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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Worst Week of my Life!
Lisa2You
♀ New Member
Member # 39764
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! This has been the shitty-est week ever. Everytime I thought I'd hit an all time low, it got lower. I'm absolutely emotionally exhausted. But ironically, I can't sleep a wink.

We told our adult children (18, 24, 28)that we are divorcing this week. Unlike many people here, my experience was apparently the exception - my kids had NO IDEA it was coming, nor did they say anything like, "Well, it's about time." They were shocked...truly shocked. I guess I was a much better actor than I thought, and so was my husband. I don't even know what to think about that. In the conversation about the divorce, we did not reveal the affair (which happened many years ago).

Next, I told my sisters, and my elderly mother. That was tough. But bless my mother's heart, she was wonderful and supportive. My mother - my heart...that's all I can say.

Then last night, after our kids called a family meeting to share their feelings, my husband decided to tell them that he'd had an affair. He said it quickly, and then went on to other things, never allowing them time to ask questions or even process it.

The last of the really difficult discussions took place this morning when I told my 92 year old father. His head slumped to his chest and he didn't speak. He said, "Oh no," quietly, as someone who has learned of a death would. Those were the last words he spoke before leaving the room and not returning. I broke his heart.

And in all honesty, I feel like that's all I did this week - I did the one thing I'd avoided all my life - hurting people. I broke hearts wherever I went. And I'm "spent." I have nothing left.

How will I ever get through this? How will I get through tomorrow and next week? I know that in the future, I will have gotten through it, but what about now? I've broken all hearts and left a trail of destruction everywhere, and then I walked away with the rubble at my feet, sadness sticks to me like rocks stuck in your shoes, thorns stuck to your clothes. I'm devastated. ~L

[This message edited by Lisa2You at 5:21 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


He had a long-term affair. I found out 5-years after. We're divorcing after 30 years of marriage (10 of them happy ones). I'm just trying to find my way.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2002 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did the one thing I'd avoided all my life - hurting people. I broke hearts wherever I went.
Would you be getting a divorce if it weren't for the infidelity ? If not then you aren't the cause or reason for the heartbreak and a family breaking up.

Maybe FT and I would have divorced at sometime in the future but guaranteed it would never have hurt so many others if it weren't for his lying and cheating.

Give yourself some down time to regroup.
It just all sucks.
Big Hugs
Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 7:13 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20323 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First... (Lisa2you). Secondly, You didn't hurt these family members.... He did. If he didn't have the A you would still be married. This destruction wasn't your making.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 619 | Registered: Jan 2012
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Lisa2You)))))

That sounds SO HARD. I feel for you, I really do

I know it feels like it's all your fault, but it is NOT. It is your life your husband has screwed over, and you are just informing your family of the outcome. Don't beat yourself up for BEING THE MESSENGER.

Please remember that although others are hurting, you did not tell them to hurt them. Your actions never hurt them. You have to decide how to live your life with dignity and to move on without pain into your new beginnings.

Your father needs to process this. He will do OK and will come to accept the news. YOUR HUSBAND has let your father down and your dad is having to deal with this disappointment.

Give your kids a chance to absorb their new reality, and let them know you want to give them a chance to talk about the news their father dumped on them about WHY and then pretended it wasn't news.

Hearts break, and hearts heal. Nobody else is ever going to hurt as much as you've hurt through this process. It will be much easier for them because they are not the central players in this tragedy.

Allow yourself to express your grief and pain and where you are in your healing to your family honestly now, without hiding it any more. If they are shocked it's because they didn't know how much you were hurting. Let your reality come to light.

(((((hugs)))))


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1091 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{hugs}}} Lisa. You can't blame yourself for breaking your family's hearts. If your H hadn't had an affair, none of this would have happened. You didn't cause this, and honestly, you didn't break any hearts. Your family is just shocked. They thought you two were good. The kids are adults, and will see why you are doing this when they have time to process it. Your dad? He's 92. I would bet the first thing through his mind is now there isn't anyone looking after his babygirl if he dies. He's worried about you.

I do want to say something about the not sleeping part. You know when you aren't sleeping everything is worse. You can't cope as well. You are more emotional.

When I split from my X, I never went on AD's, but I did go to my doctor and got about 20 mild sleeping pills. I did not take them on nights I had the kids, or on nights I had to get up for work...but you know what? Getting that one solid night sleep every 2 weeks or so? It made a world of difference. I actually never ended up taking the last one. I was sleeping on my own by that point. In the short term though, they really helped my thinking process and let me get the sleep I needed to focus on what I needed to do.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5372 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear what you are going through, it is heart broken to see our loved one were hurting.

However I can not agree more with Devistatemom, you need to take care of yourself, I did not use sleeping pill. I simply had one beer. And I will be so relaxed, but I am sure one beer won't get me addicted, so it helped.

Hang in there, it will get better.


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 163 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Lisa2You
♀ New Member
Member # 39764
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible that y'all are angels? Your words brought me to tears over and over - this time good tears. Ya know? You helped me realize something too.

I didn't find out about the year-long affair until about five years after. Since that time, I tried to forgive. I really did. But I just couldn't cope or get over it. I tried so hard. What I became is a hateful, vindictive, woman who had no respect for anything my H said or did. But nobody but me and him knew the reason. So now...after 10+ years of this, it DOES feel like I'm to blame. I feel like a bitch. And I know those close to me have seen it - especially my kids. It takes reminders like you all gave me, that no, this whole thing was brought on by him. It was his choice to sleep with another woman. It was his choice to hide it and like about it for years and years. It was all his choice. Thanks for the reminder - I needed that. And by the way, I did not share with my family the reason for the divorce. Should I? I have mixed feelings about it. I'm beginning to realize that when I don't give the real reason, people assume that you simple "grew apart" or that you were simply "married too young (19)." I don't like spreading the hopeless message that love is that fickle.

Anyway, thank you all so much! My evening would have been much sadder without you! ~L


He had a long-term affair. I found out 5-years after. We're divorcing after 30 years of marriage (10 of them happy ones). I'm just trying to find my way.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your family members are not heartbroken for themselves, they are sad for you. They love you and they share in your sorrow.

"Oh no" absolutely did not mean "Oh I'm so disappointed." It meant "Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry you are being hurt this way."


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've broken all hearts and left a trail of destruction everywhere, and then I walked away with the rubble at my feet, sadness sticks to me like rocks stuck in your shoes, thorns stuck to your clothes.
YOU didn't do this. YOU didn't have an affair and deceive your spouse for years. Why are you blaming yourself?

edited to add that yes, you should tell family members the reason why. There is no reason to sugar coat it with nonsense like "we just grew apart". Nobody is going to really believe it anyway.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 11:00 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3171 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Lisa2You
♀ New Member
Member # 39764
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I'm beginning to "get it." ~L


He had a long-term affair. I found out 5-years after. We're divorcing after 30 years of marriage (10 of them happy ones). I'm just trying to find my way.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lisa - Those days, the days of telling everyone about the D, are epic crappy days. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I don't know how you get through them without egregiously sucky feelings and pain, for you and everyone around you.

The good news is that it does get better from here. Moment by moment, day by day, it gets better. Hour by hour, the layers of hurt slough off. The sun shines again. Strength returns, and wounds begin to heal.

Hang in there, honey. The good stuff is ahead of you.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24435 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lisa2You
♀ New Member
Member # 39764
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, NowIKnow! Just what I needed to hear! Blessings to you, L


He had a long-term affair. I found out 5-years after. We're divorcing after 30 years of marriage (10 of them happy ones). I'm just trying to find my way.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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