had our son for a few days. He included a few pictures of himself with our son and was telling me about some disciplining he had to do. Another time, he was disciplining our son about needed to respect and listen to me but he did it in front of me, never did that before. He also text a smiley to me in a conversation about their video chat time. Being overly nice and support of me.

Well yesterday, he happened to send me another picture... It seems he made a collage of pictures he took of our son for the last 6 month and wanted to share it with me. I took that opportunity to ask him about a game our son was playing this weekend so I could buy a copy for my house and he was very eager to share. So much so that he offered to drop it at my house this weekend while he was in town for a wedding. I am pretty sure he will be coming alone but who knows, maybe his mom will bully him to let her come along for the ride.

As a BS who didn't want her marriage to end, I know I am probably looking for signs of life here. I feel like I know he is in there... Selfish, bad judgements coupled with horrible guidance from the woman he loves deeply got us to where we are. I do believe he knows that his mother isn't looking out for him but her own interests as he is her only son. Her only daughter married off six months before we did and their relationship is strained now so I am sure she feels her son is all she has left. Of course, he is a grown man, not excusing him at all but knowing him, and how I have always had to direct him, she was mainly in control since DDay since I removed myself from the equation hoping it would wake him up.

It seemed like the divorce filing, child support garnishment, not seeing our son but once a month is finally getting to him. I think he is slowly trying to "come back" because he isn't aggressive or direct enough to come back begging and pleading.

I don't know, do I need a 2 x 4 here? A I still in my BS fog? No matter what he may say, I am only going to see what he does and not do anything for him. The divorce will still continue whether or not he has emerged from this fog and is truly remorseful. I am also going to see what he does about his mother... But I am hopeful. I want my family back together.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 8:41 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thinking the A is really not the issue here. He is a man child still tugging on mommy's apron strings. Is this what you really want for a husband? My STBX is a total wuss, but not with his mother (his mom is a wuss too) and I just don't respect him any longer. Do you really want a pussy if a man that can't even stand up to his mother to save his family? You will always take a backseat to what his mommy says.

Time for you to find a real man. I will never give a pussy, wimpy man the time of day again.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 824 | Registered: Mar 2013
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely don't want that but I do feel like if he is seeing how destructive their relationship has been and he is willing to change/do something about it, then I want to give it a chance. We have gone to counseling before and the counselor has cited his mother as a problem. His friends and other family has told him that her involvement is a problem.
His mother is starting to back off now because our separation is now costing her money. Her son having to pay me, pay his lawyer, and pay his bills leaves him asking her for loans. I know she is unhappy about that so at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if she is encouraging him to work things out with me as well.

I pray about this because I still do love him. I just don't want to be hurt or duped again....

And the A is still a major issue of mine that will eventually need to be hashed out if we get back together... Tons of counseling.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Wink  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The affair is the symptom not the problem. Inappropriate boundaries (particularly with his mother) is a symptom of much bigger issues he seems to have. Take away his mom and he would still have the same issues that created that relationship and it would likely be expressed in some other detrimental way.

If he is working on himself with a therapist/counselor and figuring out why he never grew up and is a spineless man-child with transient morals, that's a good sign. If he is behaving differently but isn't DOING anything to fix what is clearly broken in him, I wouldn't put much hope in it being a lasting change.

It may be that the consequences of his decisions are making him feel bad and he really wants to do whatever it takes to make those consequences go away. That isn't the same as remorse and that isn't enough to make him a person you could trust and have a fulfilling relationship with.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he still with the OW?


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope but I can't say 100%. I know they got into a big fight in May and she decided she was done with him since then. He friended her on Facebook twice but she didn't respond to the request. (The fight was about him never adding her to Facebook and lying to her that he never had a Facebook. She looked his page up one day and not only found it but also saw that he was married and all of our pictures with the time stamps on them.)

She is a young girl too, only like 24 or 25 so she wasn't serious about him. She is busy with medical school and her upcoming residency which means she will be relocating to another state shortly.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 11:10 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nearly ExH has this behavior, too. For a time, it made me hopeful, but now it doesn't. He will do the texting when he visits with DD almost the entire visit sometimes and I think what he may be looking for is pats on the back, even more validation that he's doing the right things...even if he isn't (like being late chronically).

