While it was his choice to have the affair, I know for a fact (seen the messages between him and his mother) that he wanted to stay with his family and work things out between us instead of going off with new girl. His mother didn't like that and in an attempt to keep us apart, she came every single time he had to meet me to pick up our son or go to court. Yes, he is a big boy, I know, but he is emotionally immature and basically his mother didn't want us together. That coupled with him being lonely from relocating and just generally being selfish and immature lead to the affair which his mother fully encouraged as she didn't want us together.
Ok that said, he has been texting me all week... About our son, but no less, every single day, I have received a text message since he had our son for a few days. He included a few pictures of himself with our son and was telling me about some disciplining he had to do. Another time, he was disciplining our son about needed to respect and listen to me but he did it in front of me, never did that before. He also text a smiley to me in a conversation about their video chat time. Being overly nice and support of me.
Well yesterday, he happened to send me another picture... It seems he made a collage of pictures he took of our son for the last 6 month and wanted to share it with me. I took that opportunity to ask him about a game our son was playing this weekend so I could buy a copy for my house and he was very eager to share. So much so that he offered to drop it at my house this weekend while he was in town for a wedding. I am pretty sure he will be coming alone but who knows, maybe his mom will bully him to let her come along for the ride.
As a BS who didn't want her marriage to end, I know I am probably looking for signs of life here. I feel like I know he is in there... Selfish, bad judgements coupled with horrible guidance from the woman he loves deeply got us to where we are. I do believe he knows that his mother isn't looking out for him but her own interests as he is her only son. Her only daughter married off six months before we did and their relationship is strained now so I am sure she feels her son is all she has left. Of course, he is a grown man, not excusing him at all but knowing him, and how I have always had to direct him, she was mainly in control since DDay since I removed myself from the equation hoping it would wake him up.
It seemed like the divorce filing, child support garnishment, not seeing our son but once a month is finally getting to him. I think he is slowly trying to "come back" because he isn't aggressive or direct enough to come back begging and pleading.
I don't know, do I need a 2 x 4 here? A I still in my BS fog? No matter what he may say, I am only going to see what he does and not do anything for him. The divorce will still continue whether or not he has emerged from this fog and is truly remorseful. I am also going to see what he does about his mother... But I am hopeful. I want my family back together.
[This message edited by movingforward13 at 8:41 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]
"They cling to their bad choices out of shame, because it is far easier to continue to destroy yourself than to do the heavy work required to fix yourself." - a wiser SIer
Time for you to find a real man. I will never give a pussy, wimpy man the time of day again.
I pray about this because I still do love him. I just don't want to be hurt or duped again....
And the A is still a major issue of mine that will eventually need to be hashed out if we get back together... Tons of counseling.
If he is working on himself with a therapist/counselor and figuring out why he never grew up and is a spineless man-child with transient morals, that's a good sign. If he is behaving differently but isn't DOING anything to fix what is clearly broken in him, I wouldn't put much hope in it being a lasting change.
It may be that the consequences of his decisions are making him feel bad and he really wants to do whatever it takes to make those consequences go away. That isn't the same as remorse and that isn't enough to make him a person you could trust and have a fulfilling relationship with.
She is a young girl too, only like 24 or 25 so she wasn't serious about him. She is busy with medical school and her upcoming residency which means she will be relocating to another state shortly.
[This message edited by movingforward13 at 11:10 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]
I used to get very excited to hear from him, and I used to play the game, thinking it would draw him back, but I don't anymore-that was part of my fog.
When he isn't obligated to visit DD, it's like he's dead, there's no contact. Since those times are still difficult, I aim to have none on the days he sees her, so that the transition is easier, if that makes sense.
He is also a mama's boy and claims that he felt massive disaproval from me and control, but that wasn't the case-he couldnt' make decisions to save his life, so someone had to! Now he's making all of his own decisions and it's very interesting to watch, the little I'm aware of.
There are relatives here who butt in, too, inlaws who tell me things he said and I ask them not to. I know with MIL or BIL it's harder as they aren't so much peers, that's tough.
I'm sorry to not have any active advice, but I wanted to chime in and say that I've felt what you're thinking, too. It was fleeting, because the minute I couldn't agree 100%, the "nice nice" ends.
Nearly ExH is also emotionally immature and seeks validation outside of himself for ego boost, and it's really tiring some times. But at first he can hide it, it's just there are cracks in the veneer.
I wish you well and hope things happen the way you want.
The times, they are'a changin'! -Bob Dylan
" Wow you changed your FB pic. That one is a really good look for you."
He is at a friend's wedding today, who came to our wedding, and he has not told any one we are getting divorced. Everyone keeps asking him where his wife (me) is. I am wondering if reality is just crashing down on him right now.
I hate to be negative, but single people have a lot of time on their hands ... and bored hands text -- a lot. Electronic ego kibble.
Look at his actions.
IF he comes, which my XWH did for a while, then SOMETHING will be gained from it. Even if it is to be sure you all are doing the best for your son.
Who knows, he may be really ready to do what it takes to be a man.
That said, my friend married a guy like this and every single decision her whole marriage has been with him not able to make ANY decision at all, and as the years went on, he went to lunch with his mom pretty often, and so nothing was private between them.
Now, 4 children later she divorced him. Couldn't take the insecurity and he would listen to everyone's opinion over hers, go to lunch with different women from office when she wanted HIM to take her out, he never "got" the whole grown up marriage deal....
I feel they control him because they have $$$. It's very possible they put alot of pressure on him NOT to come back to us. Also, whereas my XWH used to listen to my opinion and then we'd make mutual decisions, at some point, he began listening to OW opinion. Now that's all he listens to -- even though she is as screwed up as they come.
So, your post helped me to realize XWH is a puppet to whomever can get his attention at the time, whomever he wants to listen to, regardless of common sense. The OW TELLS him what activities of our children they will attend. He admitted this to me!