He's not the man I thought he was (I know, DUH! right?). But it goes deeper than that. When he and I first got together, I had just gotten out of a long-term (10y) relationship with a man who I cheated on several times. I never hid this from my husband (it was kinda hard when I moved to TX with one of the OM!). During the "getting to know you" phase of our relationship, I told him pretty much everything about my past indisgretions (a bit more may have trickled out over the years, but I wasn't intentionally keeping it from him).
He was young when we met (22) and I was worried that I had reached a place in my life that he hadn't yet. I learned a lot from my affairs, and from spending 10 years in a relatioship with a man who didn't want the same things that I wanted. I told him right off the bat that I wanted to get married and have a family, and he told me he wanted those things too. I worried that he was just saying that to "get into my pants", but he soon proved himself to be husband material.
He took such good care of me (physically and emotionally), and doubled his efforts while I was pregnant (not necessary, but super awesome just the same). He then spent 4 months being a stay-at-home dad while I went to work, never once complaining (ok, maybe sometimes, but I probably would have done the same). All the while I thought, I don't deserve him. What a great guy I have, totally attentive, loving and forgiving (he could have run for the hills when he found out about my infidelity). He gave me everything I ever wanted, so selflessly, and I promised myself (and him) that I was a changed woman. And surely, a man whose #1 rule is "no cheating" would never be unfaithful!
Yet here I am, writing daily on a website called "Surviving Infidelity" because my husband can't control himself. Because he has to get "what I can't give him" from someone else (still fuzzy on what it is that I can't give him - he says "You weren't there for me, but she was." Did you try talking to me, asking me to be there for you, through whatever the fuck is going on?! But, I digress...).
I realize now that put my husband on a pedastal. I thought it was me who didn't deserve him. I think he would continue to have me believe that. But with each day that goes on, with the affair not ending, and him treating me like I'm some kind of idiot who won't notice, he falls further and further. I hate that I was fooled into thinking he's someone he has never been. Now that I know, nothing will ever be the same. Even that past before the affair is a lie. I was married to someone I hadn't even met yet. Now that I know who he really is, I'm disgusted. And heartbroken.
Every morning (or middle of the night) I wake up hoping this is all just a bad dream. But this is reality. This is my life, and I still need to live it whether I want to or not. But how do you recover from something like this? How does anyone? "When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade" just doesn't seem to fit this situation.
My husband is not remorseful, and does not seem interested in helping me heal. This is nothing like the man who used to cry when he even so much as thought that he might have caused me pain. I keep thinking that that man is gone, but then I wonder if he ever existed at all.
I read this quote somewhere a long time ago, and it nicely sums up my feelings: "What do you do when the only person who can make you smile is the one who made you cry?" He used to be my rock, my go-to person when I was hurting. Now he is the cause of my hurt, and even though I know my friends are here for me, I feel like I am alone. The one person who could take my pain away with just a touch is the person who put it there in the first place. It will take far more than a touch to fix this, and I'm not even sure he could if he wanted to.....
Sorry so long, just having a rough morning and wanted to get this off my chest.
*Edited because words look different through blurry eyes...
[This message edited by krazy8516 at 11:25 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
[This message edited by meplusfour at 4:56 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
I am sorry that you are hurting. I wanted to let you know that you have been heard.
Do you think your husband would be interested in MC?
If not that, have you thought about IC?
The lack of remorse really has me concerned. Has he ended his affair?
It seems that you are now on (what I call) a journey that was not expected in your life.
There is so much to contemplate, to do and choose at this point in time, but maybe it doesn't all have to be done today.
Yes, like the others say, counseling can help and each new day will bring some type of answer. They may not be immediately noticed by you or big ones, like epiphanies, but slowly, ever so slowly, the answers do come.
Your writing about your WH reads in a mirror image to how I felt and yes, discovering the "pedestal theory" has helped me, too. I'm glad you have it to think about and also grasp that he is coming down. In an odd way, it's part of the answers.
When I could knock nearly ExH off the high pedestal he helped build, it helped find the realities of all he's done. I think the pedestal can block our thinking sometimes, for I had denial myself for a time, thinking, "no f'ing way."
I wish you many things and though it is some of the most difficult times in life, with each day there will come a tiny bit of progress, which I like to call, light shining through the dark. Peace to you.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
The advice to take care of yourself is good. Exercise is good too. I find running is helpful and the a good loud scream into a pillow.
Dday 1: 10/20/2010 -- 3 month physical affair
Dday2: 7/7/2013 -- 3 year emotional affair but I think it was more.
I was married to someone I hadn't even met yet.
THIS is profound.
That is exactly how I feel. WH and I have been together 18 years and like you I feel like I didn't ever really know him, that or he has gone clinically insane.
But the truth is, they are the same person.
THAT is what I can't wrap my head around.
THAT is why I can't lay in bed next to him right now, go home and act like this hasn't happened.
That is why I look down these long winding roller coaster tracks that lead into the darkest tunnel and ask myself "how can I ever love him again?". Because to love him again, I would have to love the part of him that has done this to me, to my life, to my family.
So many times a day I just find myself staring off into the distance, just shaking my head. Shaking my head and denying that there is any hope for my marriage. That there is any way I could hold my head up for my children, or my sister or mom if I allowed him to hurt me again.
Krazy, the thing I have the most trouble understanding, is how 2 such opposite forces can live in one human being. He must have destroyed himself before he destroyed me.
And it's all so far gone that I am not sure I even care anymore.
I am wondering if he is still refusing NC? and transparency?
Maybe you need to make the stakes higher, list them as dealbreakers? I never had to really go through it. NC was instant for me, so was transparency. However little truths came out over a few months. I simply do not comprehend the amount of pain you must be in at the moment.