I used to get very excited to hear from him, and I used to play the game, thinking it would draw him back, but I don't anymore-that was part of my fog.

When he isn't obligated to visit DD, it's like he's dead, there's no contact. Since those times are still difficult, I aim to have none on the days he sees her, so that the transition is easier, if that makes sense.

He is also a mama's boy and claims that he felt massive disaproval from me and control, but that wasn't the case-he couldnt' make decisions to save his life, so someone had to! Now he's making all of his own decisions and it's very interesting to watch, the little I'm aware of.

There are relatives here who butt in, too, inlaws who tell me things he said and I ask them not to. I know with MIL or BIL it's harder as they aren't so much peers, that's tough.

I'm sorry to not have any active advice, but I wanted to chime in and say that I've felt what you're thinking, too. It was fleeting, because the minute I couldn't agree 100%, the "nice nice" ends.

Nearly ExH is also emotionally immature and seeks validation outside of himself for ego boost, and it's really tiring some times. But at first he can hide it, it's just there are cracks in the veneer.

I wish you well and hope things happen the way you want.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. Housefull has hit the nail on the head of something I was trying to say-Nearly ExH sometimes will do just about anything to not make waves or have consequences and it will come across as appearing helpful and friendly-it's actually double-edged.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He texted me this morning...

" Wow you changed your FB pic. That one is a really good look for you."

He is at a friend's wedding today, who came to our wedding, and he has not told any one we are getting divorced. Everyone keeps asking him where his wife (me) is. I am wondering if reality is just crashing down on him right now.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems to be a lot of texting going on.

I hate to be negative, but single people have a lot of time on their hands ... and bored hands text -- a lot. Electronic ego kibble.

Look at his actions.

He is at a friend's wedding today, who came to our wedding, and he has not told any one we are getting divorced. Everyone keeps asking him where his wife (me) is. I am wondering if reality is just crashing down on him right now.

If he has a change of heart, his actions will tell.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just came to my house with out his mother. Parked the car, not sure if he thought I was going to invite him in. He spent about 15 minutes, asked me to take a picture of him and our son together, asked me about work, then got back on the road for his 4 hour drive to his state. I didn't say much, barely looked at him. It was weirdly uncomfortable... How do you go from loving someone to being complete strangers?
Our son turns 3 next month. If we are unable to reconcile in the future, then I hope we are able to be functional co-parents. I can't imagine the next 15 years like this.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You could text him (after his mom goes home) that you are going to see a counselor to make sure you and he are doing everything right in the area of giving your son what he needs... You could give him the time, etc.

IF he comes, which my XWH did for a while, then SOMETHING will be gained from it. Even if it is to be sure you all are doing the best for your son.

Who knows, he may be really ready to do what it takes to be a man.

That said, my friend married a guy like this and every single decision her whole marriage has been with him not able to make ANY decision at all, and as the years went on, he went to lunch with his mom pretty often, and so nothing was private between them.

Now, 4 children later she divorced him. Couldn't take the insecurity and he would listen to everyone's opinion over hers, go to lunch with different women from office when she wanted HIM to take her out, he never "got" the whole grown up marriage deal....

(movingforward13)


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1980 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to say this post really helped me. My XWH has told his family (out of state) lies about me and they don't even talk to me any more---they didn't even call me to ask me if any of it were true!

I feel they control him because they have $$$. It's very possible they put alot of pressure on him NOT to come back to us. Also, whereas my XWH used to listen to my opinion and then we'd make mutual decisions, at some point, he began listening to OW opinion. Now that's all he listens to -- even though she is as screwed up as they come.

So, your post helped me to realize XWH is a puppet to whomever can get his attention at the time, whomever he wants to listen to, regardless of common sense. The OW TELLS him what activities of our children they will attend. He admitted this to me!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1980 | Registered: Jan 2012
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will try that. He lives 3 states away so he only comes here once a month but we will see what his actions now are. I wish I could be the BS that didn't want to reconcile and could put my feelings away.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Topic Posts: 14

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