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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Xww wants to change custody arrangements
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamboat.

DD10 is in elementary school and xWW's apartment is not in the district for our elementary school. XWW has to leave for work at 6:45. So XWW's 18 year old son has to take DD10 to school in the morning. XWW was always with the kids especially on the first day of school. So now she is feeling the effects of her decision to blow apart the family. So sad too bad.

I am looking at a daycare that is not too far away that could take DD10 to school in the morning and pick her up after so that she is not home alone. XWW would be able to bring DD to the daycare in the morning before she goes to work.

This issue doesn't exist for the older boys. The middle school bus picks them up at the apartment or at my house depending on where they are so there is no issue.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3443 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How would you feel about getting MORE custody of the kids? I mean if she is unable to be there for them can you? It sounds like you are the more stable, reliable parent. Of course, that would mean she wouldn't get any child support and would have plenty of time to find a job to support herself with.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 652 | Registered: Jan 2012
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XWW was always with the kids especially on the first day of school. So now she is feeling the effects of her decision to blow apart the family. So sad too bad.

Yep, you got that right!!! (and sorry I mixed up DS for DD).

Good luck


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
GrievingMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone. Hell no.

Here in MN, spousal support is claimed as income and is taxed. Child support however is not taxed.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 9:45 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So she revealed her real intention last night.

I tried diplomacy first. Acknowledged that yesterday was rough that she couldn't be there on the first day of school. Reiterated that I would work with her any way I could but that I could not accept her proposal.

She responded saying that she had the kids 4 weeks in July (not true - she had 4 partial weeks in July) and that she wanted the CS payments increased by 50%.

Not gonna happen.

So my gut says to respond saying how she revealed her real intent of using the kids to get money but I know that the only acceptable response is crickets.

I will have to send her a copy of the section of the the agreement that discusses CS to reiterate that I am sticking to the agreement but I will wait a couple of weeks before I do that.

I can never forget that this is the woman who told me she intended to profit off our M as she was leaving to go screw her OM.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3443 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How would you feel about getting MORE custody of the kids?

I would absolutely accept and love increasing my share of the custody. Pary of my problem is that I soemtimes have to travel for work and so I have worked real hard to keep a good co-parenting relationship in place so that I can count on her if we have to change things because I have to go out of town. I do have adult children who could help but I do not feel right throwing them into a parental role for an overnight trip.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3443 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find a job 9-3 for extra money.

Wow - who wouldn't like a deal where you could live off of the money someone else is sending you....then get a job for just extra-fun money.

I hate not being there for the kids and school.

Who doesn't? I am sure you would rather have more kid-time than work-time too? Tell her..."welcome to parenthood"!
I mean - reverse that. How would she feel about a proposal that you paid you enough money to support the household and gives you more kid-time AND then you just work 9-3 for your fun money? Then tell HER NOT to say no instantly. See what happens

We do it with no lawyers attached.
Red flag - red flag - red flag...



Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be inclined to say no instantly anyway.

Posts: 4719 | Registered: Dec 2009
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my gut says to respond saying how she revealed her real intent of using the kids to get money but I know that the only acceptable response is crickets.

Crickets is the best because really, the only other way she could bring this about is with Lawyers, and she doesnt seem to be wanting to do that since she wanted all of this to be under the table.

Unfortunetly, it doesnt look like she will let this one go either, since its really about money, and not the kids.

I dont know if you are still on retainer with a lawyer or if you still have a good relationship with the one you used, but you may want to speak with them about this and see what might happen if she does file for a CS modification.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is probably going to file for CS modification since you are paying below the state minimum. Just be prepared for that.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you are dealing with someone who tends to try to manipulate to her benefit, you may want to consider just sticking to the decree all together. Sounds like you're handling it well - it amazes me that she even asked you the way she did - extremely self-serving one sided request.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4632 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths they go to in order to keep the money train rolling. My XWW was the same. We agreed on temp SS for one year. On top of a very hefty CS she received as well. Right after the agreement was signed she had herself laid off from work. Collecting unemployment along with what I was giving had her living very well. During that time she had herself another MM hiding in the wings. (Not the original OM) The dude worked nights and could stay with her until my DS would come home from school. So she had it great. Plenty of money and a MM to screw everyday without having to lift a finger. When the SS was to expire she all of a sudden started to panic. She suggested that instead of paying for child care I give her the money and she stays home. I actually laughed in her face. I told first off our son could go to school as they provided before and after school programs for $200.00 a month. Far less than the $450.00 a week she was saying it would cost. I also told her that I was well aware of her daily visitor which she naturally denied. (Little did she know that the neighbors used to fill me in on what was going on)She was crying that the economy was bad and she could not find work etc. I told her too bad and I said that I did not think she was even looking for work as she was entertaining her friend all day long. Again she denied. Well 3 days before the last SS payment was made she by the grace of god found work. Son went into the programs at school and we split the cost. Oh and when she had to go back to work the MM all of a sudden ran for the hills. I guess that when she was no longer able to be his daily sex toy he saw no reason to stick around..


