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User Topic: Is there a place here for inadvertent OM/W?
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I've thankfully never actively cheated in my life, there was once I was an inadvertent OM. I didn't know she was married and she hid the fact that she was by removing her wedding ring, and told me she had just broken up with a long-term boyfriend.

Looking back now as the BS, I wonder if there's a place here that unwilling OM/OW can vent? Or do we just use the General forum? Because I think back and I feel even worse than I did back then. JESUS. I want to vomit anew.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The General forum is the correct forum for that type of post.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You didn't do anything wrong Arable.. Don't feel guilt for other people's mistakes..

It probably brings up the issue that you should have told the BH, but it's bull that she would even put you in that position..

Lots of hugs..


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Feb 2013
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, SI Staff. I'll vent here.

ButterflyGirl: Thank you so much. But I feel like complete SHIT because I participated in an act that may have ripped apart the lives of three little kids. I think the oldest was 9. I don't know if a divorce took place, but I am sure as hell certain that there was incredible turmoil in that family. I didn't tell the betrayed husband, it was the wife of another man who was at the same conference I was at. Yes, the cheater whom I had sex with had sex with myself and one other man over that weekend, at the very least.

I only heard about when I got home. One of my co-workers stayed late at the conference and there was a huge fuss because the wife of the other guy threw a glass of water or wine or something at the cheater and word got out. He didn't know I had sex with her too. My pleasant remembrance of that evening turned into horror at the thought of being party to something as vile as this. I wasn't a dad yet but I always placed great store on protecting children. I felt sick back then. Now as the betrayed husband with two beautiful little kids I feel absolutely sick again. I look back and all I can see is that I HELPED SOMEONE POISON A MARRIAGE WITH LITTLE KIDS IN IT. I'm going to skip dinner tonight.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I HELPED SOMEONE POISON A MARRIAGE WITH LITTLE KIDS IN IT.

But you didn't. "Helping" by your definition indicates you knew the full situation going in and chose to do it anyway. If that were the case, it could be argued. However, this was not the case.

When I "help" with laundry, dishes, mowing the lawn for my elderly neighbor, donate to a food bank or give blood, I am completely aware of what I am getting myself into and what to expect. You were not helping. You were lied to and that sucks, but the responsibility of what happened in and/or to their M as a result of HER actions falls directly on HER.

Hang in there.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 375 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that you can vent here...or in the Waywards forum if you would like. I don't think you will get much hostility here- you didn't know and can't be held responsible for other people's choices. You were lied to as well, and cheated on as well quite frankly.

My current fiance (we're getting married this saturday actually) cyber-cheated with a bunch of women. He didn't tell any of them about me and they thought he was single while they texted and carried on. I don't hold any hostility towards any of those women. They didn't know- he lied to them too. One of them is actually one of the patients that comes into the clinic. She has no idea who I am at all- I remain very professional at work obviously and that would be completely inappropriate of me to ever bring up ("hey, that guy you sexted with from CL a year ago was my fiance"). It bothers me a little to see her, but she is a lovely person and I actually don't hate her.

A lot of the OM/W that we vent about in here are people who KNEW our SO's were married and had sex with them anyway.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2013
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I was going to say more.

Back in my single days, I met a guy at a bar once. He took me home, and we hooked up. It wasn't until afterwards, when I was in the bathroom, that I confronted him about a bunch of feminine products. I found out that he had a long term girlfriend, they lived together and she was pregnant. I was completely disgusted and horrified with myself. I felt terrible.

I ended up finding him via his contact information on facebook, and facebooking her. I was humiliated, and she was angry, called me a bunch of names, and accused me of being a slut. I understood her anger.

It isn't your fault that she lied. Don't beat yourself up over it.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2013
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 6:40 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BeyondBreaking,

BSs can't start a thread in the WS forum and ArableSands doesn't qualify for madhatter rules so General it is.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess maybe the question for you to ponder is, way back then when this happened, why did you allow yourself to get so intimate with someone you knew so little about? Were you gullible? Did you put blinders on so you didn't have to know? Were you oblivious?

You cannot change the past. What's done, is done, and gone, is gone.

But you can learn, and carry those lessons forward into your future.

If things don't work out with your WS, and you end up single again, what will you do different?

If things do work out with your WS, and you stay with her, what is the take-away lesson for you to apply to your life going forward? What does it say about you and your boundaries and decision making?

All of these are rhetorical questions, but worth pondering. Don't beat yourself up over something you didn't know the reality about, but maybe ask yourself, why didn't I know the reality and what does that mean?


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't beat yourself up over something you didn't know the reality about, but maybe ask yourself, why didn't I know the reality and what does that mean?

I didn't know the reality because I trusted the woman I was about to have sex with to present herself truthfully. The same way I did to her. So what that means is...I shouldn't trust anyone?

Somehow I don't think that's the answer you're hoping I would come to.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were another victim of her lies, just like her husband and her kids. You didn't do anything wrong.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6171 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Topic Posts: 11

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