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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Should I be concerned about OM?
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand how you feel. And I agree with Knowing, it's a good suggestion for her to agree to not go out with the girls right now, or social networks. The focus should be on the two of you rebuilding.

It's so hard to grasp and know that another woman knew more about the man I was with. And just because she's no longer in the picture, doesn't mean it's any better. I think most of us BS's would like the OW/OM to have no new knowledge of our lives. And that means in pictures, check ins on Facebook, or even what car we now drive.

I'm in a similar situation. An ex of my WBF was commenting and liking pictures and posts that mutual friends would put on their FB, that had my WBF in them. And while he had blocked her, she still saw them on others pages and clearly wrote things in hopes that he might see it somehow. He went to the friends and explained the situation, and they never bothered to remove his pictures. My WBF deleted that friend the next day....and agreed that they were to never take another picture of him.

You have every right to want a marriage private from the OM. And private means NO information getting to them.


Me: WGF
Him: WBF
Together two years DD Feb. 2013
I think we are R??? Time will tell

Posts: 358 | Registered: Jun 2013
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Suspicious  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have every right to want a marriage private from the OM. And private means NO information getting to them

Thank you. I'm glad people here understand. I just don't want him knowing ANYTHING NEW! He knows enough already. Did enough damage as well. It's time we are no longer in existence to him.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"What pisses me off is that I can't stop it. I can't do much about it. It's a very subtle way of Mr. OM to keep up with my W's life. Even though she has blocked him on FB. If I'd ask him, he'd deny it, but how can you trust a friend that was caught messing with your W? Wish I could tell his BS. I WISH!!!!"

In my case the OM is now dating my neighbor a couple doors down. It was my WW's idea that we should block her on FB (he is already blocked).

I'd recommend you and your WW simply keep it at the "FYI" level for now. Don't do anything specific, just make sure you and her are both on the same page.


D-Day: 22 Dec 2013
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd recommend you and your WW simply keep it at the "FYI" level for now. Don't do anything specific, just make sure you and her are both on the same page.

...and that's what we're doing for now. We're on the same page. I just hate him knowing ANYTHING about us.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2married....

I have followed several of your posts and suggestions to other people. I am a fan of your honesty and you and your W share so much of what my H and I do.

Have you ever spoken directly to the OS???? I you haven't....why not? If you have the question is mute.

I was the person who crushed the OS's world when I called him a few days after finding out about the A. I had access to his cell phone thanks to our kids attending the same school. Never thought I would get through that conversation but in my mind it had to happen. His wife is a delusional narcissistic poisonous spider who stalked my hubby until he finally caved ( approximately a years worth of throwing herself at his very feet, naked I might add) that poor guy needed to know what he was dealing with.

Since then we have this very weird connection. We have a pact that, if anything in each others world changed, we would let each other know. This arrangement has let us both feel that at least we would never get blindsided again.

I contact the OS whenever I feel completely consumed by something. Since his wife has shown up on our doorstep once in the past, I am always in fear of her doing it again. I do not abuse this contact......I have spoken to him once in the past 4 months.

Your situation would be something I would definitely feel was worthy of sharing with the OS. I agree that you don't want to get into it with the friends....what would be the purpose? There is a way your wife can request that her friends disallow anything she says or pictures of her and you from going into cyber land.... I can help you through that process if you like.

Here is another take on this though......my H's OW uses my FB page (hubby does not have one nor does he ever want one) to check up on him.....and that is exactly what I WANT!!!!! My FB page is now full of pictures of the new happy US. My profile picture will always be a picture where both he and I are present, AND SMILING. I use my FB page to dig a knife deep into her heart. The very, very few friends that know our story laugh at how cruel I can be. Others who have no idea just think we have a wonderful marriage. I make sure she KNOWS when we visit her town....wave our success and her failure right there where she needs to see it.

I just wanted to offer a few ideas on this problem. Please privately post to me if you want to know the FB thing. I have recently had many friends request this of me to protect their privacy. I have never asked them why, the reason is simple, they want privacy.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 2:24 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TxsT - Hi there. Yes, pretty similar indeed. As a matter of fact, OBS and I sure connected, but I decided NC was for all 4 involved. Trust me, there were many times I wanted to pick up the phone just because she's the only person on earth that hurts because of what happened in the same way I did. I did decide not to because I don't want to hurt their M more than it already has.

To pick up the phone and tell her, your H is befriending my FWW's friends just to keep up....or sniffing around....I'm not sure if this would spark a "thank you" or a "get out of our lives" at this point. Idk honestly. Idk. I'm confused. For now I think no action is best.