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5756 | Registered: Nov 2007
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am definitely going to have to make an appointment for a consult with my L just to make sure there are no surprises and to begin to prepare in case I have to defend myself against her trying to modify the custody arrangement. I'm really not too worried about the money because the CS was calculated on the basis that she wasn't working. They put minimum wage as her salary because they are not allowed to put zero. So now that she has a job, the calculated amount would not be as bad. That was my thinking in making the agreement in the first place, that she would get a reasonably paying job and I would not have to pay as much. So I also offered her a year of SS to help her out while she looked for a job. That temporary SS runs out on the 15th. I am looking forward to some relief as money has been very tight with me having to pay her that SS. There are things I need to do that I've been putting off waiting until I got the money.

So here is the thing. Georgia law says that for parents to have joint physical custody the D has to be uncontested. My L told me that if we couldn't split amicably then the courts figure we would not be able to agree on how to raise the kids and one parent needs to be in charge. I am very afraid that if she were to pull me back into court that they would say that one of us would have to be custodial and the other gets visitation and that they would award the custody to her simply because she is their mother.

I have never accepted standard visitation as an option. If I have to fight I will fight for full custody and remove all the stops as much as I can afford to. I tried to be considerate and I guess that works as long as she keeps getting money but once the money runs out her true colors are showing.

My fear is that If we go to court that they will award her cystody and I will lose everything. My analytical, engineering side says to find an equitable solution even if it means I have to pay a little extra just to avoid the drama.

So, do I capitulate and give her a little shut up money or do I dig my heels in and prepare for a fight? My gut says fight but I worry that an ugly battle will bite me in the a$$.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3443 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
traildad
♂ Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, do I capitulate and give her a little shut up money or do I dig my heels in and prepare for a fight? My gut says fight but I worry that an ugly battle will bite me in the a$$.

I don't know all of the specifics of your situation...but my mindset has always been that money is just money, whereas time with my children is priceless and cannot be recovered.

My xWW and I have a 50/50 custody arrangement and I pay her CS because I make more $$. I often have the kids greater than 50%, so I should get my CS back, but if I petition for it, xWW will pull the extra time I get with the kids. So essentially I pay her to leave thing as is. Not fair, but I get to see my kids. I have a coworker that does the same thing, he and I talk often about "paying to see our children" but we are fine with it. As long as we can put food on the table we don't worry about it.

Look at your situation from the court's perspective. You have the financial resources, but a busy job that travels. She has the free-time to raise children, but no financial resources. Unfortunately, if you go to court they very well could say you have money, she has time, pay her to take care of them. Obviously a L would have better insight, but I for one would not risk my time with my children for $ unless I was unable to make ends meet.

It seems that finding an amicable solution would be best, even if it means you are "giving" a little more than necessary.

Good luck sir.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In GA, she cannot ask for a change in CS unless 3 years have passed or there has been a significant change in circumstances. From what I can tell there has not been a significant change and I do not think it has been 3 years.

Now she can got back to court to ask for a change in custody. However I do not see were she would have the basis for a change. The courts will not change a previously ruling just because she does not like it. So think about this: She would have a find a L to help her (note that she wants to make a change without L's...), and then she will need to convince the court that they were wrong in their earlier ruling and it is in the best interest of the kids for her to quit her job so they can spend more time with her and less time with their father, even though their father has done nothing that would justify a loss of time with the kids.

Regardless, consult a L and start documenting everything that has to do with the kids. Get a calendar and write down every time they are with you and every time they are with her, every phone call, every interaction with the school, every extracurricular, etc etc. Do not be biased in the documentation, document the good and the not so good and the indifferent. This will show the courts that both of you are involved parents and that sharing custody has been working for the kids. Courts care about the best interest of the kids, not what one parent or another wants.

