So, as I was lying next to my cheating husband last night (yes, we're still sleeping in the same bed), I realized something...
He's not the man I thought he was (I know, DUH! right?). But it goes deeper than that. When he and I first got together, I had just gotten out of a long-term (10y) relationship with a man who I cheated on several times. I never hid this from my husband (it was kinda hard when I moved to TX with one of the OM!). During the "getting to know you" phase of our relationship, I told him pretty much everything about my past indisgretions (a bit more may have trickled out over the years, but I wasn't intentionally keeping it from him).
He was young when we met (22) and I was worried that I had reached a place in my life that he hadn't yet. I learned a lot from my affairs, and from spending 10 years in a relatioship with a man who didn't want the same things that I wanted. I told him right off the bat that I wanted to get married and have a family, and he told me he wanted those things too. I worried that he was just saying that to "get into my pants", but he soon proved himself to be husband material.
He took such good care of me (physically and emotionally), and doubled his efforts while I was pregnant (not necessary, but super awesome just the same). He then spent 4 months being a stay-at-home dad while I went to work, never once complaining (ok, maybe sometimes, but I probably would have done the same). All the while I thought, I don't deserve him. What a great guy I have, totally attentive, loving and forgiving (he could have run for the hills when he found out about my infidelity). He gave me everything I ever wanted, so selflessly, and I promised myself (and him) that I was a changed woman. And surely, a man whose #1 rule is "no cheating" would never be unfaithful!
Yet here I am, writing daily on a website called "Surviving Infidelity" because my husband can't control himself. Because he has to get "what I can't give him" from someone else (still fuzzy on what it is that I can't give him - he says "You weren't there for me, but she was." Did you try talking to me, asking me to be there for you, through whatever the fuck is going on?! But, I digress...).
I realize now that put my husband on a pedastal. I thought it was me who didn't deserve him. I think he would continue to have me believe that. But with each day that goes on, with the affair not ending, and him treating me like I'm some kind of idiot who won't notice, he falls further and further. I hate that I was fooled into thinking he's someone he has never been. Now that I know, nothing will ever be the same. Even that past before the affair is a lie. I was married to someone I hadn't even met yet. Now that I know who he really is, I'm disgusted. And heartbroken.
Every morning (or middle of the night) I wake up hoping this is all just a bad dream. But this is reality. This is my life, and I still need to live it whether I want to or not. But how do you recover from something like this? How does anyone? "When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade" just doesn't seem to fit this situation.
My husband is not remorseful, and does not seem interested in helping me heal. This is nothing like the man who used to cry when he even so much as thought that he might have caused me pain. I keep thinking that that man is gone, but then I wonder if he ever existed at all.
I read this quote somewhere a long time ago, and it nicely sums up my feelings: "What do you do when the only person who can make you smile is the one who made you cry?" He used to be my rock, my go-to person when I was hurting. Now he is the cause of my hurt, and even though I know my friends are here for me, I feel like I am alone. The one person who could take my pain away with just a touch is the person who put it there in the first place. It will take far more than a touch to fix this, and I'm not even sure he could if he wanted to.....
Sorry so long, just having a rough morning and wanted to get this off my chest.
*Edited because words look different through blurry eyes...me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."