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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: One day at a time
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I would do so much better than this. I always pictured myself as someone who would handle a hypothetical dismal situation with class and grace and strength.

Ha! Not so! Last August I found the signs of the affair on the phone bill. It was just texts. Nothing happened. RIGHT.

It went underground, which meant 9 months of daily lies knowing I was concerned and working on this marriage, and they were living it up fucking like bunnies at work. He made me feel crazy during this time, and they were together the whole time.
Now they are making wedding plans. How very nice. (Well, I know, I shouldn't look, but I'd rather know than not know, history and all...).

Our twins were barely one when the affair started, less than two when I discovered the truth about the affair,, and now I am trying to get through the days taking care of these little girls and look for work and keep breathing, and those life-destroying egotists are picking out wedding stuff.

He has turned into Mr.. Tanning bed fitness guy (because she is 23 and ain't gonna keep an old pale fat guy around, which was ok when they were being sneaky).
She picks outfits for him. His fish belly white stomach is now shaved and tan, and it grossed me out, because who has to change themselves so drastically to be loved? When he picked up the girls the other day and found a reason to show me (aw, it itches), I was grossed out. It was a stranger in front of me. That wasn't the tummy I loved, and the replacement, however toned or tanned, made me ill. I was glad I didn't have to deal with it.

Am I lonely? Yes. Do I eff up 180 ALOT? Yes. But I'm trying.
I've seen a side of myself that truly hurts to see. The hurting person who isn't actually graceful. Who recognizes their shortcomings.

But I know THIS part is temporary. But damn, it just sucks to not be who I thought I was on top of this shitstorm.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to be gentle with yourself. Too often we are our own worst enemy because we expect the impossible from ourselves. Nothing about this situation is what we planned for, we are having to learn as we go through it. Remember that your WH had a very long head start and he knew what was going on the whole time.

You have been blindsided and lied to by the very person who was supposed to protect and cherish you.

The best advice my IC gave me was to change out the "I should" internal dialogue with "its understandable that". The "I should" sets you up for failure followed by self recrimination. Change the words, replace "I should be able to handle this entire shit storm with grace" to "its understandable that at times the pain is too much and I lash out as I learn to navigate the shit storm"

((Iamhappytoday))


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a wonderful response. People always say to be gentle to yourself, but I trip up trying to find a way to do it. Your example is so true, to approach the situation in that way.

It was just what I needed to hear. Thank you so much.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Topic Posts: 3

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