Good luck!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
osxgirl
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Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have adult children who could help but I do not feel right throwing them into a parental role for an overnight trip.

I know you say you don't feel right throwing them into a parental role, but....

Have you checked with them how they feel? Let them know you expect nothing, but would like to know if they would like to do this?

I say this because of my experiences with my sister. I was almost 10 years older than she, and my brother is almost 4 years older than I. So she was still pretty young when I went off to college.

I used to have my parents bring her down to college one weekend a semester to stay with me. Even before that, I made sure I did things with her and spent time with her, even though I was involved in a lot of things and very busy.

My brother also did a lot with her. Even after he got married and they had kids, she would go on vacation with them (as a teen in high school).

We did all this because with such a large age gap, we knew that it could be tough to stay close. All three of us kids are still pretty close.

So they might surprise you. They might welcome a chance to have more time with their younger siblings.

And in case you think we were only willing to spend time with her and such because she was an easy kid to take care of/get along with.... no. Oh, she was a great kid, and mostly we didn't have trouble out of her. But I can remember a few times wondering if I could have made it look like an accident.... And my sister-in-law still tells about the time they were all on vacation and a fight ended up with my sister winging a doughnut at my brother's head (it missed and stuck to a mirror).


Posts: 2409 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other thing that happened last night is that xWW decided to try to use the kids as leverage and put them in between us. The following was our text exchange:

XWW: Band meeting tomorrow. But since neither of us can make it because of your stubbornness oh well DS12 misses

Me: What time is it?
Me: What does he want to play?

XWW: Saxophone

Me: Oh cool!!! That is great!! What time?? DS20 will get him bring him to the meeting and get the info and then bring him home to you.

XWW: No

Excuse me. This is BS. I did everythign I could not to engage and I went out of my way to only talk about the kids. So she got me to bite. I tried calling about 10 times. She refused to answer. So I showed up at her apartment. DS13 let me in. I gave him a hug and told him to get his mother.

She was shocked I was there. DD came out and gave me a hug and I told her to get DS12. So xWW came out. I said come here we need to chat. I wanted to go outsided so the kids wouldn't hear anything but she refused so I said that DS12 has his band meeting and we have an alternative to get him there.

XWW: OK

DS12 showed me the form and what he wanted to play.

Me: DS20 will pick him up

XWW: OK

Me; So why did you say no, then.

XWW: I don't know.

She refused to talk to me anymore after that. I said Ok, gave the kids a hug and loudly told them I would get them on Sunday. That was a mistake as I am travelling for work this weekend and won't be home until Monday morning.

ETA: DS12 is at his band meeting now trying out several instruments.

I kept my cool the entire time and even kept it lighthearted. It was eating her alive that I refused to engage and turn it into an argument.

[This message edited by gahurts at 5:04 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3443 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that's how you handle dealing with a dumb ass!!!

I think it's awesome. I also think you could have had the conversation in front of the kids.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2260 | Registered: Jan 2012
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of that was in front of the kids. That also clearly pissed her off because I was asking why she wouldn't let DS join band right in front of them so she was on the spot.

He chose the trombone.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3443 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*** sigh ***

What a bunch of shit.

Despite some legislative changes here in Ga which would suggest they are coming into...at least...the 20th century, the courts, IMHO, are still biased toward the mother (and it's largely dependent on what county you're in and what judge you get ---- how's that for justice being blind )

However, what Dreamboat says is true. And...if she chooses to burden the court system before she's "entitled" to it may look unkindly on that (the court system is VERY lazy and would prefer to do nothing if possible and dragging folks back into the court before the proper time may not be good for her ---- so maybe let her take that route).

I'm an engineer too...but my "fuck you" attitude often trumps the more practical analytical side.

There was a point in time that I had reason to consult an attorney after the divorce. I consulted an attorney that was not my original divorce attorney. This one was clearly more of pit bull...or so it seemed (I came to wish I had used him originally). If you want, PM me and I'll give you his name (he does business in Marietta).

I would do nothing if I were you. She's trolling. And if, in fact, she's feeling the loss of her children.....you reap what you sow. Decisions have consequences.

-K


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8489 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
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