I should put a photo of us both as my profile photo. There's ways where I can make sure HE sees things on FB. hehehe, but I regress.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't regress you evolve and adapt!!!!! More power to taking control :o)

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since most of us here agree that it's a WS brokenness that causes infidelity and not the presence or availability or an
AP... Then maybe, just maybe, the problem is not OM's proximity, but rather her behaviour, as in going out without you, or Facebook in general?
Could you demand that she give up those 2 things, that are clearly bothering you, as requirements for R?


This is a great point and it has been the subject of our conversations lately. She's a compartmentalizer so it's hard for her to see. But as time goes by, her eyes have been open more and more. Just as she doesn't want her name being said on the other end, nor do we want OM's name in our home. The less of that, the better.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't want him knowing ANYTHING NEW! He knows enough already.

.my H's OW uses my FB page (hubby does not have one nor does he ever want one) to check up on him.....and that is exactly what I WANT!!!!! My FB page is now full of pictures of the new happy US.

I think this is exactly the right thing to do! Show the world that you are heal(ed/ing) and let the AP look! Let them see the HAPPINESS that they were unable to DESTROY!!!


D-Day: 22 Dec 2013
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Show the world that you are heal(ed/ing) and let the AP look! Let them see the HAPPINESS that they were unable to DESTROY!!!

Out of rage I took down all her pics from my FB. LOL I haven't wanted to put anything together till I feel R is REALLY almost complete. However, for that same token, him thinking we're broken may entice him to break NC. Which I'd be glad to see him do cause I'd call his BS faster than you can say "fist fight".


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Area2
♀ Member
Member # 37797
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my friends and family that I had an online stalker and to please leave me out of posts. I said I was handling it and didn't want to discuss it further. They've all been very cooperative and protective, and don't need the dirty details.


Me: BW 50's
Him: WH 60ish
Married all my adult life
LTA, in limbo re: R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Eastern seaboard
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Area2 - NOW THAT'S a good idea!!!!!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we've had several talks about this. Her friend doesn't know, but I wish I could tell her. She will most definitely be posting photos of her and my wife at one point or another. I just can't stand it. I HATE THE IDEA! I don't know why it bothers me so much?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and so it happened. Her friend snapped a photo w/FWW and posted it on FB. I asked her (W's friend) to take it down kindly and she refused. FWW felt like it was infringing on friend to tell her what she can and cannot do on her FB. I thought it was disrespectful so I told FWW. I deactivated my FB for now. I'm very disgusted by FB, her friend and my FWW. It's incredible how so called "Friends" are not sensitive to families that are going through issues and have ZERO manners when asked kindly to remove a photo.



BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW felt like it was infringing on friend to tell her what she can and cannot do on her FB.

Actually, your wife has every right to ask her friend not to post photos of her on her FB page. The fact that your wife feels asking her not to is infringing is very telling.

Married2,

Seriously, when my husband got a facebook page, he voluntarily refused friendships with any friend of his who was also friends with the OW. I didn't tell him to refuse them, he just did it. Then he had one friend who he was so close to that he had a hard time with it. The friend didn't know about the affair but my husband finally took him aside and explained that he would never tell him who he could and couldn't be friends with but that he just couldn't accept a friend request from him as long as he was also friends with the OW out of respect for me because he had cheated with her. The friend removed the OW and sent us both a new friend request.

As long as your wife is friends on FB with this woman, it's going to drive you nuts. It doesn't sound like your wife truly gets it. At this point, my boundary would be that she either remove the friend from her facebook page or she explain what she did to the friend and why she needs her to stop posting her photo. A no to either of those requests really tells you exactly where you are on her priority list.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 3:19 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.


Posts: 3774 | Registered: Sep 2005
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tearsoflove - Thank you. This certainly clarifies things for me. Sad, but it is what it is.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

btw - her friend refused to take down the photo. She's not a friend of the marriage any longer.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's not a friend of the marriage any longer

But is she still a friend of your wife?

Incidentally, if your wife asked and she refused, because she is in the photo, she should be able to report the photo and facebook will remove it. If your wife is refusing to ask and is keeping her as a friend, you have much bigger problems than whether or not this woman is friends with the OM and posting photos of your wife.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.


Posts: 3774 | Registered: Sep 2005
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But is she still a friend of your wife?

She is. They work together unfortunately. At least I view her as not a friend to the marriage so I'm cutting her friend off. I told FWW and she agreed that the action was disrespectful.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE: Her friend blocked me on fb and continued friends with OM and my FWW. WOW! Who can you trust right? So it's up to FWW to stand up for our M and do or say something. Betrayal is more common than I ever thought.
I must have been naive for way too many years.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 51
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