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User Topic: Detatchment
phoenixrivers
♂ Member
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hurting so badly tonight that I can't sleep. I've examined the affair. I believe the W sincere and working as much as she can right now. However, DDay only occurred three weeks ago. Prior to DDay, the W had separated from me and continued the affair.

Yesterday, the AP failed a drug test and lost his job. Very complicated situation because he works for/with the W. I reassured her that I would help, and since it's against company policy for employer/employee to date, that I would help her if she was fired also.

Today I wanted to surprise her and showed up at her work. She directed me to a parking space by cell phone. Her AP was standing in the parking lot. She told me to leave the lot, park in front of her building and wait. Meanwhile as I pulled out of the building, the AP exited the lot and walked down the street.

The sleaziness and ugliness of this man became real to me as I saw him walking. I triggered and told her what I saw in him and that her sleeping with us both at the same time was....YUK.

She asked if I was alright and when I said no and proceeded to tell her why, she shut down. On the pretense of walking the dog, she got in her car and spent the night at her apt. Her reasoning: "I've spent my whole life listening to people tell me how terrible I am and I don't deserve it." She said she couldn't hear anymore bad about herself and wanted a break.

My immediate response to her leaving was panic and thoughts of "she's leaving me again". Even as I write, I am sick and upset that she left without telling me where she was going.

I believe I am unhealthily attached not only to her but also to the ultimate outcome of reconciliation. I think my fear of abandonment fuels this relationship more than my actual love for her.

I am going to IC tomorrow and plan on making a goal of detachment from the outcome of reconciliation. I am going to explore my fear of losing her and try to work on making myself a complete person without reference to the W.

Does anyone share this perspective? What are your thoughts?

phoenixrivers


Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
In active reconcilliation
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to IC tomorrow and plan on making a goal of detachment from the outcome of reconciliation. I am going to explore my fear of losing her and try to work on making myself a complete person without reference to the W.

Yep, it seems healthy. There are times where the 180 or detachment is your friend, and it can be to make sure you're stable and healthy no matter what choices your partner makes. It sounds like you two are still living apart. I'm wondering why she had you leave the lot - because the AP was standing there? And then, after you saw the AP and he leaves, she leaves without telling you? I can see why you felt upset. Detaching might be a good thing, because it might help you protect yourself and heal regardless of her actions, which still sound off.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said she couldn't hear anymore bad about herself and wanted a break.

If she doesn't want to hear bad things about herself she should stop doing bad things.

I believe the W sincere and working as much as she can right now

I think if this was true she wouldn't be running away when it got a bit uncomfortable, I believe that if someone is truly remorseful they will go through hell to show their commitment to helping heal the damage.

It is normal to feel panic when you don't control the situation, you cant R on your own. That is why detachment is your friend it helps you to focus on yourself, to rediscover yourself and relearn the 'you' you lost in the relationship. It helps to let go of an outcome, like R, that is beyond your control. You can only control you.

It is hard and it feels unnatural and abnormal. It takes work because you need to relearn how to make yourself a priority. Its a good idea to talk to your IC about it, they should be able to give you tools and techniques to help.



Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
phoenixrivers
♂ Member
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi silver & hurts,

Thanks to you both for timely replies. Every response let's me know I'm not alone.

Silverhopes, I think the reason she wanted me to leave the lot was that she didn't want him to make a scene nor harm either of us. He's been saying bad things about her since they broke up. I was glad she got me away from him and that he didn't confront either of us.

I agree Hurts, that she should be willing to go through hell and shouldn't be bailing when my anger and hurt make her uncomfortable. My IC saw us both however and suggested a "time out" is in order when either of us calls for it. I probably broke that rule this evening, but I still think her leaving was sneaky and didn't help me to trust her.


Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
In active reconcilliation
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
FoolontheHill
♂ Member
Member # 40225
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her response to,you and leaving seems to be similar to my WW. She proclaims that I make everything about me but then breaks down about how everyone's old she was bad from Daddy on down.

I feel your pain. It's almost like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It may not be understandable at all.

I agree with hurtsbutok I that there is no remorse. But if she is anything like my WW not sure remorse is even in the toolbox.


Me BH 46
WW 42

Dday 1: 10/20/2010 -- 3 month physical affair
Dday2: 7/7/2013 -- 3 year emotional affair but I think it was more.


Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 5

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