i'd suggest that your WH start to, at least, read here and learn some things about what infidelity does to people..
..he needs a broader perspective of the consequences that are in store for him.
..he would love to rug-sweep the whole thing ....but that's not going to happen unless you let him!!!!
..after reading here a while, maybe he might consider posting his story.
..sending support to you in this nightmare of life-changing events..
On the one hand, I'm really sorry that he doesn't feel safe to post here. That happens from time to time if the responders are a little to triggery. We try to gently ease people into the process but it doesn't always happen.
On the other hand, he can't keep this stuff locked inside for fear of how others will respond. At the end of the day, he needs to feel good about who he is, and looking into a mirror is not going to yield sunshine and roses right now.
A counselor may be able to help him get to a place where he can be honest with himself and let go of the fear of judgement. The key here isn't for him to have a safe, cushy place to land. He has to get over protecting himself and into doing the right thing no matter what.
It's not like a lightswitch though, and I hope that he finds a place or people to turn to to start looking at the situation with new eyes.
I'll tell you, and anyone reading this, though - beating down a conflict avoider is the surest way to send them running for the hills. If he comes here with humility and an honest interest in fixing this, I hope that the people responding recognize how hard it is in the early days and help create a safe place for him to talk. (ETA - I'm saying this as someone who was a card-carrying beatdowner of conflict-avoiders. I'm just FINALLY learning this lesson.)
[This message edited by Jrazz at 9:21 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
I would recommend that your H come on and NOT read the articles only. Read the boards. For weeks. Maybe months if he's that uncomfortable. I lurked for almost a year. I knew the culture coming into it after doing that and, as someone not "into" message boards or online friendships, that really helped. So when I did post, I felt that I knew the lingo and could frame my situation in a sensitive, thoughtful way that elicited fair responses. Not always in agreement, but fair.
That said, online message boards aren't for everyone. Are there support groups in your area? That'll give the same guidance but perhaps in a different format.
But I will say that most of the times I've been hit with 2 x 4s here, it's cause I needed them..
Good luck to you guys.. Hugs..
[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 9:26 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
hes afraid I will berate him for posting what he really feels/ thinks
If he is concerned that you will berate him-maybe he can change his screen name to something you don't know and at least for a while only post on the wayward side/general. You could give him his space by not trolling over there.
You are not very far out from Dday and still are both raw emotionally. Sometimes as BS we forget that the waywards are hurting too. He probably has things he needs to work out for himself before sharing them with you. Giving him a safe place on these boards might help. You will have to resist the temptation to search for him though. Don't make the offer to him unless you can give him his space.
I do agree that sometimes it can seem harsh on here-but that is because of the volatile nature of what we are talking about. No one here is really attacking, it just feels that way sometimes. He needs to take all that with a grain of salt. He can take what is helpful to him, and leave the rest.
The only other things I would suggest is he see an IC. That really is a safe place. He can find one that has experience with infidelity issues. The other thing is that he can read read read. I think most books out there are geared more towards BS but even those can be of benefit. They will allow him to see that he is not alone. I would suggest "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass because (from your profile) the AP was a someone he works with.
This experience is in large part what you make of it. If you get feedback that doesn't fit, ignore it. If it is interfering in you getting what you do need, then ask for what you need, or seek help. This is a pretty low risk environment.
(((hugs))) to you and best of luck with future posting for you both.